One Year Anniversary

It is hard to believe it was a year ago, I embarked on my journey of recovery with the Center for Change. In a way it feels like yesterday, and yet so long ago. There have been so many blessings, miracles, and tender mercies over the past year. It would be very difficult to name them all, and some are too personal to share. However, each and every blessing - seen or unseen- testifies of God's love for me. God is ever near and aware of our life's journey. He is there to walk beside and even carry at times. Through the atonement, the Savior is able to succor all our needs, worries, and troubles.

As I entered the CFC, I was afraid to be alone. On my first night, I wrote in my journal of my fears and said, "I am drawing on mine & my family's prayers, priesthood blessings, and my faith in God to pull me through another day. My Savior please be with me and Nelson."

God never left me. In fact I believe He was nearer through His love and angels. My sweet guardian angel, Grandpa was there for me on dark, lonely nights or scary, first experiences. Loving angels were there with me at the Center, including Dr. Julie, Torey, nurses, care techs, and other patients. I believe it is a miracle of the great women I was blessed with on this journey of faith. My angels manifest that God never left me, but rather blessed me with abundant guardian angels.

Dr. Julie shared a quote with me from Elder Neal A. Maxwell when I first arrived at the CFC:

"One's life . . . cannot be both faith-filled and stressfree. . . Therefore, how can you and I really expect to glide naively throughout life, as if to say, 'Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betral, and certainly not be forsaken. Keep from me Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what thou art! Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share thy joy! Read faith . . . is required to endure this necessary but painful developmental process."

This year has been a process of growth and change - a journey of self-discovery and self-worth.
While at the CFC my friend Mary left me a note with an inspirational quote I like to read often to remind me of the importance of suffering for growth. It comes from a book called, Touchstones:

“Suffering is a journey which has an end. Pain is part of life. To live a spiritual life, we need a way to understand the suffering we sometimes endure. Looking back at other difficult times can give us a better perspective of the pain we feel today. All of us can recall a loss or a sudden difficult change that we never would have chosen for ourselves (although I think I did choose this trial to face in my premortal existence). Perhaps it brought us face to face with insecurities or doubts about our survival. Now, after the suffering has ended, we see how much we grew. We changed; we were strengthened and, perhaps, were liberated by what happened to us.
Thoughts about today’s suffering may not be clear as to what good it holds for us. But we are on a journey and it can only happen one step at a time. We know that journeys teach us great lessons and they do have endings. Our pain today affirms that we are vital and alive people. We know that others suffer as we do, and we can turn to each other to give and receive comfort while we are on the journey. My pain will teach me something I need to know, and it will have an end. I will pay attention to its lesson.”

After Mary wrote this which also brought a lot of peace:
“As I’ve been here at the Center, I’ve come to believe that this disease is one of Satan’s acute tools to target powerful, strong women who can and will do marvelous and great works while here on earth. He strikes at our very souls- literally, our minds, spirits, and bodies. I’ve come to believe that I can and will cast him and this disease out of my life so that I can say, as Moses said to Satan – Rent and rave all you’d like, frighten me with the horrific power of the depths of hell; but when you are done- please step out of my way. For I am a child of God and I have a work to do, and I will do it.”

I am so grateful for God's loving hands that bring blessings of growth through trials and experiences. Although this past year has been very difficult at times, I would change it because of the many blessings that have come through it. I have discovered triumphs come through trials, progress comes through learning, and discovery comes through hunting.

I have come to see, believe, and know for myself that my challenges are the greatest blessings in my life. I would and will not trade them for anything. Through my challenges I am able to draw closer to my Heavenly Father. He is aware of my path and journey and the ways it will mold me to the person His sees in my eternal mirror. God’s hands, grace, and love are always there for me. His hands comfort, pray, hug, and lift me. Without him I am nothing and with Him I can become everything.

Christmas Past and Present

Christmas brings with it a time to reminisce of Christmas past. Although each Christmas is special in its own way, some seem to stand out more than others.

