Becky's Journal

January 21, 2010

We had a bit more time to study this morning in the unit with a quiet atmosphere. While some of the girls slept, I enjoyed the quiet time to read and ponder. Sometimes a quiet room is hard to find with the in and out commotion and constant music. I embrace and yearn for moments of quiet solitude for it brings peace, comfort, and guidance.

I was reading King Benjamin's sermon on the mount-a favorite part of the Book of Mormon. In Mosiah 3:3-5 it talks of joy found in Jesus Christ because of the power of His atonement. He is a God of miracles-providing healing for all manner of sicknesses, temptations, and pains. He knows how to comfort and bless with His grace. Joy can be found in knowing God has created a way and power through which we can return with Him some day. This joy is joy in the grace and power of the atonement and resurrection.

The following verses taught me something new today. In verse 6 it says "he shall cast out devils, or evil spirits which dwell in the hearts of the children of men." I believe my eating disorder is an evil spirit within my heart. While ministering on earth Christ commanded many unclean spirits to be cast out. The evil spirits bring one to "suffer temptations, and pain of body, hunger, thirst, and fatigue..." (verse 7) I believe these pains to be both physical and spiritual.

I know as I surrender my will to God, it is an action of faith that will empower me to overcome. He sees and knows all things, from the beginning to end. In Mosiah 4;9 it describes how God has wisdom and power and to believe in Him because He comprehends all things. I am praying each day for the ability to keep my faith in God and those helping that step by step I may discover who I am and the end picture they can see.

Becky's Journal

January 21, 2010

I learned some new things in 12 step group today. The theme was on surrendering your will. To being the group, we were asked to make a clenched fist to symbolize a resiliency to give up your eating disorder. As I clenched my fist I felt tight and on my own. Then as I let go and released, my arm felt free and loose. This activity can be related to surrendering my will and trust to my Savior and those helping me in my recovery process. Opening my hand can symbolize my need to reach upward to my Savior and outward to those at the Center, Nelson, and my family. Surrendering I realized is not giving up, but an action that brings strength-an empowering.

After this activity we did a partner drawing. One partner closed their eyes and held the marker and the other partner led their hands to make a picture. As the blinded drawer, it was hard to surrender my desire to see and help create the picture. I had to trust my partner to use their abilities to create the end picture they had in their minds. This is kind of like what I am feeling now. I know that my Savior and those on the treatment team can see my potential. I am afraid of the end result because of the unknown. Right now I am struggling seeing who I am now and who I can become. It is definitely an active process to surrender my will to others because I relaly want to know how it will end.

When I acted as the seeing guiding drawer, I had to encourage my blindfolded partner to trust me. This is true of my Savior-He is encouraging to "let go" and "trust in Him." I also realized that as I helped my blindfolded partner, I had the mind set that mistakes would be made and my picture wouldn't be perfect. My intent was not to make a perfect picture, but a whole and complete picture. I believe this is like the Savior in that He is not trying to make a perfect picture, but one that is whole and complete. We will make mistakes along the way, but that is part of the learning process. I was grateful for this learning experience and seeing the power of surrendering.

Family Day

Yesterday, the girls and I had to opportunity to visit Becky. It turned out to be family day. There was a ropes course that we all participated in. As we went through different activites, we learned lessons that were truly worthwhile and had alot of fun. It was wonderful to participate in activities with Becky and watch her smile, laugh and compete.

After the activities, we had a chance to visit. Becky talked about her accomplishments of the past week and her hopes of the coming week. She expressed some fears about coming home and being able to maintain the way of life that she is learning at the Center of Change. We offered her our love and support. We also expressed, and truly believe, that no one on this earth has more determination to reach their goals than she does.

We cherished this time with her. What a beautiful daughter of our Heavenly Father she is; and what blessing it is for Nelson and all of us to have her a part of our family.
JoLynn Yates

Journal Post

Yesterday I received a journal post from Becky.

January 18, 2010

It has been a busy therapeutic day with much to contemplate and learn from. I will try to highlight a few things.

In music therapy tonight we used the drums to express and release emotion. Each of us were given a hand drum and a mallet. Our teacher started us on different beats; all related: 1 count, 2 counts, 3 counts, and 4 counts. She then directed our speed and volume. It was interesting because at first she said your emotion may be anger, but to know this is a secondary emotion and find its root emotion. When I first started drumming it was freeing to beat the drum. I felt some of my frustrations against my eating disorder leave. The root emotion was sadness for the time in life I've lost. I felt shame for the pain I've caused others. It was like I was able to take action against my eating disorder and fight it. After 40 minutes of drumming like this, which didn't seem that long, we were asked to state a positive affirmation about ourselves. These statements began with "I am." Some of the traits the other woman said "caring," "kind," "loving", "happy," "creative," and "at peace." I said "I am accepting." As we continued to repeat these affirmations to the drum beat, the feeling in the room changed from negative to positive. Instead of feeling discouraged I felt hopeful. I was interesting to compare the feelings.

