How is everyone doing? I have appreciated all your emails and encouragement. Finding an email at the end of the day always brightens my day. I look forward to reading them.
Today is my last day on inpatient classes. I tried to phase today, but need to wait for my dietary goal. I am definitely practicing patience as I am not in control of this aspect of timing. I am enjoying and looking forward to the new classes on RTC including wholistic, self-improvement, courage reins, and RAD. I'll keep you posted on what I am learning.
I hope all is well for you and pray for you each day. I attached a recent assignment I did on my spirituality. Thanks for a fun weekend last week. I enjoyed seeing you all. We'll have to do it again.
I love you,
Becky
I believe I am a daughter of God who loves and cares for me. His love is enduring and everlasting. Regardless of what I do and the mistakes I make I know my Heavenly Father will always love me. He is my anchor. My Savior is always there for me. I know He sent His son to atone for me. Through the power of the atonement I know the Savior is able to succor my pains, sorrows, and afflictions. When I feel no one else will understand, I know He does. He is always there for me and blesses me with His grace each day.
Grace is a witness of God’s divine love for me and all His children. In the mist of the storms of life, God’s hands empower, lift, and rescue me. These experiences are there to help shape and mold me into the daughter my Savior sees I can become. His loving, merciful arms will not take away the challenges, but He is there to reach out and help me find higher ground, embrace me with love, and comfort my pain. Grace is found in God’s daily tender mercies of empowerment and love. My Savior is my comforter, redeemer, and rescuer.
I find comfort in knowing I am not alone, but my eternal companion and family are there with me to cheer me on and help me. I have a testimony of temple blessings and eternal families. Families are the central unit of the gospel. A family is a unit of power that Heavenly Father works to send blessings of comfort and strength. My family helps me move forward with their love. God’s hands and my loved ones hands are reaching out to give me grace and power to move forward. Their expressions of love help me to find myself and keep moving forward.
Life is a journey of challenges and blessings. I grateful for trials and believe they are blessings in disguise. Trials provide opportunities to experience God’s grace that empowers me to draw closer to Him and become my true self.
I believe happiness is not a destination, but a pathway to follow. I am learning life is full of challenges that I need to overcome. Life is a journey of changing and growing in which we are to experience joy along the way. These obstacles are stepping stones to reaching my potential. I am seeking to find joy in the journey and see myself as He does.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
My Family Ammends
Dear Family,
I just wanted to write a letter to you to apologize for the ways I have hurt you all, explain some of my feelings, and express my new commitments. You all mean so much to me and I love you more than words can say. I never meant to intentionally hurt you. As I have been at the Center for Change I have felt a greater love for all of you. I pray for you all many times a day that the Lord will watch over you and let you know how much I love and miss you. In my prayers I also express my gratitude for you enduring love, support, and prayers. There have been countless moments that I have felt an empowering from your prayers, letters, visits, and phone calls. Thank you! You are all helping learn how to love and to be loved.
At this point in my recovery I recognize the difference in who I am and my eating disorder. I take ownership for my eating disorder and the actions it influenced me to do. I am seeking forgiveness from myself and others to move forward. I want to take ownership of my life without my eating disorder. I am committed to strengthening myself, establishing stronger relationships with you, and using better communication skills.
I wanted to express first some of the feelings I have had because of my eating disorder to help you understand and begin to answer your question “why” I have an eating disorder. Every eating disorder is caused by a variety of factors, some of which I am still exploring. There are some commonalities between all eating disorders, but each one begins for different reasons. It is hard to explain all of the feelings of my eating disorder. Like many personal internal feelings, it is hard to explain them to you without feeling it yourself. I hope you will take these expressions as they are written without jumping to any further conclusions. The leading feelings my eating disorder makes me feel is that I am broken, unlovable, and a disappointment. I feel I am never good enough - a good enough wife, daughter, granddaughter, sister, friend, or teacher. Thank you for being so patient with me and never getting or showing frustration with me. I love the ways you all express your support, care and love for me. Your kindness and friendship help me fight against my eating disorder. I’m striving to believe your words for myself to feel better about whom I am and can become.