As a child, I remember most the magic of Christmas, especially Grandpa’s slight of hand. I can’t help but laugh at Grandpa’s magical story of capturing Grandpa’s boot. Joy fills my heart as I recall special gifts and memories. The year I received my special monkey, “Charlie,” just like Grandpa’s. Another timeless Christmas is Grandpa’s magical bus trip to Disneyland with everyone. My heart treasures my last Christmas with Grandpa. He was a man true to tradition, beginning or continuing. I remember helping Grandpa prepare the White Family first Sub for Santa. Through this I began to understand the magic of giving anonymously.

The best Christmas past I believe all mankind was a part of before coming to earth- the first Christmas. On this sacred day, the gift of love, hope and peace were given in God’s gift of His son, the Savior of all mankind.

Elder Holland explains this magnificent gift, “At this focal point of all human history, a point illuminated by a new star in the heavens revealed for just such a purpose, probably no other mortal watched—none but a poor young carpenter, a beautiful virgin mother, and silent stabled animals who had not the power to utter the sacredness they had seen.

Shepherds would soon arrive and later, wise men from the East. Later yet the memory of that night would bring Santa Claus and Frosty and Rudolph—and all would be welcome. But first and forever there was just a little family, without toys or trees or tinsel. With a baby—that’s how Christmas began.

It is for this baby that we shout in chorus: “Hark! The herald angels sing Glory to the newborn king! … Mild he lays his glory by, Born that man no more may die: Born to raise the sons of earth, Born to give them second birth.” (Hymns, no. 60.)

This Christmas is a special one for me. In a few short days, I will reach a year mark upon the beginning of my journey with the Center for Change. My heart reflects with overflowing gratitude for my many blessings. The best gift I have been given cannot be wrapped or bought at the store, but only felt in my heart – “a second birth.”

Like those at the Savior’s birth, you are an angel that has ignited my way with your surrounding love. I feel I have traveled from extreme darkness into heaven’s light. Your glowing light of love has carried me through the difficult challenges I have faced and continue to fight. Thank you for being an angel during this year to love, encourage, and pray for me.

Wrapped in swaddling clothes, the greatest gift was given of the Savior – life now and forever. I feel I have been given a second chance in life. The gift of forgiveness, love, and hope enwrap my spirit. These cherished gifts have helped me in my quest to find the treasure of my individual worth. In my quest, the magic of God’s love has helped me transform them into stepping-stones. Although the quest may be overwhelming, I know it is part of the journey. Triumphs come through trials, progress comes through learning, and discovery comes through hunting.

I have come to believe that an eating disorder is one of Satan’s acute tools to target powerful, strong women who can and will do marvelous and great works while here on earth. He strikes at our very souls- literally, our minds, spirits, and bodies. I’ve come to believe that I can and will cast him and this disease out of my life so that I can say, as Moses said to Satan – “Rent and rave all you’d like, frighten me with the horrific power of the depths of hell; but when you are done- please step out of my way. For I am a child of God and I have a work to do, and I will do it.”

I have come to see, believe, and know for myself that my challenges are the greatest blessings in my life. I would and will not trade them for anything. Through my challenges I am able to draw closer to my Heavenly Father. He is aware of my path and journey and the ways it will mold me to the person His sees in my eternal mirror. God’s hands, grace, and love are always there for me. His hands comfort, pray, hug, and lift me. Without him I am nothing and with Him I can become everything.

Thank you for giving me so much love, hope, and encouragement through your faith, prayers, encouragement and testimony. God has truly blessed me with so many angels of light.

With much Love,

Sending Pixie Dust!

Light of Christ

As my mind reflects on this year, my heart and soul overflow with deep gratitude for my many blessings. I know Heavenly Father's love surrounds us always and forever. In the hardest times, His love is nearer with angles, miracles, and tender mercies. Words cannot express my gracious heart for His mercy and love.

The symbols of Christmas lights have brought on new meaning this year. . .

Twinkling lights shining on trees and homes represent the Light of the World- my Savior and Redeemer. The Bible Dictionary describes the Light of Christ as, "enlightenment, knowledge, and an uplifting, enabling, persevering influence that comes upon mankind because of Jesus Christ. . . it is the means by which Christ is able to be 'in all things, and is through all things, and is round about all things.' It 'giveth life to all things.'" Intwined in my eating disorder, this magical light was lost in Lucifer's darkness. My spirit was captive to his deceits of despair and hopelessness.

