Last night my friend Mary left me a note with an inspirational quote. It comes from a book called, Touchstones:
“Suffering is a journey which has an end. Pain is part of life. To live a spiritual life, we need a way to understand the suffering we sometimes endure. Looking back at other difficult times can give us a better perspective of the pain we feel today. All of us can recall a loss or a sudden difficult change that we never would have chosen for ourselves (although I think I did choose this trial to face in my premortal existence). Perhaps it brought us face to face with insecurities or doubts about our survival. Now, after the suffering has ended, we see how much we grew. We changed; we were strengthened and, perhaps, were liberated by what happened to us.
Thoughts about today’s suffering may not be clear as to what good it holds for us. But we are on a journey and it can only happen one step at a time. We know that journeys teach us great lessons and they do have endings. Our pain today affirms that we are vital and alive people. We know that others suffer as we do, and we can turn to each other to give and receive comfort while we are on the journey. My pain will teach me something I need to know, and it will have an end. I will pay attention to its lesson.”
After Mary wrote this which also brought a lot of peace:
“As I’ve been here at the Center, I’ve come to believe that this disease is one of Satan’s acute tools to target powerful, strong women who can and will do marvelous and great works while here on earth. He strikes at our very souls- literally, our minds, spirits, and bodies. I’ve come to believe that I can and will cast him and this disease out of my life so that I can say, as Moses said to Satan – Rent and rave all you’d like, frighten me with the horrific power of the depths of hell; but when you are done- please step out of my way. For I am a child of God and I have a work to do, and I will do it.”
This quote and encouragement brought a lot of comfort and peace to me. I feel a little overwhelmed and confused right now, but I know it is part of the journey. Triumphs come through trials, progress comes through learning, and discovery comes through hunting.
I have come to see, believe, and know for myself that my challenges are the greatest blessings in my life. I would and will not trade them for anything. Through my challenges I am able to draw closer to my Heavenly Father. He is aware of my path and journey and the ways it will mold me to the person His sees in my eternal mirror. God’s hands, grace, and love are always there for me. His hands comfort, pray, hug, and lift me. Without him I am nothing and with Him I can become everything.
Even though the past few days have been extremely difficult emotionally, I am grateful for the growing opportunities I have been blessed with. I have hope and faith that these challenges are the stepping stones of progress that are necessary to take.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
News from Becky
Since I have been on RTC I have been able to take an afternoon walk. I love the opportunity this brings to go outside in the sunshine. It has been fun to see the changes of spring occurring: daffodils and tulips blooming, flowers budding, grass greening, birds chirping, and a warm sun shining. I have noticed my eyes seem to track the slight changes that happens everyday like a new birds’ nest, baby ducklings, and small flowers beginning to poke through.
While seeking these treasures of spring, it has made me ponder the small changes in myself. Coming to the Center for Change was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make, but also one of the most rewarding. In this safe haven I have gained the strength to begin my journey of recovery. Each day I am striving to identify the changes in myself, however, I still on a process of self-discovery. Even though I cannot see or feel all the changes about me right now, I can identify a few.
For several months, the trees and flowers were hidden beneath the dark and cold of winter. Now in this cycle of a new beginning of spring, they are able to break through to the light and brightness of spring. This rebirth brings a renewed sense of happiness and freedom.
Like the flowers, I feel I was trapped in the darkness of my eating disorder. I was striving to hide because I felt ashamed and disgraced. I feel freedom to blossom the attributes of laughter, happiness, and fun. My mind and heart are struck each time I find myself really laughing to the point my stomach hurt. The first time it happened with my roommate Michelle I felt like a little kid experiencing something for the first time. I forgot what it felt like to smile and laugh that hard. Laughing definitely is a healthy medicine. I believe even Heavenly Father laughs with us at times.
I also feel the world seems brighter with possibilities to explore. My mind is contemplates the adventures that can be pursued. I am excited to seek new passions that can be enjoyed in life. I am finding life is too short to just be work all the time. I want to find a way to work hard and play hard.
Sometimes in spring storms, flowers are tossed and turned about it the wind. Their reaching for the light of the sun is mocked in the thunderous wind. However, as the storm settles the flower finds the strength to continue to grow and shine its splendor through the nourishment of the rain.
I feel I have been through a rolling storm in my life. However, through the process of recovery I feel my faith has strengthened and expanded in ways it otherwise could not have. I have great faith and knowledge in Heavenly Father’s plan for each of His children. I know He knows me individually. He hears and answers my prayers. Sometimes it isn’t as fast as I want, but He always answers in the best time. God is aware of my strengths and weaknesses and builds my character upon these. A weakness is a secret blessing to draw closer to God and reach my true potential.
Although I cannot identify all the changes in myself now, I am grateful for the opportunities of growth I have experienced over the past few months. I know God is aware of me and is helping me bloom into the beautiful flower I can become, even through the passing of storms.
While seeking these treasures of spring, it has made me ponder the small changes in myself. Coming to the Center for Change was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make, but also one of the most rewarding. In this safe haven I have gained the strength to begin my journey of recovery. Each day I am striving to identify the changes in myself, however, I still on a process of self-discovery. Even though I cannot see or feel all the changes about me right now, I can identify a few.
For several months, the trees and flowers were hidden beneath the dark and cold of winter. Now in this cycle of a new beginning of spring, they are able to break through to the light and brightness of spring. This rebirth brings a renewed sense of happiness and freedom.
Like the flowers, I feel I was trapped in the darkness of my eating disorder. I was striving to hide because I felt ashamed and disgraced. I feel freedom to blossom the attributes of laughter, happiness, and fun. My mind and heart are struck each time I find myself really laughing to the point my stomach hurt. The first time it happened with my roommate Michelle I felt like a little kid experiencing something for the first time. I forgot what it felt like to smile and laugh that hard. Laughing definitely is a healthy medicine. I believe even Heavenly Father laughs with us at times.
I also feel the world seems brighter with possibilities to explore. My mind is contemplates the adventures that can be pursued. I am excited to seek new passions that can be enjoyed in life. I am finding life is too short to just be work all the time. I want to find a way to work hard and play hard.