It can be assumed that people with eating disorders engage in the behavior to draw attention or receive some kind of “reward.” I did not engage in my eating disorder to draw attention to myself, but rather it was a way to hide my imperfections and insecurities. Since I was broken and a disappointment, my negative mind led me to believe I should disappear to solve the problems. I did not want to receive any kind of “reward” for my behavior. I recognize mom and dad took more time to help me, making them less available for you all. This was not something I intentionally sought for, but grateful they were there to help and for your patience. Please do not think it was a way to draw any attention and take them away from you. I hope you can believe this and forgive me for it.
After experiencing some big and traumatic events in my life, (Nelson’s bipolar diagnosis, adjusting to marriage, Grandpa’s passing, and a false diagnosis of pancreatitis) I found myself falling into a dark place of fears of inadequacy and uncertainty. I was afraid of not being my best, getting sick again, and falling short. My negative mind continually tore me to believe I was only good enough if I was perfect. It then convinced me to believe that I was more than not good enough, I was broken. I felt every mistake I made meant I wasn’t good enough, especially my eating disorder. Since I was not good enough, I felt undeserving of things that made me happy and healthy, including time with those I love and myself. It was a way to hide and isolate. I realize now that it is important to take care of myself first in order to best care for others.
In my road of recovery I am striving to find and accept my true self. Many of your expressions of love and support are helping me to see who I am. The letters and emails I receive of encouragement are worth so much to me. Right now I feel a little lost of who I am, but have faith to be able to accept the things you express and I feel from my Heavenly Father. I am striving to become the best wife, daughter, sister, and friend you all deserve and I can be.
I am sorry for the way my eating disorder has strained my relationship with you individually and as a whole family. Through the eyes of my eating disorder darkness covered my eyes to believe I was broken and unlovable. I felt since I had allowed such a monster to come into my life, I was a disappointment to many of you. I also believe you were mad at me for having an eating disorder and for the effects it caused in our family. I wanted to hide the darkness of the eating disorder from you so it would not hurt you. In an effort to protect you from the demon of my eating disorder, I feel I actually hurt you even more. Instead of sharing my feelings, emotions, and struggles I pushed them away. It was never my intention to hurt you, but protect you.
I am committed and excited to redevelop personal relationships with all of you. Through our interactions and your help, I know I will be able to find myself even more. I am excited to explore new passions with you that will be a source of emotional release, enjoyment, and togetherness. These things may include sister’s night out, craft night, movies, travel adventures, game nights, double dates, FHE, and just simply time together. I have missed being there with you laughing and having fun. I hope to be able to use my “Becky voice” with the nieces and nephews and be silly with them. This sweet saying of Ben and Kaleb reminds me each day that even the smallest eyes believe I am important and loved. I am sorry for the way I hurt them and was not the best example for them. I am committed to being a better aunt, cheerleader, friend, and example to them.
I am working to discover myself again, including my passions, purpose, and principles. Through my recovery I am realizing that life is a journey of changing and growing in which we are to experience joy along the way. Happiness is not a destination, but a pathway to follow. I am learning life is full of challenges that I need to overcome. These obstacles are stepping stones to reaching my potential. I find comfort in knowing I am not alone, but you are all there with me to cheer me on and help me. I hope you know that I am here for you to help and support in any way. As the youngest, I feel I am so lucky and blessed to have such amazing siblings and parents to show me the way. I am grateful for the experiences I have had and will have in life to help me draw closer to you and my Heavenly Father. I am empowered by the strength and love of my family. The family is definitely a powerful unit. I love you!
Always and Forever,
Becky
I just wanted to write a letter to you to apologize for the ways I have hurt you all, explain some of my feelings, and express my new commitments. You all mean so much to me and I love you more than words can say. I never meant to intentionally hurt you. As I have been at the Center for Change I have felt a greater love for all of you. I pray for you all many times a day that the Lord will watch over you and let you know how much I love and miss you. In my prayers I also express my gratitude for you enduring love, support, and prayers. There have been countless moments that I have felt an empowering from your prayers, letters, visits, and phone calls. Thank you! You are all helping learn how to love and to be loved.