After music we had yoga meditation. It was relaxing right before bed. As I laid there we were supposed to think of a safe place. I immediately imagined myself sitting on Grandpa's swing. At that moment I felt a gentle touch on my hand. It felt just like Grandpa was holding my hand. Then I felt a gentle swinging back and forth as he continued to hold my hand. He was there to comfort, protect, encourage, and love me. I am so grateful for my guardian angel.

January 16th Journal

Becky wrote this as a therapy solo:

In the process of recovery from my eating disorder, I am searching to find out who I am. Slowly and quietly, my eating disorder captured my sense of who I am, including my passions, dreams, and heart's desire.

In the midst of confusion, I know I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me. His love is everlasting and eternal. Each day I am recognizing more of His gifts of love.

One of His gifts of His love is my body. I am learning how powerful this gift is. In Ether 3:14-16 it states how "all men were created in the beginning after mine own image." The gift of the body is a reminder of who I am and what I can become-a queen in my Heavenly Father's kingdom. I am created after His spirit. His spirit is perfect and full of love. My body is a gift of His spirit and should be thought of and treated with what and who it was given with-love. I am learning to believe that because I am created after His image I am something of worth and beautiful.

I believe Satan understands the power of the body and envies it. In the Bible Dictionary it states: "Since the devil and his premortal angels have no physical body of flesh and bones, they often seek to possess the bodies of mortal beings." I believe my eating disorder is one of his angels trying to deceive me of seeing, recognizing, and believing my worth as a daughter of God. He wants me to be miserable like he is and lose the power of love of the body. He blinds me to believe I am unlovable, broken, and a disappointment. Now that I recognize this I seeking to defy him and believe in myself.

I want to change and find myself and reach my potential. I want to feel happy about and love my body the way Heavenly Father does. The scriptures describe the body as a temple. I want to treat is as a temple-a place of a beauty, peace, and love. A temple brings feelings of self worth in remembering eternal covenants and blessings. The temple is a place to become more complete and whole, not perfect, but more complete and whole.

Part of my body is my spirit. I am discovering that my spirit is sensitive to emotions. My eating disorder manipulated my emotions to create and believe negative emotions. I want to use my sensitive emotions as a positive power in my life. The sensitive emotions of compassion, love, kindness, and charity can be a power to serve and uplift others. Turning into my sensitive emotions I hope to develop charity for myself and others. As I do this I feel the negative emotions will disappear and transform and help me to reach my potential by the power of love.

I know this journey of life is a ongoing process of change by love. I know I won't have to go through this alone. Heavenly Father has blessed me with a Savior who understands all. Through the Atonement the Savior suffered for all the pains, temptations, and sicknesses I will face. He is able to understand all. He is my anchor of strength and love. He sees what I can become. It is a process of refinement formed by hands of love. With His gentle love and grace I will be able to become the image He sees I can become.

Journal Entry from Becky

Yesterday I went down with Valerie, Heidi, and Melissa to visit Becky she gave me a few journal entries to post on the blog. It was a great visit with Becky. We heard about her week and the things she learned this week. Becky earned the privilege to do exercise this week so she was able to do some yoga which she was pretty excited about. She also was able to take a short walk outside which she really enjoyed because she hasn't been outside much in the past few weeks. Becky is hoping to advance to phase 2 this week. Her therapist thinks she will make "weight" by Thursday so she should be able to advance to phase 2. She is anxious to advance which means more privileges and off campus excursions. Next Saturday Becky said they are planning to go to a ropes course. We are wishing her luck this week so she can make "weight."

Anyway, here is Becky's journal entry.

Throughout my battle and recovery process of my eating disorder, I have been blessed to maintain a strong faith in my Heavenly Father. "I know I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me and I love Him." He has been my anchor of love and peace throughout this challenge in my life. I believe He loves all His children despite their struggles, weaknesses, and challenges.

However, I sometimes feel ashamed of the mistakes I have made in treating my body the way I have. The body is the greatest gift our Heavenly Father has given us. It is something Satan wants but will never receive, which is why he tries hard to tempt us to destroy it. I want to feel happy about and love my body the way my Heavenly Father does. In the scriptures it is expressed as a temple of God. I want to treat it as a temple, a place of beauty, peace, and love. A temple brings feelings of self-worth in remembering eternal covenants and blessings. The temple is a place that is complete and whole, not perfect, but complete and whole.