Through journey to mend my bucket and fill it with life's pixie dust, my spirit is enlightened to a new perspective of God's plan of happiness. What brightness of hope is found in sparkling smiles, tickling tummies, glimpses of growth, and most of all twinkling eyes. Dr. Julie and I often talk about the change of eyes in an eating disorder. I feel there is a change both inwardly and outwardly in my eyes - a brightness of hope and love for the past, present and future.

I have begun to understand the power of pain in lighting my way to heaven. Heavenly Father blesses me with hardships to mold and shape me. They truly magnify my spirit with His grace, beauty and love. Hardships are the silver linings of life, radiating the worth of my soul as a daughter of a King.

Individual Worth

Today I am presenting a lesson to a young women's group in my friend from school's ward. Mom asked me to send it out. As I wrote this, I found it hard to find the ability to put into words all that I feel. I guess somethings of the spirit can only be felt, not spoken. . . .

Individual Worth

It seems all fairy tales begin and end with two magical phrases, "Once upon a time" and "And they lived happily ever after."

In last April’s (2010) Young Women General Conference, President Utchdorf gave a magnificent talk entitled, "Your Happily Ever After." He thoughts and insights were enlightening. He begins his talk with:

"Aren’t those wonderful words to begin a story? “Once upon a time” promises something: a story of adventure and romance, a story of princesses and princes. It may include tales of courage, hope, and everlasting love. In many of these stories, nice overcomes mean and good overcomes evil. But perhaps most of all, I love it when we turn to the last page and our eyes reach the final lines and we see the enchanting words “And they lived happily ever after.”
Isn’t that what we all desire: to be the heroes and heroines of our own stories; to triumph over adversity; to experience life in all its beauty; and, in the end, to live happily ever after?”
In the magical phrases of its beginning and ending, ignorance to the most enchanting part of the story is found. Reading the line "And they lived happily ever after," may cause one to believe that nothing difficult would ever cross the character's path again. However, as I was thinking about this phrase, I came to understand that these magical character’s happiness was found not only before and after the hard obstacles they endured, but most of importantly in between.

A young woman’s fairy tale is nothing short of extraordinary. On the first page of your Young Women Personal Progress book, you will find these words: “You are a beloved daughter of Heavenly Father, prepared to come to the earth at this particular time for a sacred and glorious purpose.” This purpose is stated in the Young Woman’s Theme.

From Elder Utchdorf’s message he states,
Sisters, those words are true! They are not made up in a fairy tale! Isn’t it remarkable to know that our eternal Heavenly Father knows you, hears you, watches over you, and loves you with an infinite love? In fact, His love for you is so great that He has granted you this earthly life as a precious gift of “once upon a time,” complete with your own true story of adventure, trial, and opportunities for greatness, nobility, courage, and love. And, most glorious of all, He offers you a gift beyond price and comprehension. Heavenly Father offers to you the greatest gift of all—eternal life—and the opportunity and infinite blessing of your own “happily ever after.”
But such a blessing does not come without a price. It is not given simply because you desire it. It comes only through understanding who you are and what you must become in order to be worthy of such a gift."
Like all of God’s children, my life’s fairy tale to finding the treasure of my individual worth has been a quest with stumbling stones. In my journey, the magic of God’s love has helped me transform them into stepping-stones.

For the past few years, I have struggled through one of my life’s trials in striving to overcome an eating disorder. A year ago, I entered the Center for Change, an inpatient eating disorder treatment center. Here fairies, angels, and magicians helped me begin my triumph over an individual battle I have fought for years. Through this experience I was able to gain spiritual strength as I found magic pixie dust in simple moments of life. All of God’s children are called to endure and overcome challenges, whether they are physical, emotional, or spiritual. Although an eating disorder has an outward manifestation, it is more accurately an inward battle.