Sometimes in spring storms, flowers are tossed and turned about it the wind. Their reaching for the light of the sun is mocked in the thunderous wind. However, as the storm settles the flower finds the strength to continue to grow and shine its splendor through the nourishment of the rain.
I feel I have been through a rolling storm in my life. However, through the process of recovery I feel my faith has strengthened and expanded in ways it otherwise could not have. I have great faith and knowledge in Heavenly Father’s plan for each of His children. I know He knows me individually. He hears and answers my prayers. Sometimes it isn’t as fast as I want, but He always answers in the best time. God is aware of my strengths and weaknesses and builds my character upon these. A weakness is a secret blessing to draw closer to God and reach my true potential.
Although I cannot identify all the changes in myself now, I am grateful for the opportunities of growth I have experienced over the past few months. I know God is aware of me and is helping me bloom into the beautiful flower I can become, even through the passing of storms.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Yurt Trip
For the past 2 days I have been gone on an experiential experience at a yurt tent in the high Uintahs. It was a growing and tiring experience – one that I will never forget. I really enjoyed the beautiful scenery in the mountains with the snow and trees all around.
To get there we drove for about an hour and a half. We parked on the side of the road and snow shoed with backpacks and sleds of gear into the campsite. It was about an 1 ½ hike. A hurt is a dome tent with a fire stove to heat it a little warmer than the outside air. I kept warm until halfway through the night, then it got to be a chilly experience. Oh well, all part of the fun.
Last night we went on a little night we went on a little night hike. At one point we had a little snowball fight in a snow covered meadow. Shae, the recreation therapist intern, tried to tackle me a few times. I felt like a little kid again playing and laughing in the snow. To me it was a symbol of recovery because in my eating disorder I wouldn’t have the strength, energy, or attitude to engage in a childish activity.
I enjoyed the trip and being in the mountains, but I was ready for a shower when we got back to the Center for Change. It was especially nice to warm up in the warm shower. I felt really dirty and stinky. I think I added a new smell to the CFC family room for a while.
Yesterday, I taught the 12-step group to the inpatient unit for Dr. Julie. She asked me to do it a few weeks ago as a requirement for my next phase. I was really nervous to do it to some people I know so little about since these patients have come in since I have come over to RTC. I prayed for peace and comfort to be able to teach with the spirit. I really felt it helped a lot. I know I learned a lot from the lesson even if no one else did.
My lesson was on step 2 which is focused on finding a higher power to receive strength to overcome the challenges in life. To introduce the lesson I invited the group to draw a picture with their eyes closed. This represented how lost and dark life may seem without a higher power to guide or direct you. I explained how a higher power can bring light and guidance in how to overcome. Even with the lights on the drawing will not be completely perfect. Mistakes will occur, but will be important to the overall picture. Sometimes even the mistakes can be transformed or seen as the best parts of the final picture.
I then explained how a higher power can also be found in friends, family, and your treatment team. I did a little object lesson with the girls where I had one person stand in front of 3 other girls with balls in their hands. On the count of 3 the 3 girls were to throw their balls at the girl in the middle. Her job was to try to catch as many balls as she could. As you can guess, she wasn’t able to catch any of the balls. I related this to how sometimes I feel I need to overcome everything myself without any help from others. I then asked the girl in the middle to make a plan to be more successful. She invited 2 more people to help her catch the balls and instructed the ball throwers when and where to throw. With this plan, all the balls were successfully caught. This symbolized the power found in reaching out to receive help from others to overcome a challenge in life. I expressed my gratitude for the people I have on my team to help me battle my eating disorder. This includes my husband, family, friends, treatment team, and my loved ones. I am so grateful for the experiences and people I have met at the CFC. Many of them have helped me grow in change in many ways that cannot and will not be forgotten. They are angels of my soul.
To finish the lesson I read the story, “I’ll be with You Always.” It is about a boy who wants to become a famous artist like his father. When he was a young boy he would sit on father’s lap and feel the strokes of his painting. As he got older he went to art school in Europe and started to become famous. His father warned him to remember to see to be his best and not let fame and fortune distract him. However, fame and fortune began to do this, so his father sent for him to come home. He hurried home for fear his father was dying. He cried in agony to his father of his failure. However, the boy’s father asked him to come and paint with him. He put his hands over his fathers and painted the most beautiful thing. As he finished he told his father to look how beautiful it was. He father explained how he was now blind and that the boy had painted it. The father explained that he just needed to remember that no matter what he would always be with him to help him.
I related how this story reminded me that I am the painter of my life, but I am not alone. My higher powers are there to help guide my brush and enlighten my way. With their strength and power I feel I am able to overcome all things. I know my picture will not be perfect, but the mistakes will add to its beauty and power. I also know my maker is aware of what the final picture will turn out to be. He will guide my hand to complete in a way that is perfect in its own light. I am so grateful for my higher powers and the enlightening strength they give me to paint my picture.
To get there we drove for about an hour and a half. We parked on the side of the road and snow shoed with backpacks and sleds of gear into the campsite. It was about an 1 ½ hike. A hurt is a dome tent with a fire stove to heat it a little warmer than the outside air. I kept warm until halfway through the night, then it got to be a chilly experience. Oh well, all part of the fun.
Last night we went on a little night we went on a little night hike. At one point we had a little snowball fight in a snow covered meadow. Shae, the recreation therapist intern, tried to tackle me a few times. I felt like a little kid again playing and laughing in the snow. To me it was a symbol of recovery because in my eating disorder I wouldn’t have the strength, energy, or attitude to engage in a childish activity.
I enjoyed the trip and being in the mountains, but I was ready for a shower when we got back to the Center for Change. It was especially nice to warm up in the warm shower. I felt really dirty and stinky. I think I added a new smell to the CFC family room for a while.
Yesterday, I taught the 12-step group to the inpatient unit for Dr. Julie. She asked me to do it a few weeks ago as a requirement for my next phase. I was really nervous to do it to some people I know so little about since these patients have come in since I have come over to RTC. I prayed for peace and comfort to be able to teach with the spirit. I really felt it helped a lot. I know I learned a lot from the lesson even if no one else did.
