My Family Ammends

Dear Family,

I just wanted to write a letter to you to apologize for the ways I have hurt you all, explain some of my feelings, and express my new commitments. You all mean so much to me and I love you more than words can say. I never meant to intentionally hurt you. As I have been at the Center for Change I have felt a greater love for all of you. I pray for you all many times a day that the Lord will watch over you and let you know how much I love and miss you. In my prayers I also express my gratitude for you enduring love, support, and prayers. There have been countless moments that I have felt an empowering from your prayers, letters, visits, and phone calls. Thank you! You are all helping learn how to love and to be loved.

At this point in my recovery I recognize the difference in who I am and my eating disorder. I take ownership for my eating disorder and the actions it influenced me to do. I am seeking forgiveness from myself and others to move forward. I want to take ownership of my life without my eating disorder. I am committed to strengthening myself, establishing stronger relationships with you, and using better communication skills.

I wanted to express first some of the feelings I have had because of my eating disorder to help you understand and begin to answer your question “why” I have an eating disorder. Every eating disorder is caused by a variety of factors, some of which I am still exploring. There are some commonalities between all eating disorders, but each one begins for different reasons. It is hard to explain all of the feelings of my eating disorder. Like many personal internal feelings, it is hard to explain them to you without feeling it yourself. I hope you will take these expressions as they are written without jumping to any further conclusions. The leading feelings my eating disorder makes me feel is that I am broken, unlovable, and a disappointment. I feel I am never good enough - a good enough wife, daughter, granddaughter, sister, friend, or teacher. Thank you for being so patient with me and never getting or showing frustration with me. I love the ways you all express your support, care and love for me. Your kindness and friendship help me fight against my eating disorder. I’m striving to believe your words for myself to feel better about whom I am and can become.

It can be assumed that people with eating disorders engage in the behavior to draw attention or receive some kind of “reward.” I did not engage in my eating disorder to draw attention to myself, but rather it was a way to hide my imperfections and insecurities. Since I was broken and a disappointment, my negative mind led me to believe I should disappear to solve the problems. I did not want to receive any kind of “reward” for my behavior. I recognize mom and dad took more time to help me, making them less available for you all. This was not something I intentionally sought for, but grateful they were there to help and for your patience. Please do not think it was a way to draw any attention and take them away from you. I hope you can believe this and forgive me for it.

After experiencing some big and traumatic events in my life, (Nelson’s bipolar diagnosis, adjusting to marriage, Grandpa’s passing, and a false diagnosis of pancreatitis) I found myself falling into a dark place of fears of inadequacy and uncertainty. I was afraid of not being my best, getting sick again, and falling short. My negative mind continually tore me to believe I was only good enough if I was perfect. It then convinced me to believe that I was more than not good enough, I was broken. I felt every mistake I made meant I wasn’t good enough, especially my eating disorder. Since I was not good enough, I felt undeserving of things that made me happy and healthy, including time with those I love and myself. It was a way to hide and isolate. I realize now that it is important to take care of myself first in order to best care for others.

In my road of recovery I am striving to find and accept my true self. Many of your expressions of love and support are helping me to see who I am. The letters and emails I receive of encouragement are worth so much to me. Right now I feel a little lost of who I am, but have faith to be able to accept the things you express and I feel from my Heavenly Father. I am striving to become the best wife, daughter, sister, and friend you all deserve and I can be.

I am sorry for the way my eating disorder has strained my relationship with you individually and as a whole family. Through the eyes of my eating disorder darkness covered my eyes to believe I was broken and unlovable. I felt since I had allowed such a monster to come into my life, I was a disappointment to many of you. I also believe you were mad at me for having an eating disorder and for the effects it caused in our family. I wanted to hide the darkness of the eating disorder from you so it would not hurt you. In an effort to protect you from the demon of my eating disorder, I feel I actually hurt you even more. Instead of sharing my feelings, emotions, and struggles I pushed them away. It was never my intention to hurt you, but protect you.
I am committed and excited to redevelop personal relationships with all of you. Through our interactions and your help, I know I will be able to find myself even more. I am excited to explore new passions with you that will be a source of emotional release, enjoyment, and togetherness. These things may include sister’s night out, craft night, movies, travel adventures, game nights, double dates, FHE, and just simply time together. I have missed being there with you laughing and having fun. I hope to be able to use my “Becky voice” with the nieces and nephews and be silly with them. This sweet saying of Ben and Kaleb reminds me each day that even the smallest eyes believe I am important and loved. I am sorry for the way I hurt them and was not the best example for them. I am committed to being a better aunt, cheerleader, friend, and example to them.

I am working to discover myself again, including my passions, purpose, and principles. Through my recovery I am realizing that life is a journey of changing and growing in which we are to experience joy along the way. Happiness is not a destination, but a pathway to follow. I am learning life is full of challenges that I need to overcome. These obstacles are stepping stones to reaching my potential. I find comfort in knowing I am not alone, but you are all there with me to cheer me on and help me. I hope you know that I am here for you to help and support in any way. As the youngest, I feel I am so lucky and blessed to have such amazing siblings and parents to show me the way. I am grateful for the experiences I have had and will have in life to help me draw closer to you and my Heavenly Father. I am empowered by the strength and love of my family. The family is definitely a powerful unit. I love you!

Always and Forever,
Becky