My eating disorder encompassed many different challenges. However, the greatest challenge was moving through the storm of Lucifer’s deceits to see my individual worth as a daughter of God. In the storm of my mind, I felt broken, unlovable, and worthless. My eyes were blind to my potential of majesty as a daughter of a King. With humility, I began to discover the blessings of being “broken.”

Broken & Mending 4/18/2010

Broken
A word that usually brings feelings of despair
Has developed a new, deeper meaning to me
Of hope, healing, and mending

All things that are broken can be mended
Added strength through persistence
Blessings overflowing
An enduring pathway to heaven above

The sacred covenant renewed through the sacrament
Are given through partaking of the broken bread
In memory of the Only Begotten
Who died that I may born again

This holy covenant reminds me of
My Savior’s broken tomb
Opened to mend all men’s graves
To live with Him again

My broken heart
Opens my soul to greater understanding
Mending my spirit with strength to endure
Enlarging my heart with a greater capacity to love

In humility my knees are broken in humility in prayer
Heaven’s light seeps into me bowed before m Maker
His arms wrapped around me mend my wounds
Comfort and blessed by His eternal love

My broken spirit is mended with love
Becoming more whole and complete
Leading me to heaven above
More refined to my true self

I am broken
But not without the power to mend from my Savior
His healing power leads me heaven bound
A power to heal wounds to create my greater self

In a CES fireside, President Utchdorf shared a fairy tale parable that has helped me through my journey to accept my individual worth:
The Ugly Duckling
One of the most beloved storytellers of all time was the Danish writer Hans Christian Andersen. In one of his stories, “The Ugly Duckling,” a mother duck discovers that one of her newly hatched chicks is unusually large and very ugly. At first the mother wonders if she has hatched a turkey egg, but the ugly child can swim as well as her other children. And so she comes to the conclusion that the poor thing is simply abnormal and disfigured.
The other ducklings, however, cannot leave the ugly child alone. They punish him mercilessly, pecking at him and teasing him and making him miserable. Finally, the ugly duckling decides it would be better for everyone if he left his family, and he runs away. During the bitter cold of his first winter on his own, the poor duckling nearly freezes to death, but somehow he survives. In spite of his privations, he feels himself getting stronger, and he loves spreading his wings and taking flight even though he’s alone.
Then one day he sees flying overhead a flock of majestic birds, white as snow, graceful in their movements, with beautiful long necks and wide, elegant wings. Oh, what glorious and happy creatures! The ugly duckling longs to fly with them. He is afraid that they might kill him because he is so ugly. But then he decides that would be better than being pecked at by the other animals forever or freezing to death in the winter. And so he takes flight and follows them to a beautiful lake where they settle onto the water.
As he lands, the ugly duckling looks into the water and sees the reflection of a magnificent swan. Gradually, unable to believe it at first, the ugly duckling realizes that the reflection is his own! To his surprise the other swans welcome him, and they even agree that he is the most beautiful, most majestic of all the swans. At last he has discovered who he really is.
The Great Questions
Like this young swan, most of us have felt at one time or another that we don’t quite fit in. Much of the confusion we experience in this life comes from simply not understanding who we are. Too many go about their lives thinking they are of little worth when, in reality, they are elegant and eternal creatures of infinite value with potential beyond imagination.
Discovering who we really are is part of this great adventure called life. Mankind’s greatest minds have wrestled endlessly with these questions: Where did we come from? Why are we here? What happens after we die? And how does all this fit together—how does it make sense?
Once we begin to understand the answers to these questions—not with the mind only, but with the heart and the soul—we will begin to understand who we are, and we will feel like the wanderer who is finally finding home. We will feel like the young swan who has discovered at last who he really is. Everything finally makes sense.

Just like the swan, you are elegant and eternal creatures of infinite value with potential beyond imagination. Though you will pass through trials and hardships, these only increase your worth.