My lesson was on step 2 which is focused on finding a higher power to receive strength to overcome the challenges in life. To introduce the lesson I invited the group to draw a picture with their eyes closed. This represented how lost and dark life may seem without a higher power to guide or direct you. I explained how a higher power can bring light and guidance in how to overcome. Even with the lights on the drawing will not be completely perfect. Mistakes will occur, but will be important to the overall picture. Sometimes even the mistakes can be transformed or seen as the best parts of the final picture.
I then explained how a higher power can also be found in friends, family, and your treatment team. I did a little object lesson with the girls where I had one person stand in front of 3 other girls with balls in their hands. On the count of 3 the 3 girls were to throw their balls at the girl in the middle. Her job was to try to catch as many balls as she could. As you can guess, she wasn’t able to catch any of the balls. I related this to how sometimes I feel I need to overcome everything myself without any help from others. I then asked the girl in the middle to make a plan to be more successful. She invited 2 more people to help her catch the balls and instructed the ball throwers when and where to throw. With this plan, all the balls were successfully caught. This symbolized the power found in reaching out to receive help from others to overcome a challenge in life. I expressed my gratitude for the people I have on my team to help me battle my eating disorder. This includes my husband, family, friends, treatment team, and my loved ones. I am so grateful for the experiences and people I have met at the CFC. Many of them have helped me grow in change in many ways that cannot and will not be forgotten. They are angels of my soul.
To finish the lesson I read the story, “I’ll be with You Always.” It is about a boy who wants to become a famous artist like his father. When he was a young boy he would sit on father’s lap and feel the strokes of his painting. As he got older he went to art school in Europe and started to become famous. His father warned him to remember to see to be his best and not let fame and fortune distract him. However, fame and fortune began to do this, so his father sent for him to come home. He hurried home for fear his father was dying. He cried in agony to his father of his failure. However, the boy’s father asked him to come and paint with him. He put his hands over his fathers and painted the most beautiful thing. As he finished he told his father to look how beautiful it was. He father explained how he was now blind and that the boy had painted it. The father explained that he just needed to remember that no matter what he would always be with him to help him.
I related how this story reminded me that I am the painter of my life, but I am not alone. My higher powers are there to help guide my brush and enlighten my way. With their strength and power I feel I am able to overcome all things. I know my picture will not be perfect, but the mistakes will add to its beauty and power. I also know my maker is aware of what the final picture will turn out to be. He will guide my hand to complete in a way that is perfect in its own light. I am so grateful for my higher powers and the enlightening strength they give me to paint my picture.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
RTC News
It has been really busy the last few days at the CFC with therapy, outings, and classes. Yesterday I went to Courage Reins again to work with the children. I love working with the children and watching them grow and change. Their hard work and determination is truly inspiring. I look up how hard they work to overcome the trials they have been given. God is truly aware of all His children loves them individually.
Today I taught 12-step to RTC and will teach it tomorrow to the inpatient unit. My lesson was on using a higher power to overcome life’s challenges. I am so grateful for my higher power that is found in my God, family, friends, and treatment team. They empower me to overcome in positive ways. With God’s strength I am able to overcome.
Tomorrow I am going on an overnight outing to a Yurt – a heated tent in the mountains. I have heard it is a great learning experience with the groups, solos, and other activities it includes. I will let you know what exciting adventures I have soon.
I love and miss you all.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Thoughts from Becky
As I went home on pass this weekend I was thrilled to see the signs of spring showing up. I find renewed energy in the signs of spring as trees and flowers begin to bloom. Spring brings new light and color with its arrival that is enlivening. As I was thinking about these signs I was reminded of something I learned from my yoga teacher, LeAnn on Friday.
She said that sometimes we beat ourselves up when we think we cannot see ourselves progressing or we feel we have moved backward. Sometimes I think life is a continuous process forward, like I am building steps toward heaven. However, LeAnn taught me that life is a process of cycles of learning and growing. It made me think of the cycles I see repeat around me: day/night, seasons, life/death, sin/repentance, and others. Even in the gospel, I am taught the same things repeatedly while finding new discoveries. The lessons in conference and at church repeat over and over because understanding can be expanded.
LeAnn helped me understand that life is not necessarily continuous steps forward. Rather it is a cycle that expands with time and experience. When I struggle with something again, I am going to look at it as a way to deepen my understanding. It doesn’t mean I have fallen backwards. I am finding my challenge cycle expands my understanding and enlivens my spirit. Cycles help bring change in a way that helps me see life through new light and bring me closer to my Savior in ways I know I otherwise couldn’t. Trials are definitely are blessings in disguise.
She said that sometimes we beat ourselves up when we think we cannot see ourselves progressing or we feel we have moved backward. Sometimes I think life is a continuous process forward, like I am building steps toward heaven. However, LeAnn taught me that life is a process of cycles of learning and growing. It made me think of the cycles I see repeat around me: day/night, seasons, life/death, sin/repentance, and others. Even in the gospel, I am taught the same things repeatedly while finding new discoveries. The lessons in conference and at church repeat over and over because understanding can be expanded.
LeAnn helped me understand that life is not necessarily continuous steps forward. Rather it is a cycle that expands with time and experience. When I struggle with something again, I am going to look at it as a way to deepen my understanding. It doesn’t mean I have fallen backwards. I am finding my challenge cycle expands my understanding and enlivens my spirit. Cycles help bring change in a way that helps me see life through new light and bring me closer to my Savior in ways I know I otherwise couldn’t. Trials are definitely are blessings in disguise.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Family Week
Family week started today. The girls came down today for parts of the day. It meant the world to me to have them here. I hope they enjoyed the classes and therapy. Dr. Julie said she really enjoyed meeting everyone that I talk so much about. I am so lucky to have so many wonderful women in my life: my sisters, mothers, and grandmothers. I admire them in many ways. There are great examples of strong women of faith and mothers in Zion. Someday I hope to develop the qualities they express and share with me. They are wonderful blessings in my life. One of my favorite things to do is to be with them. I enjoy playing and visiting with them.
I believe there is a true magic between sisters. I treasure the relationships and memories we share from playing with dolls, dressing up, playing make believe, baking cookies, and of coarse playing ten in a bed. Mom always seemed to come out on top. I still wonder how she always won – I think she cheated! Sister’s hearts are bond in way that makes it easy to laugh, cry, sympathize, and relate to one another. A sister’s connection makes it easy to read between the lines, behind the lies, and understand unspoken messages during a conversation. Their hugs, hearts, and hands bring warmth and comfort.