At this point in my recovery I recognize the difference in who I am and my eating disorder. I take ownership for my eating disorder and the actions it influenced me to do. I am seeking forgiveness from myself and others to move forward. I want to take ownership of my life without my eating disorder. I am committed to strengthening myself, establishing stronger relationships with you, and using better communication skills.
I wanted to express first some of the feelings I have had because of my eating disorder to help you understand and begin to answer your question “why” I have an eating disorder. Every eating disorder is caused by a variety of factors, some of which I am still exploring. There are some commonalities between all eating disorders, but each one begins for different reasons. It is hard to explain all of the feelings of my eating disorder. Like many personal internal feelings, it is hard to explain them to you without feeling it yourself. I hope you will take these expressions as they are written without jumping to any further conclusions. The leading feelings my eating disorder makes me feel is that I am broken, unlovable, and a disappointment. I feel I am never good enough - a good enough wife, daughter, granddaughter, sister, friend, or teacher. Thank you for being so patient with me and never getting or showing frustration with me. I love the ways you all express your support, care and love for me. Your kindness and friendship help me fight against my eating disorder. I’m striving to believe your words for myself to feel better about whom I am and can become.
It can be assumed that people with eating disorders engage in the behavior to draw attention or receive some kind of “reward.” I did not engage in my eating disorder to draw attention to myself, but rather it was a way to hide my imperfections and insecurities. Since I was broken and a disappointment, my negative mind led me to believe I should disappear to solve the problems. I did not want to receive any kind of “reward” for my behavior. I recognize mom and dad took more time to help me, making them less available for you all. This was not something I intentionally sought for, but grateful they were there to help and for your patience. Please do not think it was a way to draw any attention and take them away from you. I hope you can believe this and forgive me for it.
After experiencing some big and traumatic events in my life, (Nelson’s bipolar diagnosis, adjusting to marriage, Grandpa’s passing, and a false diagnosis of pancreatitis) I found myself falling into a dark place of fears of inadequacy and uncertainty. I was afraid of not being my best, getting sick again, and falling short. My negative mind continually tore me to believe I was only good enough if I was perfect. It then convinced me to believe that I was more than not good enough, I was broken. I felt every mistake I made meant I wasn’t good enough, especially my eating disorder. Since I was not good enough, I felt undeserving of things that made me happy and healthy, including time with those I love and myself. It was a way to hide and isolate. I realize now that it is important to take care of myself first in order to best care for others.
In my road of recovery I am striving to find and accept my true self. Many of your expressions of love and support are helping me to see who I am. The letters and emails I receive of encouragement are worth so much to me. Right now I feel a little lost of who I am, but have faith to be able to accept the things you express and I feel from my Heavenly Father. I am striving to become the best wife, daughter, sister, and friend you all deserve and I can be.
I am sorry for the way my eating disorder has strained my relationship with you individually and as a whole family. Through the eyes of my eating disorder darkness covered my eyes to believe I was broken and unlovable. I felt since I had allowed such a monster to come into my life, I was a disappointment to many of you. I also believe you were mad at me for having an eating disorder and for the effects it caused in our family. I wanted to hide the darkness of the eating disorder from you so it would not hurt you. In an effort to protect you from the demon of my eating disorder, I feel I actually hurt you even more. Instead of sharing my feelings, emotions, and struggles I pushed them away. It was never my intention to hurt you, but protect you.
I am committed and excited to redevelop personal relationships with all of you. Through our interactions and your help, I know I will be able to find myself even more. I am excited to explore new passions with you that will be a source of emotional release, enjoyment, and togetherness. These things may include sister’s night out, craft night, movies, travel adventures, game nights, double dates, FHE, and just simply time together. I have missed being there with you laughing and having fun. I hope to be able to use my “Becky voice” with the nieces and nephews and be silly with them. This sweet saying of Ben and Kaleb reminds me each day that even the smallest eyes believe I am important and loved. I am sorry for the way I hurt them and was not the best example for them. I am committed to being a better aunt, cheerleader, friend, and example to them.