**Share Body Image and Mask

My friend Mary left me a note with an inspirational quote while at the CFC. It comes from a book called, Touchstones:
“Suffering is a journey which has an end. Pain is part of life. To live a spiritual life, we need a way to understand the suffering we sometimes endure. Looking back at other difficult times can give us a better perspective of the pain we feel today. All of us can recall a loss or a sudden difficult change that we never would have chosen for ourselves (although I think I did choose this trial to face in my premortal existence). Perhaps it brought us face to face with insecurities or doubts about our survival. Now, after the suffering has ended, we see how much we grew. We changed; we were strengthened and, perhaps, were liberated by what happened to us.
Thoughts about today’s suffering may not be clear as to what good it holds for us. But we are on a journey and it can only happen one step at a time. We know that journeys teach us great lessons and they do have endings. Our pain today affirms that we are vital and alive people. We know that others suffer as we do, and we can turn to each other to give and receive comfort while we are on the journey. My pain will teach me something I need to know, and it will have an end. I will pay attention to its lesson.”
After Mary wrote this which also brought a lot of peace:
“As I’ve been here at the Center, I’ve come to believe that this disease is one of Satan’s acute tools to target powerful, strong women who can and will do marvelous and great works while here on earth. He strikes at our very souls- literally, our minds, spirits, and bodies. I’ve come to believe that I can and will cast him and this disease out of my life so that I can say, as Moses said to Satan – Rent and rave all you’d like, frighten me with the horrific power of the depths of hell; but when you are done- please step out of my way. For I am a child of God and I have a work to do, and I will do it.”

This quote and encouragement brought a lot of comfort and peace to me. Although the quest may be overwhelming, I know it is part of the journey. Triumphs come through trials, progress comes through learning, and discovery comes through hunting.

I have come to see, believe, and know for myself that my challenges are the greatest blessings in my life. I would and will not trade them for anything. Through my challenges I am able to draw closer to my Heavenly Father. He is aware of my path and journey and the ways it will mold me to the person His sees in my eternal mirror. God’s hands, grace, and love are always there for me. His hands comfort, pray, hug, and lift me. Without him I am nothing and with Him I can become everything.

Even though the past few years have been extremely difficult emotionally, I am grateful for the growing opportunities I have been blessed with. I have hope and faith that these challenges are the stepping-stones of progress that are necessary to take.

One of the first blessings of my patriarchal blessing states, "Remember that happiness is a pathway that you would follow, not a destination which you hope someday to obtain." In my fairy tale of life, I am learning to seek the treasures of happiness found in my journey. After all, God's plan is called "His Great Plan of Happiness." This is an eternal gift of love from our Heavenly Father. It prepares a way for me and all His children to receive a body, come to earth to be tested, and progress to become more like Him.

Lucifer truly envies the gift of our body for He will never receive one. My body enables me to experience and receive magnificent joy through the obstacles I overcome. Satan is envious of the great blessings of happiness found along the journey and strives to blind my eyes to see life's overflowing treasures.

The Master’s Touch
Becky Yates
5/16/10

A blank canvas stands before me
Ready for a masterpiece of creation
An outline of my journey and progression
Sketching my divine character

Each brush of the paintbrush is a mark of my character
Depicting the colors of my spirit
Enlightening my true self
Drawing me closer to my home above

At times I set my paintbrush down
Unsure how to continue forward
What color, shade, or stroke to do
Bound by feelings of inadequacy

My eyes are blinded by the darkness of insecurity
My arms and hands become faint
My knees feeble by the load I bear
Captured by the enemy’s snare

Yet I am not alone
My master has never left me
The Master’s Touch embraces my hands
Leading and directing my divine design

Through the actions of my hands
My Master stands behind me
Guiding the strokes and travels of my hand
Embracing me with warmth and love

When my hands stumble and slip
He is there to lead my hand with tenderness
Creating a masterpiece from my mistakes
For in imperfection is His perfection found

Each smear and splotch is part of His plan
Refining and polishing my image
Marking His perfect design as a daughter of a king
With the Master’s Touch, my masterpiece is created

President Utchdorf concludes his talk of “Our True Identity.”

It is my earnest prayer that the knowledge of who you are and what you may become will fill your souls with the peaceable love of God and that this will ignite within you a happiness worthy of your true heritage, for in truth you are princes and princesses, kings and queens.