I am so grateful for mothers who care so tenderly and lovingly. Their hearts are whole and full outpouring love. Gentle hugs, kisses, cuddles, and touches seem to heal even the greatest pains. A mother’s love is the perfect medicine as it is unconditional and eternal. I treasure memories of being taught through my mother’s actions and words to be genuine, kind, forgiving, charitable, giving, selfless, prayful, humble, playful, and loving. Wrapped in a mother’s arms serenity is found. Looking through a mirror with my mother helps me see what God sees, my true self.
I believe there is a true magic between sisters. I treasure the relationships and memories we share from playing with dolls, dressing up, playing make believe, baking cookies, and of coarse playing ten in a bed. Mom always seemed to come out on top. I still wonder how she always won – I think she cheated! Sister’s hearts are bond in way that makes it easy to laugh, cry, sympathize, and relate to one another. A sister’s connection makes it easy to read between the lines, behind the lies, and understand unspoken messages during a conversation. Their hugs, hearts, and hands bring warmth and comfort.
I am so grateful for mothers who care so tenderly and lovingly. Their hearts are whole and full outpouring love. Gentle hugs, kisses, cuddles, and touches seem to heal even the greatest pains. A mother’s love is the perfect medicine as it is unconditional and eternal. I treasure memories of being taught through my mother’s actions and words to be genuine, kind, forgiving, charitable, giving, selfless, prayful, humble, playful, and loving. Wrapped in a mother’s arms serenity is found. Looking through a mirror with my mother helps me see what God sees, my true self.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Future Autobiography
I am the author of my destiny. Challenges may come in my way, but determine if they will become obstacles or stepping stones. It is exciting to think that my future is filled with empty pages to write stories of my life’s experiences and adventures. I am embarking on a journey with no perfect destination. Instead I am seeking to find treasures of happiness along the way. Each pitfall is not a failure, but a celebration of success and growth. They are side trips to discover unexpected fortunes to add to my character.
I am empowered by my vision of possibilities to uncover in my future. Passions provide direction and shape my character. They provide an outlet to express and redefine my personality and purpose. I am eager to pursue hobbies of card making, reading, sewing, journaling, home decorating, running, cross country skiing, biking, and beading. In addition to these specific activities I am interested in the idea of pursuing trying new passions frequently. They do not need to become lifelong passions, but will provide new growing experiences. There are so many different activities to investigate that will continue to help me see what I like and dislike while shaping who I am.
As the author of my destiny, my “Becky voice” will be a defender against my enemies and a leader to victory. My eating disorder voice spoke of uncertainties, incompetence, and worthlessness. In my future, my “Becky voice” will strengthen me to build self-confidence and self-acceptance. It will speak of my true self’s desires, passions, and dreams.
My “Becky voice” will seek to be outspoken of concerns and worries to find greater strength to fight. I am especially committed to sharing with Nelson. By sharing, I will build strong connections of communication and love. Instead of seeking to protect Nelson from my worries, I know communication will protect our relationship. It will draw us closer together in new and unexpected ways. He is my best friend and confidant to be trusted with anything. Communication will be an anchor of strength in our marriage as we stay committed to each other.
I am excited to take time to have fun in life to move away from worries and work. This time may be with Nelson, family, or by myself. I am enlivened to take time to find pleasure in simple and planned activities each day. Some adventures may include vacations, field trips, enjoying the outdoors, taking a nap, exploring passions, and simply relaxing. Time for fun is rejuvenating to my mind, body, and soul.
Life has blessed me with challenges and experiences that have molded and shaped who I am. In my future, I want to share these moments with others to help them through their journey. Sharing will help empower me to keep on the road of recovery as I remember the fears I have overcome and the changes I have made.
The light of recovery seems possible in my future. I realize it will take time for the darkness of my eating disorder to totally disappear, but I have the learned coping skills to fight against it. Each day my voice will get stronger. Even though I may have some set backs, I know I will overcome. I am ready to find my life full of passions, enjoyment, and purpose. I am the author of my destiny!
I am empowered by my vision of possibilities to uncover in my future. Passions provide direction and shape my character. They provide an outlet to express and redefine my personality and purpose. I am eager to pursue hobbies of card making, reading, sewing, journaling, home decorating, running, cross country skiing, biking, and beading. In addition to these specific activities I am interested in the idea of pursuing trying new passions frequently. They do not need to become lifelong passions, but will provide new growing experiences. There are so many different activities to investigate that will continue to help me see what I like and dislike while shaping who I am.
As the author of my destiny, my “Becky voice” will be a defender against my enemies and a leader to victory. My eating disorder voice spoke of uncertainties, incompetence, and worthlessness. In my future, my “Becky voice” will strengthen me to build self-confidence and self-acceptance. It will speak of my true self’s desires, passions, and dreams.
My “Becky voice” will seek to be outspoken of concerns and worries to find greater strength to fight. I am especially committed to sharing with Nelson. By sharing, I will build strong connections of communication and love. Instead of seeking to protect Nelson from my worries, I know communication will protect our relationship. It will draw us closer together in new and unexpected ways. He is my best friend and confidant to be trusted with anything. Communication will be an anchor of strength in our marriage as we stay committed to each other.
I am excited to take time to have fun in life to move away from worries and work. This time may be with Nelson, family, or by myself. I am enlivened to take time to find pleasure in simple and planned activities each day. Some adventures may include vacations, field trips, enjoying the outdoors, taking a nap, exploring passions, and simply relaxing. Time for fun is rejuvenating to my mind, body, and soul.
Life has blessed me with challenges and experiences that have molded and shaped who I am. In my future, I want to share these moments with others to help them through their journey. Sharing will help empower me to keep on the road of recovery as I remember the fears I have overcome and the changes I have made.