I want to change the feelings of emptiness my eating disorder has caused with love from my Heavenly Father. This love I believe will come as I rediscover who I am, including my passions, my dreams, and my goals for the future. It isn't just about looking and hoping to the future, but rediscovering is also living in the present. To do this I need to reconnect and rebuild relationships with family and friends. Most importantly, I believe I need to reconnect and increase my relationship with my Heavenly Father. As I rely on His strength and love, I have faith that He will help me overcome and create stepping stones from the obstacles of my eating disorder. I cannot do it without his gentle love and grace. As I pray daily for His help, I know He will walk alongside and help me arise each time I fall. He is my anchor of love and hope.

Becky's Family Letter

Nelson received a letter from Becky today.

January 11, 2010

Dr. Berrett led spirituality group again today. We talked about the power of responsibility. In choosing to take responsibility for our actions, we are empowered to fight, overcome and improve. We did an exercise that gave me some insight into the power of agency. With a partner we expressed for 1 to 2 minutes all the things we couldn't do by saying "I can't...." It was frustrating and demobilizing saying this. Then Dr. Berrett asked us to repeat the same list but to change the list and begin with "I won't..." In doing this exercise it helped me realize things I can and can't control. After this exercise, we expressed something we "have to" do and then said the same thing beginning with "I choose" to...Just like the "I won't" statements the "I choose" statements brought feelings of responsibility and power. I realize that God empowers us as we use faith and take responsibility to follow him.

In my therapy session with Dr. Julie we talked about my quest to discover myself. She talked about this quest is not to be perfect, but to be whole. As we talked I thought about the power of the Atonement. I remember learning that this word means "at one with God." As Dr. Julie was talking I thought about how the Atonement allowed the Savior to experience all the hardships, sicknesses, trials, and weaknesses we face. He was perfect and through His grace and mercy we can become whole again. I am so grateful for the knowledge of the atonement and the peace it brings. He is there to comfort me in times of sorrow and loneliness. Even though the process of recovery is hard, I know it will help me become more whole.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell said in an Ensign article this month "One's life...cannot be both faith filled and stress free...Therefore how can you and I really expect to glide naively throughout life as if to say 'Lord, give me the experience, but not the grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art. Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy.' Real faith is required to ensure this necessary but painful development process."

I liked this quote because through life's hardships I'll be able to become more whole. It is a hard process. Some parts of the day are harder than others. The nights are especially hard because I wish I were home. I am so grateful for all your letters of love and encouragement. They mean the world to me. I think and pray for you all each day and night. Thanks for all your love.

I Love You!
Love, Becky

A Letter from Becky

Yesterday I received a letter from Becky. She wanted me to post this on the blog.

I believe I am a daughter of Heavenly Father who loves and care for me each day. He is my master healer. I am grateful that He sent His son to live and die for me. Through the Atonement, I know the Savior is able to understand completely all my challenges. In Alma 7:11-12 it says:

"And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."

I am learning that my Savior understands the temptations of Ed's voice and his influence. Although I don't want to say or express I am sick, I know anorexia is a sickness. He has felt and understands the pain, sorrow, and hardships I am facing. When moments arise that no one seems to understand, I know my Savior can and will provide mercy and healing. To receive blessings of healing and comfort I need to have faith to ask for His guidance and help. As I reach upward for His healing hands, He will comfort and protect me. His arms are always outstretched to bring me peace and safety.

Each person is faced with individual weaknesses and challenges that provide important opportunities of growth and change. These experiences are to help shape and mold me into the daughter my Savior sees I can become. His loving, merciful arms will not take away the challenges, but He is there to reach out and help me find higher ground, embrace me with love, and comfort my pain.

In 1 Nephi 1:20 it explains how the Savior will pour out his tender mercies for the power of deliverance. I am learning trials will provide opportunities to experience the Lord's tender mercies that will give me power to escape my eating disorder. The Savior is my comforter, redeemer, Savior, and rescuer.

I was once told a story about a young girl traveling across the plains with the pioneers. During part of the journey she was made to run beside the wagon in the cold. She longed to be in the warmth of the wagon and felt frustrated at times as to why she had to run alongside it. When she finally came inside, she found that she had run alongside for a reason - to receive warmth from running. This can be related to moments in life where we are striving to overcome challenges and grow in ways we don't see until it is over.

My mind can picture myself running alongside the wagon, trying to keep up. I can see my Savior as the driver of the wagon. Often I am reaching up for the Savior to rescue me and pull me in, confused to how and why I am running. Sometimes I feel confused as why He won't help me, but rather leaves me alone.

