January 16th Journal

Becky wrote this as a therapy solo:

In the process of recovery from my eating disorder, I am searching to find out who I am. Slowly and quietly, my eating disorder captured my sense of who I am, including my passions, dreams, and heart's desire.

In the midst of confusion, I know I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me. His love is everlasting and eternal. Each day I am recognizing more of His gifts of love.

One of His gifts of His love is my body. I am learning how powerful this gift is. In Ether 3:14-16 it states how "all men were created in the beginning after mine own image." The gift of the body is a reminder of who I am and what I can become-a queen in my Heavenly Father's kingdom. I am created after His spirit. His spirit is perfect and full of love. My body is a gift of His spirit and should be thought of and treated with what and who it was given with-love. I am learning to believe that because I am created after His image I am something of worth and beautiful.

I believe Satan understands the power of the body and envies it. In the Bible Dictionary it states: "Since the devil and his premortal angels have no physical body of flesh and bones, they often seek to possess the bodies of mortal beings." I believe my eating disorder is one of his angels trying to deceive me of seeing, recognizing, and believing my worth as a daughter of God. He wants me to be miserable like he is and lose the power of love of the body. He blinds me to believe I am unlovable, broken, and a disappointment. Now that I recognize this I seeking to defy him and believe in myself.

I want to change and find myself and reach my potential. I want to feel happy about and love my body the way Heavenly Father does. The scriptures describe the body as a temple. I want to treat is as a temple-a place of a beauty, peace, and love. A temple brings feelings of self worth in remembering eternal covenants and blessings. The temple is a place to become more complete and whole, not perfect, but more complete and whole.

Part of my body is my spirit. I am discovering that my spirit is sensitive to emotions. My eating disorder manipulated my emotions to create and believe negative emotions. I want to use my sensitive emotions as a positive power in my life. The sensitive emotions of compassion, love, kindness, and charity can be a power to serve and uplift others. Turning into my sensitive emotions I hope to develop charity for myself and others. As I do this I feel the negative emotions will disappear and transform and help me to reach my potential by the power of love.

I know this journey of life is a ongoing process of change by love. I know I won't have to go through this alone. Heavenly Father has blessed me with a Savior who understands all. Through the Atonement the Savior suffered for all the pains, temptations, and sicknesses I will face. He is able to understand all. He is my anchor of strength and love. He sees what I can become. It is a process of refinement formed by hands of love. With His gentle love and grace I will be able to become the image He sees I can become.