The light of recovery seems possible in my future. I realize it will take time for the darkness of my eating disorder to totally disappear, but I have the learned coping skills to fight against it. Each day my voice will get stronger. Even though I may have some set backs, I know I will overcome. I am ready to find my life full of passions, enjoyment, and purpose. I am the author of my destiny!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Becky's News
Dear Family,
Just wanted to drop a little note to say thanks for the fun weekend and I love you! It was fun to see everyone on Saturday at Haydn’s party. As I was sitting there all the little nieces and nephews seemed to be growing up so fast. I loved watching and hearing about their new tricks: making bracelets, walking, learning colors, playing soccer, and much more. They are so cute!
Yesterday, I went to mom and dad’s ward. Bishop VanWagner gave a really good talk that taught me many things. He talked about camels in relation to gospel topics. Bishop explained how camels are kind unattractive and uninviting with their ability to spit. However, they are also really powerful with their strengths and abilities. Camels can travel far distances without stopping for food and water, withstand extreme heat, and carry heavy loads. A camel’s master is very trusting of their abilities to endure and push forward. Each morning a camel bows before his master to take on a new load. Then, at the end of each day, a camel bows to his master to take their heavy burdens that they bear.
Just like a camel, I have a master I bow to each morning in humility in to ask for strength and power to overcome the challenges of the day. I have learned from someone special to me to ask “how” instead of “why” to my master. He is omnipotent and knows how my experiences will help me become what He sees in my eternal mirror. I believe He gently places my “load” for the day with tender mercy and care.
Throughout my day’s journey, I know my master is walking beside me each step of the way. When the load is too heavy to bear, He lets me rest while encouraging to keep going. As I muster the strength to keep going, my master continues to walk beside me – never leaving me alone. When I start to leave the path, He is there to guide me back to safety, if I will listen and obey. His gentle words of love and support help me keep moving.
At the end of the day, I humbly bow before him to take the load for a while. Through His everlasting grace and mercy, the load is lifted. I am so grateful for His strength and love. Without His tender mercies I know I would not be able to overcome. His merciful arms lift and carry me always.
Bishop VanWagner also explained how each camel has a different load that can be deceiving. Just like the camels, I believe everyone has their own loads or trials to bear. Each is different in their size, but comparable in the treasures they hold. I am learning how important trials are for discovering who I am and uncovering life’s treasures. Challenges are definitely blessings in disguise.
Just wanted to drop a little note to say thanks for the fun weekend and I love you! It was fun to see everyone on Saturday at Haydn’s party. As I was sitting there all the little nieces and nephews seemed to be growing up so fast. I loved watching and hearing about their new tricks: making bracelets, walking, learning colors, playing soccer, and much more. They are so cute!
Yesterday, I went to mom and dad’s ward. Bishop VanWagner gave a really good talk that taught me many things. He talked about camels in relation to gospel topics. Bishop explained how camels are kind unattractive and uninviting with their ability to spit. However, they are also really powerful with their strengths and abilities. Camels can travel far distances without stopping for food and water, withstand extreme heat, and carry heavy loads. A camel’s master is very trusting of their abilities to endure and push forward. Each morning a camel bows before his master to take on a new load. Then, at the end of each day, a camel bows to his master to take their heavy burdens that they bear.
Just like a camel, I have a master I bow to each morning in humility in to ask for strength and power to overcome the challenges of the day. I have learned from someone special to me to ask “how” instead of “why” to my master. He is omnipotent and knows how my experiences will help me become what He sees in my eternal mirror. I believe He gently places my “load” for the day with tender mercy and care.
Throughout my day’s journey, I know my master is walking beside me each step of the way. When the load is too heavy to bear, He lets me rest while encouraging to keep going. As I muster the strength to keep going, my master continues to walk beside me – never leaving me alone. When I start to leave the path, He is there to guide me back to safety, if I will listen and obey. His gentle words of love and support help me keep moving.
At the end of the day, I humbly bow before him to take the load for a while. Through His everlasting grace and mercy, the load is lifted. I am so grateful for His strength and love. Without His tender mercies I know I would not be able to overcome. His merciful arms lift and carry me always.
Bishop VanWagner also explained how each camel has a different load that can be deceiving. Just like the camels, I believe everyone has their own loads or trials to bear. Each is different in their size, but comparable in the treasures they hold. I am learning how important trials are for discovering who I am and uncovering life’s treasures. Challenges are definitely blessings in disguise.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Treasures of LIfe
It has been a fun weekend with Nelson and family. I admit it was a very anxious leap of faith to leave the Center for so long. Kind of funny to think that I was so scared to go there, but now I am so scared to come home. I guess it is kind of like what a missionary feels. I am so grateful for the challenges that I have that will make it easier when I come home for good.
My friend Cindy wrote a letter with something that uplifted me. She was dissecting the song "Daughter of a King" by Hilary Weeks. One line read, "He has always known what He created you to be." She said, "He is patient as we go through the process the know that for ourselves- and really, even with detours, we can take what we learn from the less than perfect circumstances we find ourselves in on the journey and enhance and add dimension to what He created us to be. No experience or choices nee be wasted, everything we experience here can increase the depth of our character."
These were helpful words to confirm my thoughts that life's experiences are great stepping stones. They are growth oppotunities that provide a way to build relationships and understand love.
Another learning experience occurred when I was reading step 11 in my Twelve Step book. The 11th step is on using prayer and meditation to heal. One of the prayers it gave an example of said, "For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life." The last statement was powerful to read. While suffering in my eating disorder I felt like I died because I had lost who I was and where I was going. Everything seemed gloomy. Now as I have begun my recovery I am "awakened" to joy that can be found in life. Life is full of possibilities and treasures to be found.
My friend Cindy wrote a letter with something that uplifted me. She was dissecting the song "Daughter of a King" by Hilary Weeks. One line read, "He has always known what He created you to be." She said, "He is patient as we go through the process the know that for ourselves- and really, even with detours, we can take what we learn from the less than perfect circumstances we find ourselves in on the journey and enhance and add dimension to what He created us to be. No experience or choices nee be wasted, everything we experience here can increase the depth of our character."
These were helpful words to confirm my thoughts that life's experiences are great stepping stones. They are growth oppotunities that provide a way to build relationships and understand love.
