Exciting News From Becky

Dear Family,

It has been my first full week on RTC, so I have begun some new classes. Some of the new classes include self-esteem, Zumba, ceremonial group, honesty and awareness, RAD, and creative living. The focus of RTC is to help you discover more of yourself and move away from your eating disorder while pursuing new and old passions.

Another opportunity you can apply for on RTC is to volunteer at a horse therapy camp called Courage Reins. I was luckily approved to go. During this time we work with toddlers with mental, physical, speech, and sensory disabilities. Each child was working on balancing on the horse, telling the horse to stop and go with words and sign language, and uses their senses. They are darling, especially their sweet smiles and high fives!

I worked with a boy named Cameron first. His goal for the day was to say stop and go and hold on the reins. At first he wouldn’t even touch the reins, but gradually started to build his trust. He began holding on with one hand and then by the end held on with both hands. It was really neat to see his progress in just a short amount of time. This is one of the biggest reasons why I love teaching. I love watching my students grow and change right before my eyes.

Seeing the changes in the children made me think of the changes in myself. I realize my family and treatment team can see visibly see the changes I have made in recovery. However, right now I am struggling to look in the mirror at my own reflection. It is sad to say, but I am afraid of not knowing who I am looking at. Even though I have fears of looking in the mirror, I can feel differences inside of me. In the depths of my eating disorder, my mind was heavy and filled with darkness. It now feels lighter which makes it easier to concentrate, think, and see the world around me in a more positive light. I have also found the muscles in my face are turned to smiling more – making life a little brighter.

In fact the other night, Michelle and I were talking and laughing about something silly. As we were lying there in the dark there was a buzzing sound coming from the heater. We were laughing at little, silly jokes of how the sound was a monster of all the silly things we are afraid off. We were really tired, so our jokes seemed even funnier. I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt. All of the sudden I stopped and said, “I think this is the first time I have really laughed this hard in a long time.” Sometimes these experiences and others make me feel like a little kid again, experiencing life in new ways.

On Tuesday, the theme for Nia was being a “Diva.” We danced to the music of Celine Dion. It brought back a lot of memories of Jeff listening to her. The instructor, Andrea, is amazing. She makes everyone feel so comfortable to express themselves without any judgment. Through this class, I am finding a renewed sense of the power to express myself through music and dance. Until now, I did not understand how freeing it can be to express myself in this way. I also have developed a greater sense of my appreciation for the power of my body. I am finding joy in the renewed sense of energy to move.

On Wednesday, we went cross country skiing again for our outing. It was a beautiful day in the mountains with the sun shining. I loved feeling the warmth of the sun’s rays. This is the second time I’ve had the opportunity to go, so I found it a little easier. I was even able to go down the hills without falling.

As we processed I said how going a second time was easier and just as entertaining, if not more, than the first time. I related this to my life. Sometimes the first part of a new experience or challenge is difficult, but with time it becomes easier. Also, it is important to give experiences, people, and yourself a second chance. I am seeking to be my best self instead of perfection, which means I deserve second chances.

Today I applied for phase 3 in front of the treatment team. I had to read some journal responses to express why I felt I was ready to move forward in the program. It was a nerve racking to present in front of a bunch of therapists and dieticians, but I passed. Some of the new privileges of phase 3 include: email 3 times a week, Ipod time, mail when it arrives, 5 phone calls a week, and a key to my bedroom. I also will be able to come home on an overnight pass on a Friday or Saturday night. This will help in adjusting to moving back home.

I am so grateful for all your love, support and prayers. I pray for you all each day and night. I miss you lots. I love you!

Always,

Becky