After running alongside and gaining strength through His grace and enabling power, I am given a chance to rest. Once I rest I discover that looking back at my footprints along the path that sometimes they are my own alone, which is a time for me to learn and grow in ways the Savior knows I can.

Sometimes there are two sets of footprints. These are times when I am learning to overcome it on my own with the help of Him beside me, strengthening me to overcome. During this time the Savior enables me with His strength to keep going, making me stronger along the way.

Then there are times when there are footprints that aren't mine, but the Savior's alone. Similar to the poem, "Footprints", I believe that these are moments when the Savior carries me until I am strong enough to try it again on my own. He is familiar with the path and what I can do. Through his enabling power, He strengthens, loves, and cares for me in a way that shapes and helps me to become the refined image He knows I can be. I am discovering life and my weaknesses are not going to be overcome on my own, but alongside the Savior. He is there to guide, encourage, and even lift me when needed. I can't do it on my own. I need his eternal love and grace, my enabling power.

A Visit with Becky

Yesterday I had the chance to go down and visit Becky with Heidi and Melissa. It was great to see Becky again. I am amazed at Becky's determination and strength!!

Becky told us about some of the challenges and successes this week. She told us how some days are better than others. We know Becky is giving 200% as she is starting this journey of recovery.

As I sat there visiting with Becky I felt so much love and compassion for her. I know this journey she is on is going to be hard, but I know she is determined to succeed and finish the fight. I was impressed with the way Becky easily opened up to us and shared so much of with us. She is my little sister, but she is teaching me so much as I spend time with her.

Dr. Julie told Becky in all the time she has worked at the Center for Change she has never had a patient with so many visitors. Becky also told us how on Monday all the girls were jealous with the amount of mail Becky received. Becky knows she has MANY people who love her that are cheering her on and praying for her. Heavenly Father put us in families for a reason.

As we visited Becky told us about how her battle with her eating disorder has made her forget who she is. She told us Dr. Julie gave her an assignment. Dr. Julie told Becky to ask her sisters to help her remember who she is. I know the process for Becky to discover who she is will be something she will do while at the Center for Change and as her family we can help her find who she is again by reminding her of the qualities we have always loved and admired about her.

Becky is doing well and I look forward to seeing her again!

Becky's Journal

Here is a page from Becky's journal:

January 7, 2010

This morning I went to 12 step group which is led by my therapist, Julie. I like this group because it is focused on your spirituality of recovery. This is an important aspect of my recovery. At the beginning of the group, Julie asked us to define our spirituality and how it helps or harms your recovery. My faith in Heavenly Father and knowing I am loved as a daughter of God helps me remember I am loved and of worth. I also believe that my Savior understands my struggles and how to best help me towards recovery.

It was interesting to hear the other women's comments and and spiritual perspectives. Through the process of recovery I hope they can realize how much Heavenly Father loves them.

Tonight we had music therapy where we use music to find ways to cope. We listened to songs about dreams, including "Dream Big" by Ryan Shupe. Then we read Martin Luther King's speech, "I Have a Dream." Using the outline of the speech we wrote down and discussed our own dreams. It was interesting to see how dreams bring feelings of hope and happiness with desires for something in the future. All the dreams were different, but provided something to look forward to.

Visiting Schedule

This is a tentative schedule for visiting Becky for the month of January. Nelson will confirm with Becky and Dr. Julie.

Sat. January 9th

2:30 - 4:00 p.m. Heidi, Valerie, Jennie, Melissa

6:00 - 8:00 p.m. Nelson

Sun. January 10th

1:00 - 2:30 p.m. Lynn, Sandy, Jeff, Amber

6:15 - 7:45 p.m. Nelson, Stephanie, Lee, JoLynn

Sat. January 16th

2:30 - 4:00 p.m. Nelson

6:00 - 8:00 p.m. Jeff, Amber OR Bishop and Sister Olyroyd

Sun. January 17th

3:30 - 5:00 p.m. Heidi, Jennie, Melissa, Valerie

6:30 - 8:00 p.m. Nelson, JoLynn, Brooke, Stephanie

Sat. January 23rd

2:30 - 4:00 p.m. Grandma, Melissa, Heidi

6:00 - 8:00 p.m. JoLynn, Lee, Michelle

Sun. January 24th

3:30 - 5:00 p.m. Sandy, Lynn, Grandma

6:15 - 7:45 p.m. Nelson

Sat. January 30th

2:30 - 4:00 p.m. Nelson

6:00 - 8:00 p.m. Russ, Jennie, Valerie, Bryan

Sun. January 31st

3:30 - 5:00 p.m. Aaron, Heidi, Jeff, Amber

6:30 - 8:00 p.m. Nelson, Lynn, Sandra, Melissa

Nelson and Becky Picture

I was looking through my pictures today and found this one. It is one of my favorites of Becky.