Another learning experience occurred when I was reading step 11 in my Twelve Step book. The 11th step is on using prayer and meditation to heal. One of the prayers it gave an example of said, "For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life." The last statement was powerful to read. While suffering in my eating disorder I felt like I died because I had lost who I was and where I was going. Everything seemed gloomy. Now as I have begun my recovery I am "awakened" to joy that can be found in life. Life is full of possibilities and treasures to be found.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Mirror, Mirror
Today for the outing we went rock climbing. In my eating disorder I didn’t have the strength or desire to do this which was something I enjoyed before. As I was rock climbing sometimes it became too difficult to reach the top. My mind felt bad that I didn’t get to the top because of the desire to be perfect. However, once I got to the bottom and looked at how far I got it was farther than I thought while looking down disappointingly on the wall.
This can be compared to my process of recovery. It was hard to believe and see the changes I am making each day. Sometimes I look back at where I was when I came in to where I am now and can recognize some growth. I am scared to look in the mirror because I don’t know if I’ll recognize myself anymore. However, with time I’ll be able to do it. I just have to have faith in who I have become instead of fearing the mirror.
Tomorrow I am teaching a lesson in spirituality about identifying your true self through the eyes of your higher power. As I was working on it I wrote this
poem:
Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . .
Who am I?
Where am I going?
Am I lovable and of worth?
In front of the mirror my eyes are lost
Searching to find my true identity,
The beauty within,
Self-acceptance
My dark monster covered my eyes of
My personality, passions, principles, purpose
Constant destructive expressions:
Broken, unlovable, worthless
The demon begins to leave as I trust the light in my eyes
My eyes lead in a hopeful direction
A new perspective:
Stumbling blocks become stepping stones
Mirror, who am I?
I am kind and compassionate,
Courageous and determined,
Accepting and Loving
I am a designer of my passions that
Mold my purpose,
Define my character,
Bring treasures of happiness
I am a daughter of God who loves me.
I believe in His eternal love and grace
He lifts me, comforts me, protects me
He is my anchor
I am a wife, daughter, sister, and friend
An author of my destiny of joy, hope, and peace
Mirror, in you I choose to see my power and self-worth
A daughter of God
Monday, March 8, 2010
Becky's News
Dear Family,
Yesterday was a slower day at the Center with some nice visits from Melissa and Nelson. Melissa, Elise, and Jen came in the afternoon and shared some funny vacation stories. Michelle (my roommate) overheard it and made me tell it to her and Eliza at bedtime. They laughed at me and wanted me to do that at the center. I told them it wouldn’t happen.
I was able to go to a cooking class for lunch today with 5 other patients. We made the lunch together and then ate it. We made grilled Panini’s, fresh fruit salad, and homemade cookies. This was the first time I have really cooked anything since coming to the center. It was nerve racking at first with a new experience. A patient Eloise helped me make the cookies. She is in her upper 50s and is one of the sweetest people I have ever met. She made me feel so comfortable as she shared stories of making cookies for her grandkids. As we ate lunch, it made me excited to be able to go home and eat dinner with Nelson. Instead of worry about all the rules I have to follow in the dining room (hands on the table all the time, rotate what you eat, eat 100% even the crumbs, don't break your food, etc) I could just enjoy the meal.
Yesterday was a slower day at the Center with some nice visits from Melissa and Nelson. Melissa, Elise, and Jen came in the afternoon and shared some funny vacation stories. Michelle (my roommate) overheard it and made me tell it to her and Eliza at bedtime. They laughed at me and wanted me to do that at the center. I told them it wouldn’t happen.
I was able to go to a cooking class for lunch today with 5 other patients. We made the lunch together and then ate it. We made grilled Panini’s, fresh fruit salad, and homemade cookies. This was the first time I have really cooked anything since coming to the center. It was nerve racking at first with a new experience. A patient Eloise helped me make the cookies. She is in her upper 50s and is one of the sweetest people I have ever met. She made me feel so comfortable as she shared stories of making cookies for her grandkids. As we ate lunch, it made me excited to be able to go home and eat dinner with Nelson. Instead of worry about all the rules I have to follow in the dining room (hands on the table all the time, rotate what you eat, eat 100% even the crumbs, don't break your food, etc) I could just enjoy the meal.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Quiet Sunday News
March 7, 2010
Dear Family,
How is everyone doing? What exciting adventures have you all had over the weekend? Anyone have any exciting news to share? What are you looking forward to this week? Thank you for all your visits, emails, love, and prayers. They are so comforting and strengthening.
Life continues to be busy at the Center for Change. I like it that way because my mind doesn’t have a lot of time to wander to unwanted places. RTC has a little more free time than inpatient on some days, so I try to keep busy with assignments that I need to do.
I went to my first “Creative Living” class on Thursday. We painted flower pots and learned how to crochet flower headbands. Have you seen them? I think they are really cute. I liked learning how to crochet again. I think mom taught me a little in high school to do border around a blanket. My flowers for some reason only ended up with 4 pedals when it was supposed to have 5. I guess I need to keep practicing next week.
Nelson came down for a date night on Friday. It was fun to spend some time with him. He is a real trooper to come down so often to be with me. It is always one of my favorite times of the week.
Mom, Dad, Melissa, Jeff, and Will picked me up on Saturday for a few hours. I went to the mall with them to find some new clothes. Melissa and Mom were a great help to tackling a very anxious goal. I enjoyed spending time with them.
We went to the BYU volleyball game last night for the outing. They are ranked 4th and played Perideine that is ranked 1st. The Cougars lost, but they played hard. It was interesting to be at BYU again. It brought back a lot of memories with roommates and siblings. I treasure the memories I have there.
Today for psycho education we talked about the blessings of hardships in our lives. Trials and tribulations are important experiences in life. They are difficult and hard to overcome, and important to the creation of who I am. Hardships give me an opportunity to draw closer, shaped my character to reach my potential, and define my purpose. I believe they bring more blessings than I could otherwise receive without these experiences. I am so grateful for the many blessings I have, am, and will receive through this challenge I am facing. I am aware of the great love my father in heaven has for me.
I am looking forward to going to Courage Reins again this week and rock climbing for our outing on Wednesday. I’ll let you know how it goes this week. I love you all so much.
Always, Becky
Dear Family,
How is everyone doing? What exciting adventures have you all had over the weekend? Anyone have any exciting news to share? What are you looking forward to this week? Thank you for all your visits, emails, love, and prayers. They are so comforting and strengthening.