I am working to discover myself again, including my passions, purpose, and principles. Through my recovery I am realizing that life is a journey of changing and growing in which we are to experience joy along the way. Happiness is not a destination, but a pathway to follow. I am learning life is full of challenges that I need to overcome. These obstacles are stepping stones to reaching my potential. I find comfort in knowing I am not alone, but you are all there with me to cheer me on and help me. I hope you know that I am here for you to help and support in any way. As the youngest, I feel I am so lucky and blessed to have such amazing siblings and parents to show me the way. I am grateful for the experiences I have had and will have in life to help me draw closer to you and my Heavenly Father. I am empowered by the strength and love of my family. The family is definitely a powerful unit. I love you!
Always and Forever,
Becky
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Faith and Fear
Dr. Julie gave me an assignment to study the words "faith" and "fear" in the scriptures. Sometimes I wonder what faith is because it is hard to define. Faith is something that continually changes and grows with time. Faith is an action word. Sometimes my faith is stronger than other times, but to me these are times it is strengthening. Like muscle building it seems they grow weaker before they grow stronger.
As I have read the Book of Mormon this time my mind has been drawn to the word "deliver." This is an empowering word to me right now. In the darkness of my eating disorder I have at times wanted and want the Savior to rescue me- deliver me. Even though I feel I want to give up I continue to push forward and reach higher. I know He can't take the trial or pain away, but He can lift me higher.
I search the index for the words "faith" and "fear." In the scriptures that really caught my eyes, I was strengthened by the word "deliver" followed after "faith." Without faith the power of deliverance is not possible.
In 1 Nephi 7:12 & 17, Nephi pleads for help to be dliever from the persectuion of his brethren. In verse 17, Nephi asks for "strength" to "burst these bands with which I am bound." He didn't ask the Savior to take it away, but rather give him the strength to overcome.
Also in Alma 38:4-5, Alma teaches Shiblon the power of fiath unto deliverance. He says, " . . .thou didst bear all these things with patience because the Lord was with thee; and now thou knowest the Lord did deliver thee. An now my son, Siblon, I would that ye should remember, that as much as he shall put your trust in God even so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials, and your troubles, and your afflictions and ye shall be lifted up at the last day."
My Heavenly Father sees me and knows who I am. He is there to strengthen and empower me to overcome all things. I am learning more about His grace and power through my trials. As I maintian faith in God I will be able to overcome the fera of the adversary (my eating disorder). The adversary does not want me to progress or find joy, but remain hidden in the darkness. Although I am scared to go froward, I know with faith my small steps will be illuminated and empowered to keep moving forward.
As I have read the Book of Mormon this time my mind has been drawn to the word "deliver." This is an empowering word to me right now. In the darkness of my eating disorder I have at times wanted and want the Savior to rescue me- deliver me. Even though I feel I want to give up I continue to push forward and reach higher. I know He can't take the trial or pain away, but He can lift me higher.
I search the index for the words "faith" and "fear." In the scriptures that really caught my eyes, I was strengthened by the word "deliver" followed after "faith." Without faith the power of deliverance is not possible.
In 1 Nephi 7:12 & 17, Nephi pleads for help to be dliever from the persectuion of his brethren. In verse 17, Nephi asks for "strength" to "burst these bands with which I am bound." He didn't ask the Savior to take it away, but rather give him the strength to overcome.
Also in Alma 38:4-5, Alma teaches Shiblon the power of fiath unto deliverance. He says, " . . .thou didst bear all these things with patience because the Lord was with thee; and now thou knowest the Lord did deliver thee. An now my son, Siblon, I would that ye should remember, that as much as he shall put your trust in God even so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials, and your troubles, and your afflictions and ye shall be lifted up at the last day."
