Becky's Journal

January 21, 2010

I learned some new things in 12 step group today. The theme was on surrendering your will. To being the group, we were asked to make a clenched fist to symbolize a resiliency to give up your eating disorder. As I clenched my fist I felt tight and on my own. Then as I let go and released, my arm felt free and loose. This activity can be related to surrendering my will and trust to my Savior and those helping me in my recovery process. Opening my hand can symbolize my need to reach upward to my Savior and outward to those at the Center, Nelson, and my family. Surrendering I realized is not giving up, but an action that brings strength-an empowering.

After this activity we did a partner drawing. One partner closed their eyes and held the marker and the other partner led their hands to make a picture. As the blinded drawer, it was hard to surrender my desire to see and help create the picture. I had to trust my partner to use their abilities to create the end picture they had in their minds. This is kind of like what I am feeling now. I know that my Savior and those on the treatment team can see my potential. I am afraid of the end result because of the unknown. Right now I am struggling seeing who I am now and who I can become. It is definitely an active process to surrender my will to others because I relaly want to know how it will end.

When I acted as the seeing guiding drawer, I had to encourage my blindfolded partner to trust me. This is true of my Savior-He is encouraging to "let go" and "trust in Him." I also realized that as I helped my blindfolded partner, I had the mind set that mistakes would be made and my picture wouldn't be perfect. My intent was not to make a perfect picture, but a whole and complete picture. I believe this is like the Savior in that He is not trying to make a perfect picture, but one that is whole and complete. We will make mistakes along the way, but that is part of the learning process. I was grateful for this learning experience and seeing the power of surrendering.