Life continues to be busy at the Center for Change. I like it that way because my mind doesn’t have a lot of time to wander to unwanted places. RTC has a little more free time than inpatient on some days, so I try to keep busy with assignments that I need to do.
I went to my first “Creative Living” class on Thursday. We painted flower pots and learned how to crochet flower headbands. Have you seen them? I think they are really cute. I liked learning how to crochet again. I think mom taught me a little in high school to do border around a blanket. My flowers for some reason only ended up with 4 pedals when it was supposed to have 5. I guess I need to keep practicing next week.
Nelson came down for a date night on Friday. It was fun to spend some time with him. He is a real trooper to come down so often to be with me. It is always one of my favorite times of the week.
Mom, Dad, Melissa, Jeff, and Will picked me up on Saturday for a few hours. I went to the mall with them to find some new clothes. Melissa and Mom were a great help to tackling a very anxious goal. I enjoyed spending time with them.
We went to the BYU volleyball game last night for the outing. They are ranked 4th and played Perideine that is ranked 1st. The Cougars lost, but they played hard. It was interesting to be at BYU again. It brought back a lot of memories with roommates and siblings. I treasure the memories I have there.
Today for psycho education we talked about the blessings of hardships in our lives. Trials and tribulations are important experiences in life. They are difficult and hard to overcome, and important to the creation of who I am. Hardships give me an opportunity to draw closer, shaped my character to reach my potential, and define my purpose. I believe they bring more blessings than I could otherwise receive without these experiences. I am so grateful for the many blessings I have, am, and will receive through this challenge I am facing. I am aware of the great love my father in heaven has for me.
I am looking forward to going to Courage Reins again this week and rock climbing for our outing on Wednesday. I’ll let you know how it goes this week. I love you all so much.
Always, Becky
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Exciting News From Becky
Dear Family,
It has been my first full week on RTC, so I have begun some new classes. Some of the new classes include self-esteem, Zumba, ceremonial group, honesty and awareness, RAD, and creative living. The focus of RTC is to help you discover more of yourself and move away from your eating disorder while pursuing new and old passions.
Another opportunity you can apply for on RTC is to volunteer at a horse therapy camp called Courage Reins. I was luckily approved to go. During this time we work with toddlers with mental, physical, speech, and sensory disabilities. Each child was working on balancing on the horse, telling the horse to stop and go with words and sign language, and uses their senses. They are darling, especially their sweet smiles and high fives!
I worked with a boy named Cameron first. His goal for the day was to say stop and go and hold on the reins. At first he wouldn’t even touch the reins, but gradually started to build his trust. He began holding on with one hand and then by the end held on with both hands. It was really neat to see his progress in just a short amount of time. This is one of the biggest reasons why I love teaching. I love watching my students grow and change right before my eyes.
Seeing the changes in the children made me think of the changes in myself. I realize my family and treatment team can see visibly see the changes I have made in recovery. However, right now I am struggling to look in the mirror at my own reflection. It is sad to say, but I am afraid of not knowing who I am looking at. Even though I have fears of looking in the mirror, I can feel differences inside of me. In the depths of my eating disorder, my mind was heavy and filled with darkness. It now feels lighter which makes it easier to concentrate, think, and see the world around me in a more positive light. I have also found the muscles in my face are turned to smiling more – making life a little brighter.
In fact the other night, Michelle and I were talking and laughing about something silly. As we were lying there in the dark there was a buzzing sound coming from the heater. We were laughing at little, silly jokes of how the sound was a monster of all the silly things we are afraid off. We were really tired, so our jokes seemed even funnier. I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt. All of the sudden I stopped and said, “I think this is the first time I have really laughed this hard in a long time.” Sometimes these experiences and others make me feel like a little kid again, experiencing life in new ways.
On Tuesday, the theme for Nia was being a “Diva.” We danced to the music of Celine Dion. It brought back a lot of memories of Jeff listening to her. The instructor, Andrea, is amazing. She makes everyone feel so comfortable to express themselves without any judgment. Through this class, I am finding a renewed sense of the power to express myself through music and dance. Until now, I did not understand how freeing it can be to express myself in this way. I also have developed a greater sense of my appreciation for the power of my body. I am finding joy in the renewed sense of energy to move.
On Wednesday, we went cross country skiing again for our outing. It was a beautiful day in the mountains with the sun shining. I loved feeling the warmth of the sun’s rays. This is the second time I’ve had the opportunity to go, so I found it a little easier. I was even able to go down the hills without falling.
As we processed I said how going a second time was easier and just as entertaining, if not more, than the first time. I related this to my life. Sometimes the first part of a new experience or challenge is difficult, but with time it becomes easier. Also, it is important to give experiences, people, and yourself a second chance. I am seeking to be my best self instead of perfection, which means I deserve second chances.
Today I applied for phase 3 in front of the treatment team. I had to read some journal responses to express why I felt I was ready to move forward in the program. It was a nerve racking to present in front of a bunch of therapists and dieticians, but I passed. Some of the new privileges of phase 3 include: email 3 times a week, Ipod time, mail when it arrives, 5 phone calls a week, and a key to my bedroom. I also will be able to come home on an overnight pass on a Friday or Saturday night. This will help in adjusting to moving back home.
I am so grateful for all your love, support and prayers. I pray for you all each day and night. I miss you lots. I love you!
Always,
Becky
It has been my first full week on RTC, so I have begun some new classes. Some of the new classes include self-esteem, Zumba, ceremonial group, honesty and awareness, RAD, and creative living. The focus of RTC is to help you discover more of yourself and move away from your eating disorder while pursuing new and old passions.
Another opportunity you can apply for on RTC is to volunteer at a horse therapy camp called Courage Reins. I was luckily approved to go. During this time we work with toddlers with mental, physical, speech, and sensory disabilities. Each child was working on balancing on the horse, telling the horse to stop and go with words and sign language, and uses their senses. They are darling, especially their sweet smiles and high fives!
I worked with a boy named Cameron first. His goal for the day was to say stop and go and hold on the reins. At first he wouldn’t even touch the reins, but gradually started to build his trust. He began holding on with one hand and then by the end held on with both hands. It was really neat to see his progress in just a short amount of time. This is one of the biggest reasons why I love teaching. I love watching my students grow and change right before my eyes.