My Heavenly Father sees me and knows who I am. He is there to strengthen and empower me to overcome all things. I am learning more about His grace and power through my trials. As I maintian faith in God I will be able to overcome the fera of the adversary (my eating disorder). The adversary does not want me to progress or find joy, but remain hidden in the darkness. Although I am scared to go froward, I know with faith my small steps will be illuminated and empowered to keep moving forward.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
NIA and Ink Throwing
Tuesday was my second time in NIA. This is the exercise class that combines kickboxing and dancing together. It has been a big risk taking class because I have never taken dance before. I am definitely not confident in my ability to dance or move. However, I enjoy the class and the chance it brings to move. It is an emotional release of energy and emotions. Through this class I am beginning to develop a love for the movement dance brings. This week we did a "Riverdance"theme and danced to riverdance songs. My calves really got a work out. The teacher is from Switzerland so she is hard to understand, so I watch her closely to know what to do. I am sure if you were to walk in the room, you would laugh at the silly movements we make. I guess it doesn't matter what you look like if it makes you feel good. At the end of the class while we were cooling down, I was thinking about how the dance movements made me feel. I got a little teary eyed (silly I know - I have mom's genes) thinking about how neat my body is that it can move and express feelings. I am beginning to realize how powerful my body is.
In art today we dipped a string in ink and dashed against a paper. Then we let it dry and were to look for an image in the abstract lines. I created a mountain sunrise scene. To me it represented how life brings challenges of different sizes. Through these obstacles comes an opportunity for growth and change. Like the sunrise, trials bring an opportunity to become reborn again into someone new, a connection to my true inner self.
In art today we dipped a string in ink and dashed against a paper. Then we let it dry and were to look for an image in the abstract lines. I created a mountain sunrise scene. To me it represented how life brings challenges of different sizes. Through these obstacles comes an opportunity for growth and change. Like the sunrise, trials bring an opportunity to become reborn again into someone new, a connection to my true inner self.
A Post From Becky
Things continue to be busy at the Center with classes, therapy, and assignments. I am working hard to do my best. These are some of the highlights, thoughts, and obstacles I am facing this week.
On Monday in “Spirituality” we talked about gratitude. Dr. Berrett led us through a thought process with a partner. To begin with, we were asked to share what we struggle expressing gratitude for. I expressed to my partner how I am so blessed with so many people and things in life. I am aware of the power and grace of my Heavenly Father. I am grateful for the chance to live on earth and experience life’s blessings and challenges. Sometimes I have a hard time expressing my gratitude for my abilities and inner self because my eating disorder distorts my thinking to believe it is not good enough. I think in order to really express gratitude for something you have to believe it first. I am seeking to push my eating disorder aside and believe I have positive attributes.
The second part of the dyad was to discuss what we were grateful for. I have so MANY things to be grateful for. I am grateful for God’s creations from beautiful butterflies to magnificent mountains. I am grateful for senses to enjoy their splendor. When I really stop to look, feel, taste, hear, and smell everything around me I am amazed at all He has created. And yet, those same hands that created pretty flowers created me. When I remember this it helps me realize my divine worth. I am grateful for a loving, supportive, and encouraging family. They are my anchors of recovery. I couldn’t do it without such wonderful cheerleaders.
The third and final part of the group was to talk about why others would be grateful for us. This was the most challenging part. When my eating disorder inhibits my thinking to believe I am worthless and broken, I feel more of a burden then a blessing. I realize and take ownership for the action of my eating disorder. As I sat there talking I thought of my desire to help others. I am part of a family who loves me. With that love I hope they are also grateful for me. I am a teacher who is compassionate and kind. The way I help them learn and grow is important and something they are grateful for. When I see my value and worth, I recognize others can be grateful for me.
It has been interesting to see some ways maybe I have been an example to others. Before I eat my meals I pause to pray for a second. I don't make a big deal, just quietly bow my head for a minute to say thank you and help me through the meal. This week two other girls who are members of the church seemed to notice what I did and have been doing it too. Yesterday, a girl named Gabi was sitting across from us and noticed. She is from California and does not have a particular religion. In fact in spirituality class on Monday she mentioned that being in treatment has opened a desire to find a higher power to have greater strength. I noticed that at that meal she paused for a second to before eating. I don't know whether she was praying or not, but it is neat to think maybe she was. I guess you never know what impact you can make on someone. I hope she finds a way to discover a higher power.
