Phase Four Experiences

After several months of trying to overcome my eating disorder on my own, I was ready to surrender. I felt bruised, broken, and defeated by my unwanted demon. My “bucket” was full of holes that it could not hold the magic pixie dust found in really living life. Like the character Peter Pan, I felt haunted by a dark shadow that taunts me to believe I am worthless and unlovable. My shadow overcasts my true self with guilt and depression, robbing me of my dreams and passions. What I once believed was truth was mocked by the negative mind of my eating disorder. Feeling helpless, I was desperately seeking to find magical “pixie dust” to fill my bucket, separate me from the dark shadow of my eating disorder, and find the strength to fly.

On December 28, I surrendered my individual battle to receive greater help from the Center for Change. The experiences and relationships I have had here have helped heal my broken bucket to begin my personal collection of magical pixie dust. These experiences have been life-changing and life-saving that has shaped my character in many ways that I am still discovering.

In my journey to learn to fly, I have tripped and fallen many times. However, I have not been alone in my stumbles. My treatment team, care techs, nurses, therapists, and other patients have held a net underneath me to protect me from my falls. They have helped me fill my personal bucket of pixie dust to find the courage to try to fly.

The magical pixie dust of the Center for Change has helped me discover the power of play. While at the Center for Change I have discovered play to be a enchanting empowerment in my life. Recreational adventures have helped me identify my passions, experience pleasure, and define myself again.

My eating disorder placed doubts of acceptance with others. Feelings of disappointment and shame brought me to isolate from friends and family, robbing me of further developing relationships. In Peter Pan, Peter shares his pixie dust with his friends, the Lost Boys. I felt lost and lonely in my eating disorder like the Lost Boys. In experimenting with recreational activities at the Center for Change, I have found and redefined friendships. I, who once believed I was lost, have found new relationships through the connections I have shared with others in outings and recreational experiences. Each patient has helped to fill my bucket of magical pixie dust with the examples and personal light they have shared with me.

I am so grateful for the recreational opportunities and challenges the Center for Change has provided for me. These experiences have brought healing and empowerment to have the strength to move forward in recovery. I have enjoyed the simple movements in art therapy of drawing, coloring, painting, and writing. Just experiencing these movements have helped me process and work through my past and present emotions. My experiences in art therapy added pixie dust to my bucket with the twinkling it helped me see of my true self, especially through the eyes of my Higher Power.

One specific recreational activity I have learned a lot from is volunteering to work with the toddlers at Courage Reins. They have helped me see my great love to work and learn from children. It has been amazing to watch their growth and smiles each week. Even though they are smaller than me, they are great heroes in my life. Through watching their small steps of improvement, it has helped me catch a glimpse of the small changes in my own reflection and personality. This includes the twinkle in my eyes to see joy in the simple things of life.

I have enjoyed my experiences with trying new things on outings like-country skiing, painting, pottery, volunteering, rock climbing, visiting museums, snowshoeing, watching college sports, archery, and even back-packing camping. Each activity helped me gain insight into my potential and empowered me with learning experiences to evaluate my emotions and desires. New experiences helped me identify what I desire to pursue further in my life.

My bucket of magical pixie dust has also been filled with the power to feel the strength of my body. I have enjoyed exploring the movement of my body during Nia and Yoga classes. These classes have helped me feel connections between my mind, body, and spirit. The movements in Nia helped me connect, process, and express my emotions inside outwardly. Each class increased my gratitude for the power of my body’s strengths and abilities.

Music has also added to my bucket of magical pixie dust. Like Nia and Yoga, music has helped me connect feelings between my mind, body, and soul. Through the magic of music I was able to express my feelings in a way without using words. I have rediscovered the soothing rewards of music to my mind, body, and soul.

Through the therapeutic experiences I have had at the Center for Change I have found the magic pixie dust to discover my “Becky” voice again. I have realized ways to use my voice to assert myself against my eating disorder in a positive way. Additionally, I have learned additional light is added to my pixie dust when I use my voice with others. Combining my light with the group empowers my energy and courage to fly.

One of the simplest magical pixie dust spells I’ve had is experiencing what it feels like to smile and laugh again. Laughing is a simple, and yet it brings magnificent blessings. It has been fun to see the contagious magnetism the magic of laughing and smiling pixie dust can have for yourself and others. I have pondered the amazing feelings laughing brings to your face, stomach, mind, and body. I remember the first time I experienced a true to life belly laugh at the Center for Change. After sensing my tense stomach muscles, I stopped suddenly in amazement at what was occurring. I then expressed how I hadn’t felt that funny feeling in the pit of my stomach for a long time. It was like I was a child again. I found a simple and yet splendid treasured medicine in life- laughter.

I feel that my higher power has blessed me with a therapist and dietician who He knew would help me in the best way. Torey has also been an amazing magician in my life. She has given me enchanting pixie dust to defend against my eating disorder fears. With her gentle care and concern, I have gained new perspectives and beliefs about food. Torey has helped me to learn that food is a magical pixie dust in my life for the nourishment it gives my mind, body, and spirit. She has helped me battle my negative mind to believe I deserve to nurture and take care of my body so that I can have the strength to fly towards my passions and purpose.

Dr. Julie is a true magician – even with silly magic tricks. I loved the moments she shared making hands and feet disappear because it made me wonder if she could make Ed disappear. She has been one of my greatest sources of strength through my process of recovery. I have grown to love and adore her in ways words cannot explain. Through our therapy sessions, Dr. Julie has sprinkled magical pixie dust on me to find my sparkling, true self again. Her gentle words of advice and encouragement guided me to discover ways to cast my shadow away and find “Becky” again. Her gentle hugs walking to and after therapy were powerful sources of magical pixie dust. I cherish the moments we talked, laughed, and even cried together. Dr. Julie has become one of the greatest treasures of my heart.

As I leave the Center for Change, I carry in my bucket my own pixie dust to share with others. I want to spread the sparkle and light that life holds to others. Through this I feel I will have the strength and power to fly away from my eating disorder. My eyes are drawn to the pixie dusts’ twinkle of hope and empowerment for a life full of opportunities and happiness.