Seeing the changes in the children made me think of the changes in myself. I realize my family and treatment team can see visibly see the changes I have made in recovery. However, right now I am struggling to look in the mirror at my own reflection. It is sad to say, but I am afraid of not knowing who I am looking at. Even though I have fears of looking in the mirror, I can feel differences inside of me. In the depths of my eating disorder, my mind was heavy and filled with darkness. It now feels lighter which makes it easier to concentrate, think, and see the world around me in a more positive light. I have also found the muscles in my face are turned to smiling more – making life a little brighter.
In fact the other night, Michelle and I were talking and laughing about something silly. As we were lying there in the dark there was a buzzing sound coming from the heater. We were laughing at little, silly jokes of how the sound was a monster of all the silly things we are afraid off. We were really tired, so our jokes seemed even funnier. I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt. All of the sudden I stopped and said, “I think this is the first time I have really laughed this hard in a long time.” Sometimes these experiences and others make me feel like a little kid again, experiencing life in new ways.
On Tuesday, the theme for Nia was being a “Diva.” We danced to the music of Celine Dion. It brought back a lot of memories of Jeff listening to her. The instructor, Andrea, is amazing. She makes everyone feel so comfortable to express themselves without any judgment. Through this class, I am finding a renewed sense of the power to express myself through music and dance. Until now, I did not understand how freeing it can be to express myself in this way. I also have developed a greater sense of my appreciation for the power of my body. I am finding joy in the renewed sense of energy to move.
On Wednesday, we went cross country skiing again for our outing. It was a beautiful day in the mountains with the sun shining. I loved feeling the warmth of the sun’s rays. This is the second time I’ve had the opportunity to go, so I found it a little easier. I was even able to go down the hills without falling.
As we processed I said how going a second time was easier and just as entertaining, if not more, than the first time. I related this to my life. Sometimes the first part of a new experience or challenge is difficult, but with time it becomes easier. Also, it is important to give experiences, people, and yourself a second chance. I am seeking to be my best self instead of perfection, which means I deserve second chances.
Today I applied for phase 3 in front of the treatment team. I had to read some journal responses to express why I felt I was ready to move forward in the program. It was a nerve racking to present in front of a bunch of therapists and dieticians, but I passed. Some of the new privileges of phase 3 include: email 3 times a week, Ipod time, mail when it arrives, 5 phone calls a week, and a key to my bedroom. I also will be able to come home on an overnight pass on a Friday or Saturday night. This will help in adjusting to moving back home.
I am so grateful for all your love, support and prayers. I pray for you all each day and night. I miss you lots. I love you!
Always,
Becky
Monday, March 1, 2010
Sweet Note From Becky
Dear Family,
Over the past few days I have had an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for the tender mercies I have received to come to the CFC and while I have been here. Looking back, I can definitely recognize providence in the time I came, the therapist I have, the patients around me, and the many people who are helping me. It is amazing to think of all the hands that are helping me each day. I am so grateful for the care in helping me become myself again.
I feel very lucky for all the people I have to help me: Dr. Julie, Torey, care techs, and more. I feel especially lucky to be one of the directors patients. They have helped me in so many ways, some of which they may not even be aware of. They will always be people I remember that helped me at a difficult time in my life, including all of you. Thank you for helping me along my journey of recovery.
I appreciate the genuine kindness, care, and concern of the people here. They are always there to help me: a silent cheerleader in the dining room, an anchor of support, outspoken encourager, and most of all - friendship. On really hard days, I found relief in knowing my cheerleaders are there to comfort me and help me continue to push forward. Whether taking small or big steps, they help me to see it is progress.
I appreciate the way you and my treatment team have helped me find my “Becky voice.” Through the different activities and theraputic approaches I am beginning to find myself again. I don't know when I will exactly get to come home, but I know I will be guided to the right time with the help of my treatment team. I am extremely grateful for your patience during my recovery process. I feel selfish being here and hope in some ways I am able to help all of you.
I am officially on RTC this week, so new experiences are coming my way. Some of the new classes include RAD (rape definese course), Zomba dancing, Courage Reins, creative living, and self-esteem. I am looking forward to going to Courage Reins tomorrow to work with the children with autism. I have really missed working with my students. They are one of my joys in my life. I will keep you posted on my new exciting experiences.
I miss all of you and look forward to visits, emails, and hugs each day and weekend. I hope to hear from you all soon.
Lots of love,
Becky
Over the past few days I have had an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for the tender mercies I have received to come to the CFC and while I have been here. Looking back, I can definitely recognize providence in the time I came, the therapist I have, the patients around me, and the many people who are helping me. It is amazing to think of all the hands that are helping me each day. I am so grateful for the care in helping me become myself again.
I feel very lucky for all the people I have to help me: Dr. Julie, Torey, care techs, and more. I feel especially lucky to be one of the directors patients. They have helped me in so many ways, some of which they may not even be aware of. They will always be people I remember that helped me at a difficult time in my life, including all of you. Thank you for helping me along my journey of recovery.
I appreciate the genuine kindness, care, and concern of the people here. They are always there to help me: a silent cheerleader in the dining room, an anchor of support, outspoken encourager, and most of all - friendship. On really hard days, I found relief in knowing my cheerleaders are there to comfort me and help me continue to push forward. Whether taking small or big steps, they help me to see it is progress.
I appreciate the way you and my treatment team have helped me find my “Becky voice.” Through the different activities and theraputic approaches I am beginning to find myself again. I don't know when I will exactly get to come home, but I know I will be guided to the right time with the help of my treatment team. I am extremely grateful for your patience during my recovery process. I feel selfish being here and hope in some ways I am able to help all of you.
I am officially on RTC this week, so new experiences are coming my way. Some of the new classes include RAD (rape definese course), Zomba dancing, Courage Reins, creative living, and self-esteem. I am looking forward to going to Courage Reins tomorrow to work with the children with autism. I have really missed working with my students. They are one of my joys in my life. I will keep you posted on my new exciting experiences.
I miss all of you and look forward to visits, emails, and hugs each day and weekend. I hope to hear from you all soon.
Lots of love,
Becky
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