On Monday in “Spirituality” we talked about gratitude. Dr. Berrett led us through a thought process with a partner. To begin with, we were asked to share what we struggle expressing gratitude for. I expressed to my partner how I am so blessed with so many people and things in life. I am aware of the power and grace of my Heavenly Father. I am grateful for the chance to live on earth and experience life’s blessings and challenges. Sometimes I have a hard time expressing my gratitude for my abilities and inner self because my eating disorder distorts my thinking to believe it is not good enough. I think in order to really express gratitude for something you have to believe it first. I am seeking to push my eating disorder aside and believe I have positive attributes.
The second part of the dyad was to discuss what we were grateful for. I have so MANY things to be grateful for. I am grateful for God’s creations from beautiful butterflies to magnificent mountains. I am grateful for senses to enjoy their splendor. When I really stop to look, feel, taste, hear, and smell everything around me I am amazed at all He has created. And yet, those same hands that created pretty flowers created me. When I remember this it helps me realize my divine worth. I am grateful for a loving, supportive, and encouraging family. They are my anchors of recovery. I couldn’t do it without such wonderful cheerleaders.
The third and final part of the group was to talk about why others would be grateful for us. This was the most challenging part. When my eating disorder inhibits my thinking to believe I am worthless and broken, I feel more of a burden then a blessing. I realize and take ownership for the action of my eating disorder. As I sat there talking I thought of my desire to help others. I am part of a family who loves me. With that love I hope they are also grateful for me. I am a teacher who is compassionate and kind. The way I help them learn and grow is important and something they are grateful for. When I see my value and worth, I recognize others can be grateful for me.
It has been interesting to see some ways maybe I have been an example to others. Before I eat my meals I pause to pray for a second. I don't make a big deal, just quietly bow my head for a minute to say thank you and help me through the meal. This week two other girls who are members of the church seemed to notice what I did and have been doing it too. Yesterday, a girl named Gabi was sitting across from us and noticed. She is from California and does not have a particular religion. In fact in spirituality class on Monday she mentioned that being in treatment has opened a desire to find a higher power to have greater strength. I noticed that at that meal she paused for a second to before eating. I don't know whether she was praying or not, but it is neat to think maybe she was. I guess you never know what impact you can make on someone. I hope she finds a way to discover a higher power.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Email from Becky
I received an email from Becky today. I wanted to post what she had to say:
"The past 3 days have been really encouraging. Today has been a little harder with meal time. I haven't boosted for a few days, and really pushing through. However, I am overwhelmed with how much I have to eat each meal and throughout the day. I am trying to remember my goals of recovery and push through. Your and everyone prayers and support help to keep me moving forward. Let everyone know I am praying and missing them. I put in a pass order for the weekend today and will let you know soon what happens. I hope to come home on Sunday!"
Becky is learning so much. On Sunday I went to visit her. We had a great visit. As we were sitting there I loved watching Becky laugh and smile with us. It brought tears to my eyes to see her countenance shine. I know Becky is learning so much, but I too have learned so much from her. We are excited to see her this weekend!
"The past 3 days have been really encouraging. Today has been a little harder with meal time. I haven't boosted for a few days, and really pushing through. However, I am overwhelmed with how much I have to eat each meal and throughout the day. I am trying to remember my goals of recovery and push through. Your and everyone prayers and support help to keep me moving forward. Let everyone know I am praying and missing them. I put in a pass order for the weekend today and will let you know soon what happens. I hope to come home on Sunday!"
Becky is learning so much. On Sunday I went to visit her. We had a great visit. As we were sitting there I loved watching Becky laugh and smile with us. It brought tears to my eyes to see her countenance shine. I know Becky is learning so much, but I too have learned so much from her. We are excited to see her this weekend!
Journal
Surrendering for Deliverance
I began the Book of Mormon again when I admitted to the Center for Change. It seems each time you read through it certain themes and words are more prominent and comforting to the soul based on your current life's experiences. As I have been reading through this time my heart has been struck by the words "deliver" and "deliverance."