Family Letter

Here is a copy of a letter Becky wanted me to send to the family.

Thank you for all the sweet emails and letters today. They meant the world today. I thought I would share my journal today. I love and miss you lots.

Love, Becky

January 4, 2010

I have found that Mondays are very busy here. There isn’t a lot of free or study time. It was a day of classes and group discussions. Some were more influential than others.

This morning was spirituality group with the director Dr. Berrett. It was focused on finding our meaning and purpose in life. I was only there for part of the group because I was evaluated by Dr. Ellis, the psychiatrist. It was interesting to observe the other women in the group talk about and listen to Dr. Berrett. I strongly believe in relying on and having faith in God is part of recovery. I am learning that His redeeming power will help me heal and become whole. A part of me wanted express Heavenly Father’s love for them and His ability to heal.

This afternoon I went to a powerful group. Two girls who are discharging tomorrow led it. They talked about being and feeling forgiveness. As an object lesson they placed a tray of sand in the middle of the group. You were to go write a name, feeling, or action you wanted to feel forgiven from in the sand. Then someone else would “erase” it and write their own desire for forgiveness. It proceeded as a chain reaction.

Through this object lesson I thought about the story in the Bible about the woman who committed adultery. In John 8:1-11 it recounts the story. In verses 6-7 says: “This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with is finger wrote on the ground, as thou he heard them not…He that is without sin among you, let him cast a stone at her.”

These verses help me remember that everyone is striving to progress and change in their own way. I love verses 10-11 as they express Christ’s love for us now and forever, weaknesses and all. It reads: “…he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? Hath no man condemned thee?; She said: No man, Lord, and Jesus said unto here, neither do I condemn thee: go and sin no more.”

Christ understands us all we have, are, and will go through. He loves us completely and has atoned for all our sins and weaknesses. When I feel alone or afraid, so has He and can provide me with comfort and love.

Visit with Becky

The sisters had an enjoyable visit with Becky on Sunday afternoon. We got to visit for about 2 hours. It was so great to see Becky and talk with her. We were all amazed at the change in her countenance. She kept eye contact with us and she talked - a lot! It was so good to hear her "Becky voice" again. We made some cards with her and chatted. She shared how its been hard to be there but that she knows she needs to be there. WOW! ... what courage and determination! She is very motivated to progress through the phases and to gain more privileges. She is working really hard and we are so proud of her! She talked a little about her schedule and the classes she goes to ... art therapy, group therapy, meditation, etc. Becky is looking forward to moving onto Phase 2 where she can have more privileges and gets to participate in outings (ie. Equestrian Courage Reins, swimming, walks outside, going to church, etc.) We will get more details as the weeks pass. We celebrated her success of trying new foods (a bite of a doughnut and a taste of an eggroll)! Hurray - for you Becky! Keep moving forward. It was so nice to just be with Becky and to see the progress she is making. She is incredibly strong - a fighter for sure! We love you, Becks! Keep it up - you inspire us all!

Link to Handy Family Calendar

Calendar can be used to co-ordinate visits with Becky and other related Family events.

Becky's Priviledges

Here is a list of Becky's priviledges in each phase. Rights now of course she is on phase one.

Becky's Letter to Yates Family

My mom wanted to share this letter with all of you. I visited Becky today. It was good to see her. She is doing well. Very motivated to come home also very lonely. She sends her love to everyone. Thanks for all your love and support. Nelson

December 31, 2009

JoLynn and Family,

Thank you for your email and words of encouragement. I love you all so much and miss you a lot. What is everyone doing tonight for New Years? When do David and Heather leave? I hope you all had a fun night.

Thank you for taking Nelson in and letting him stay. I just want him to be with someone so he isn’t lonely. I love him so much and miss him a lot. Give him a good night hug and kiss for me. The hardest part about being here is being away from the people I love.

Each day is filled with different types of therapy-individual visits, family visits, group therapy, art therapy, body image, 12 step spiritual group, and music therapy. They are all classes that help you overcome.Once I have music therapy I’ll tell you about it. I bet you would like it.

In addition to classes, we have lots of writing assignments, reading assignments, and art projects. It is like being in school again. I am definitely learning a lot and trying my best. How are your lessons going? Are there recitals coming up? How is Michelle doing? Is she feeling any better? You are all in my thoughts and prayers night and day! I love and miss you all.

Love, Becky

Becky

Becky is doing fine. All her nurses say she is doing great!

C4C Daily Schedule