"Satan slowly binds his prey with small “flaxen cords”[3] gradually,building strength over time. A flaxen cord is a fine, light-colored fiber madewith flax. The thin, soft strands can be easily broken. However, combinedtogether in a cord, it is strong and unyielding.
Lucifer’s plan is to “pacify”God’s children and “lull them away into carnal security” so that he can leadthem “carefully” away from the truth, happiness & God’s eternal love.[4]
Likemany addictions, my eating disorder progressively caught me Lucifer’s grasp.With subtle wraps of His soft flaxen cords, Satan bound me his dark deceits thatI was worthless, unlovable and broken. His silent transformation made it easy forme to ignore the darkness blinding my perception.
Lookingback, I perceive the small “flaxen cords”[5]wrapping around me in slight movements. Lucifer’s lies tricked me to believethat by striving to control different aspects of my life, I would mend all thatwas “broken,” including me. However, in my effort to take control, I did notsee, hear, and understand the truth of the spirit of my Heavenly Father. Nephiexplains that Satan is “the founder of . . . works darkness; yea, and heleadeth them by the neck with a flaxen cord, until he bindeth them with hisstrong cords forever.”[6] Lucifer’s whispers changed myperception of myself. I found it hard to recognize my strengths andaccomplishments. He deceived my soul to keep my emotions hidden. Dreams andgoals became distant and unreachable. My mind, body, and spirit were bound inHis dreary prison. I was desperate to be freed from his captivity, which couldonly come through my Savior and Redeemer."
Recently, both Dr. Julie and Melyssa asked me where I felt I was along the road of recovery. Specifically, what obstacles have I overcome, and what is ahead. This question has drawm my mind to ponder upon the idea of a flaxen cord. I feel the analogy of the wrapping of flaxen cords are subtle in coming, and difficult in unwinding. My mind envisions when I was in the depths of my eating disorder that I was in a dark room without a glimmer of hope. Lucifer's cords of doubt, fear, and worthlessness tightly en-wrapped my soul in a tangled mess. I was lifeless his cords.
Through the process of recovery, I have begun to unwind the cords. Yet I have discovered they are tangled. This means that although you pick at one area on top, sometimes you then need to loosen other strings in the middle first. It seems you tug a little here, a little there, and back again to a previous string. Some of the flaxen cords seem to reappear often, others just once. Yet each string is important to unravel to completely unbind the soul. This is not a solo experience, but by the power of heaven's grace and angels, I find the magic of moving and light freeing my spirit.
One string I have seen quite often the entwines many other cords is the fear of disappointing Nelson. It seems it is one cord that lies at the core and may be one of the most difficult to unravel. When conversations arise that involve Ed, his deception and doubt cycle endlessly in effort to convice me I am "not good enough" for Nelson. I believe by being mindful of this, I can better gain perspective and ability to fight to thought stop and reframe as my good coach taught me. Seeking to be more aware of the knots that continue to bind me, I discovered an "aha" of what to be mindful of and work through - like a special tool to unpick the knot.
In this book, Grover is horrified to learn that there is a monster at the end of the book and begs the reader not to finish it, so as to avoid the monster. He uses several methods to try and keep the reader from progressing, including tying the pages shut and cementing them together with bricks. After each page is turned, the results of the failed effort is shown, and Grover tries a new method to keep the reader from turning yet another page. To the amusement and relief of Grover, the monster at the end of the book turns out to be none other than himself.
Like Grover in this book, sometimes I am afraid to face Ed in new challenges. Yet if I remain silent and unresistant, Ed gets bigger and harder to fight. Dr. Julie taught me the best way to combat Ed is to face him straight on. I guess you would call that a front punch:D. As I continue to untangle Ed's ropes, I hope to be mindful of the cords I am tugging at and mindfully losen their strength. I know I will not do it alone - I never have. By the grace and power of the Savior's Atonement, my soul is enlivened on heaven's wings.
Sending Pixie Dust,
Becky