Journal

Surrendering for Deliverance

I began the Book of Mormon again when I admitted to the Center for Change. It seems each time you read through it certain themes and words are more prominent and comforting to the soul based on your current life's experiences. As I have been reading through this time my heart has been struck by the words "deliver" and "deliverance."

The darkness my eating disorder casts on my mind and heart makes my souls ache for a source of freedom, comfort, and light. When my eating disorder is strongly controlling my mind, I feel lost in a midst of fear, loneliness, and sadness. My soul desperately seeks a place of freedom. Sometimes I feel like a small child reaching up for someone to help me escape.

I am working hard to escape my evil eating disorder. I want to cast away its dark shadow and find my light. As I began my battle of recovery I tried to do it alone, ashamed of the evil I had let inside. Questions swarm my mind why I could let something so evil entrap my soul. Now as I continue my journey of recovery I am learning to surrender and find deliverance.

Surrendering is an active process of change and growth. I am learning to let go of all control, so I can escape totally from my eating disorder. I have committed to trust my treatment team, Nelson, my family, and my Savior to guide in the direction of light and truth. My eating disorder speaks against truth with distortions. These false ideas include: I am broken, unlovable, and a disappointment. I am actively surrendering my faith, trust and will to others. I am striving to become a better me for today, tomorrow, and forever trusting patiently in my God.

The power of deliverance works according to the action of surrendering. In the scriptures there are many examples of the Lord delivering. My favorite is in Mosiah 24:14-15. Alma and his followers are delivered from Amulon. In verse 15, it reads, "And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light, yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." The power of deliverance is merciful come with faith, patience, and trust in God and others. I know they can see who I am more accurately and will lead me to a place where I can become myself again.

I am reaching and grasping my Savior's loving hands to help me believe, see, and know who I am-that I am of worth and lovable. Each day I pray for strength to follow His will, trust in Him and those caring for me, and having faith in myself.

I know I am never alone, but God is by my side lifting and delivering me to light and safety. Whenever I feel lost and afraid I strive to keep faith in His love. Each time I ask He reaches down to life me to safety. I am so grateful for His loving and merciful hands of deliverance.