The darkness my eating disorder casts on my mind and heart makes my souls ache for a source of freedom, comfort, and light. When my eating disorder is strongly controlling my mind, I feel lost in a midst of fear, loneliness, and sadness. My soul desperately seeks a place of freedom. Sometimes I feel like a small child reaching up for someone to help me escape.
I am working hard to escape my evil eating disorder. I want to cast away its dark shadow and find my light. As I began my battle of recovery I tried to do it alone, ashamed of the evil I had let inside. Questions swarm my mind why I could let something so evil entrap my soul. Now as I continue my journey of recovery I am learning to surrender and find deliverance.
Surrendering is an active process of change and growth. I am learning to let go of all control, so I can escape totally from my eating disorder. I have committed to trust my treatment team, Nelson, my family, and my Savior to guide in the direction of light and truth. My eating disorder speaks against truth with distortions. These false ideas include: I am broken, unlovable, and a disappointment. I am actively surrendering my faith, trust and will to others. I am striving to become a better me for today, tomorrow, and forever trusting patiently in my God.
The power of deliverance works according to the action of surrendering. In the scriptures there are many examples of the Lord delivering. My favorite is in Mosiah 24:14-15. Alma and his followers are delivered from Amulon. In verse 15, it reads, "And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light, yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." The power of deliverance is merciful come with faith, patience, and trust in God and others. I know they can see who I am more accurately and will lead me to a place where I can become myself again.
I am reaching and grasping my Savior's loving hands to help me believe, see, and know who I am-that I am of worth and lovable. Each day I pray for strength to follow His will, trust in Him and those caring for me, and having faith in myself.
I know I am never alone, but God is by my side lifting and delivering me to light and safety. Whenever I feel lost and afraid I strive to keep faith in His love. Each time I ask He reaches down to life me to safety. I am so grateful for His loving and merciful hands of deliverance.
I began the Book of Mormon again when I admitted to the Center for Change. It seems each time you read through it certain themes and words are more prominent and comforting to the soul based on your current life's experiences. As I have been reading through this time my heart has been struck by the words "deliver" and "deliverance."
The darkness my eating disorder casts on my mind and heart makes my souls ache for a source of freedom, comfort, and light. When my eating disorder is strongly controlling my mind, I feel lost in a midst of fear, loneliness, and sadness. My soul desperately seeks a place of freedom. Sometimes I feel like a small child reaching up for someone to help me escape.
I am working hard to escape my evil eating disorder. I want to cast away its dark shadow and find my light. As I began my battle of recovery I tried to do it alone, ashamed of the evil I had let inside. Questions swarm my mind why I could let something so evil entrap my soul. Now as I continue my journey of recovery I am learning to surrender and find deliverance.
Surrendering is an active process of change and growth. I am learning to let go of all control, so I can escape totally from my eating disorder. I have committed to trust my treatment team, Nelson, my family, and my Savior to guide in the direction of light and truth. My eating disorder speaks against truth with distortions. These false ideas include: I am broken, unlovable, and a disappointment. I am actively surrendering my faith, trust and will to others. I am striving to become a better me for today, tomorrow, and forever trusting patiently in my God.
The power of deliverance works according to the action of surrendering. In the scriptures there are many examples of the Lord delivering. My favorite is in Mosiah 24:14-15. Alma and his followers are delivered from Amulon. In verse 15, it reads, "And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light, yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." The power of deliverance is merciful come with faith, patience, and trust in God and others. I know they can see who I am more accurately and will lead me to a place where I can become myself again.
I am reaching and grasping my Savior's loving hands to help me believe, see, and know who I am-that I am of worth and lovable. Each day I pray for strength to follow His will, trust in Him and those caring for me, and having faith in myself.
I know I am never alone, but God is by my side lifting and delivering me to light and safety. Whenever I feel lost and afraid I strive to keep faith in His love. Each time I ask He reaches down to life me to safety. I am so grateful for His loving and merciful hands of deliverance.
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