There will always be voices telling you that you are foolish to believe that you are swans, insisting you are but ugly ducklings and that you can’t expect to become anything else.
But you know better. Because of the revealed word of a merciful God, you have seen your true reflection in the water and you have felt the eternal glory of that divine spirit within you. You are no ordinary beings, my beloved young friends all around the world. You are glorious and eternal.

No matter your circumstances or trials in life, I urge you to remember who you are, where you came from, and where you are going—for the answers to those questions will truly provide confidence and direction for your life. Your Heavenly Father lives. He knows you.

Testimony

Happily Ever After

It seems all fairy tales begin and end with two magical phrases, "Once upon a time" and "And they lived happily ever after."

In April 2010 Young Women General Conference, President Utchdorf gave a magnificent talk entitled, "Your Happily Ever After." He thoughts and insights were magically uplifting. He begins his talk with:

"Aren’t those wonderful words to begin a story? “Once upon a time” promises something: a story of adventure and romance, a story of princesses and princes. It may include tales of courage, hope, and everlasting love. In many of these stories, nice overcomes mean and good overcomes evil. But perhaps most of all, I love it when we turn to the last page and our eyes reach the final lines and we see the enchanting words “And they lived happily ever after.”

Isn’t that what we all desire: to be the heroes and heroines of our own stories; to triumph over adversity; to experience life in all its beauty; and, in the end, to live happily ever after?

Today I want to draw your attention to something very significant, very extraordinary. On the first page of your Young Women Personal Progress book, you will find these words: “You are a beloved daughter of Heavenly Father, prepared to come to the earth at this particular time for a sacred and glorious purpose.”1

Sisters, those words are true! They are not made up in a fairy tale! Isn’t it remarkable to know that our eternal Heavenly Father knows you, hears you, watches over you, and loves you with an infinite love? In fact, His love for you is so great that He has granted you this earthly life as a precious gift of “once upon a time,” complete with your own true story of adventure, trial, and opportunities for greatness, nobility, courage, and love. And, most glorious of all, He offers you a gift beyond price and comprehension. Heavenly Father offers to you the greatest gift of all—eternal life—and the opportunity and infinite blessing of your own “happily ever after.”

But such a blessing does not come without a price. It is not given simply because you desire it. It comes only through understanding who you are and what you must become in order to be worthy of such a gift."

Reading the line "And they lived happily ever after," may cause one to believe that nothing difficult would ever cross the character's path again. However, as I was thinking about this phrase, I came to understand that these magical characters happiness was found before and after the hard obstacles they endured, but most of importantly in between.

One of the first blessings of my patriarchal blessing states, "Remember that happiness is a pathway that you would follow, not a destination which you hope someday to obtain." In my fairy tale of life, I am learning to seek the treasures of happiness found in my journey. After all, God's plan is called "His Great Plan of Happiness." This is an eternal gift of love from our Heavenly Father. It prepares a way for me and all His children to receive a body, come to earth to be tested, and progress to become more like Him.

Lucifer truly envies the gift of our body for He will never receive one. My body enables me to experience and receive magnificent joy through the obstacles I overcome. Satan is envious of the great blessings of happiness found along the journey and strives to blind my eyes to see life's overflowing treasures.

In the season of Thanksgiving, I have been seeking to be more aware of God's daily miracles of happiness. . . .

Embracing, nestling hugs

Giggling, tickles of tummies

Twinkling, smiling eyes (& eyebrows - Haydn)

Soft, gentle kisses

Caring, warm hands to hold

Enlightening, empowering prayers

Sparkling, flickering testimonies

Glistening, glittering signs of growth

Dancing, cradling baby fingers & toes

Understanding, loving friends

Inspiring, enduring angels of love

This is just the beginning, for my treasure chest continues to overflow with gifts of happiness sent in His daily tender mercies.

Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust

As I have tried to process the emotional roller coaster of the past few weeks, I have thought to compare it to vast difference between faith and fear. It is like a light switch from brightness to darkness. The sources of each are from opposing sources, one leading to hope and the other to despair.

My negative mind circulates endless fears of doubt, hopelessness, and failure. The adversary wants me to believe I am worthless by evidence of unobservable change. He feels my mind with cycles of worries – of life here and now as well as the future. This fear enraptures my soul, obstructing my ability to move.

I am realizing this fear to be a quicksand to despair. Like a “flaxen cord,” Lucifer’s quicksand appears safe until I am stepped into it. If I choose to let the discouraging cycle spin, it leads quickly to feelings of being “stuck” without hope. Yet, I am discovering frantic thoughts only funnel my soul to sink deeper.

Understanding the purpose and power of Lucifer’s quicksand, I am striving to use my wand and pixie dust to confront his deceits. Dr. Julie has taught me God’s pixie dust is faith, hope, and charity. Faith in God’s plan through the power of the atonement will help me find my potential and overcome all. Hope in journey that will lead me safely to God’s loving arms in heaven above. God wants all His children to return home. He won’t let me fail. Charity for God, my family, friends, those I associate with, and me. I am learning to love me for me. Charity is the ability to love and be loved.

Each pocket full of pixie dust is created by my thoughts and actions of faith in God and me. When my soul is anchored to trust in His plan and timing, my eyes are enlightened to new understanding. I find treasures of growth and change, twinklings of light. Etches in my character that can only be seen with eyes of faith.

Bishop Edgley’s conference taught me of the power of faith in God and me:

“When the disciples asked Jesus why they could not cast a devil out as they had just witnessed the Savior do, Jesus answered, “If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove” (Matthew 17:20). I have never witnessed the removal of an actual mountain. But because of faith I have seen a mountain of doubt and despair removed and replaced with hope and optimism. Because of faith I have personally witnessed a mountain of sin replaced with repentance and forgiveness. And because of faith I have personally witnessed a mountain of pain replaced with peace, hope, and gratitude. Yes, I have seen mountains removed.”

I know through my power of faith, God will help me “remove this mountain.” It will be a journey, but what wonderful sights of change to behold along the way. Each glimmer of faith brings added pixie dust to my pocket, which will enable me to fly home to Him when I have overcome all that He asks me. I am choosing to use God’s light instead of Lucifer’s sand of despair.

Shades of Autumn's Changes

As spring buds began to peek through this year, my mind was drawn to evidences of rebirth and new life. My eyes tracked the slight changes each day of a new birds' nest, baby ducklings, and flowers poking through the winter's hard ground. The newness of life found around me enlightened my understanding to see the changes in my personal growth.

I was excited by the possibility of the new blossoms to break through the cold ground to a light and brightness of spring. It brought a renewed sense of happiness and freedom. Usually, I joyfully anticipate fall, but this year I unsure of its beginning. I feared with its arrival, my growth and change like the flowers would "fall." My heart yearns to continue to move forward along the path of recovery and life.

Combating this fear, I realized the power and purpose of fall and the coming winter. I recognize trees and all living things do not stop growing all year. The colors of the leaves are evidence of the trees' internal change. During the fall and winter, trees are resting, healing, and cultivating the ability to produce in the spring. The transformations are hidden, but significant.

This is similar to individual growth. Sometimes changes occur internally, invisible to my outward eye. In time, the internal process of healing and growing inside bring external blessings. Patiently waiting for those outward manifestations is an active process of faith. I am learning that the Lord's timing is often different from my own. However, His knowledge of the beginning to the end sees the power possibility of patience. In enduring faith, momentous growth is made to continue forward. I am grateful for the cycle of growth that comes with all seasons: fall, winter, spring, and summer.

Reaching for Recovery

The goal seems so close, yet so far away

Yet my feet stumble, my soul weary to the demon’s taunts

He whispers constantly of failure and hopelessness

At times his fears envelope me

Hoping and reaching forward to my anchor of light

Only to be captured by the demon’s grasp with my imperfect steps

His dark perspective blinds me of my potential’s path

Reaching to my Savior to escape his shadowy abyss

I plead fervently for my Savior's grace and mercies

Help me unravel his binding cords of destruction

Rescue me with heaven’s hope and love

Keep me in the safety of thy arms

Lead my steps through this raging storm

Keep my soul anchored in faith and hope

Prove the possibility of fighting diligently

Carry me, Hold me, Walk with me

Take me home to the safe haven of thy eternal love