My "Aha Moment"

Along this journey of recovery there are some moments where I gasp in an "aha!" It often occurs when catching a glimmer of growth while reflecting on the past.

In beginning treatment with a new treatment team here in Phoenix, I have had the opportunity to look at the past during my initial assessment appointments. In my recollection of my past, some memories are more prominent than others, some more painful, some healing, and some forgotten. As the questions are asked, I catch a glimpse of the long way I have taken with the great help of my Tinker Bell Julie. She has held my hand through this dark journey of change. I am so grateful for the angel she has been in my life.

During my assessment, one of the questions posed was, "What feelings does your eating disorder cycle through your mind?" Reciting with automaticity, I said I believed I was "broken," "unlovable," and "worthless." Before entering the center I felt these beliefs were true, and as such I needed to disappear. As Dr. Julie has helped me discover, Ed had become my way of disappearing.

In one of my reflection assignments at the Center for Change, while in "Phase 2," I wrote the following:

"I continue to battle my negative mind and the negative thoughts it encourages me to believe. My negative mind continues to tell me that I am broken, worthless, and unlovable. When I feel I have made a mistake or upset someone, I find it is the loudest. It encourages me to believe I am a disappointment to others so I need to disappear through isolating actions."

The next question asked in the assessment was, "Do you still feel this way: broken, unlovable, and worthless?"

When asked, I froze for a few moments. Then the sparkling, "aha" surprise tickling inside followed. I couldn't remember the last time I let my negative mind cycle down that dark path - "broken," "unlovable," "worthless." Though I don't remember when they last occurred, I can still recall the way the despair felt. I felt lost, alone and afraid. In the same reflection noted earlier, I wrote:

"The biggest challenge I continue to face is feeling disconnected to my true identity. I feel lost as to who I really am to the point I am afraid to see my reflection in the mirror."

I didn't recognize and value my divine worth. My identity was connected to Ed, meaning I was nothing. By so believing, I had been captured by his flaxen cords to Satan's misery - the purpose of his plan.

So instead of answering, "Yes," to this question as Ed would have liked, I didn't. Instead I said, "No, not anymore." (This is the "Aha!")

The next question was, "Why? What do you believe now?"

With the help of my magician Julie, I have learned how to stop and reframe these dark thoughts. As she promised long ago, his voice has subsided and replaced with a testimony of my individual worth. This testimony is in part what I answered this question with.

I know I am a daughter of God of infinite worth. He loves me for who I am. Nothing can ever change that even the adversary's doubts of destruction. God's love is enduring and everlasting. God's love in my anchor of hope. Knowing His love is eternal helps push away any doubts or fears of Ed and others.

I am my Father's creation - spirit and body. My spirit is eternal and unique in its abilities that can contribute to His perfect plan. My body is patterned after Him. It empowers me to experience life and fulfill my purpose, so that I may return to my Heavenly Father again someday. I love to think of the empowering abilities of my body as outlined in temple ordinances and blessings.

I am grateful for life's challenges and their dusting of pixie dust. As I experience growth and changes, my bucket is filled with sparkles and glimmers that magnify my divinity as a daughter of a king.

My value is unchanging as I know I belong to my Heavenly Father. Despite the questions my negative mind may wonder, I know my Father's love is eternally there to keep me safe and guide me with His pixie dust back to His heavenly "Neverland" again someday.

Mormon.org

A few weeks ago our ward was advised of a church experiment our area was participating in: mormon.org. Keeping up with the time of technology communication, the LDS church leaders have created a website that is linked to a common name for our religion, Mormons. This is due to the book we testify in conjunction with the Bible, The Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ. Mormon is a nickname for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

As part of the experiment, my ward family was advised to create a profile on mormon.org. This profile describes who you are, your beliefs, and faith in the gospel. A new button decorates the side of my blog that will link you to my profile and mormon.org. My profile is "in review," so it hasn't been posted yet. I'll let you know when it is. For now, here is a part of it. . .

Wife, daughter, teacher, aspiring writer, and advocate of addiction recovery. I'm a Mormon.

My family is my greatest treasure. I am the youngest of 7 children, but my family continues to grow with brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews. My husband and I have been married almost 5 years. He is the love of my life, my best friend, and my better half.

I am a teacher, which fulfills my passion for children, education and serving others. Teaching is filled with contagious learning experiences. It is magical to help children explore the world. I find in return I am a student to their magical ideas. I love the watching the twinkles and sparkles of growing as my students change throughout the year.

Over the past few years, I have developed an aspiration of writing. I love the way letters and words combine together to express meaning and feeling. Through blogging and journaling, I find joy in sharing my writings with others.

After battling my personal trial with an eating disorder, I am a strong advocate of helping others find recovery. I find pleasure and strength in sharing my story of recovery with youth and women. The focus of my presentations is on helping others identify their individual worth and divine potential as a daughter of a King.

Power of Testimony

Happy Fall! I hope you all are enjoying the changes of fall, wherever you are. It is still summer-like for us in Arizona. Without looking at the calendar, my body wants me to believe it is July or August with 100 degree weather still. Nelson loves to make fun of the weather man here, saying, "He has the easiest job- Today it is going to be sunny and warm or sunny and hot!"

However, as many of you are seeing glimpses of changing from green to brown leaves, we are seeing glimpses of "GREEN" instead of brown. Our apartment complex has been watering the grass the week - more like flooding it. Anyway, in just the past few days the brown landscape has turned green. I guess the saying is true, "The grass is always greener on the other side." ;) I am missing my fall tradition of pulling out my grandpa's yard. It was always a special time to be with my gardening buddies: Melissa, mom, Grandma, and Grandpa.

This week we had a neat opportunity to see my cousin Jeremy set apart to leave on his mission to Pocatello, Idaho. He is going to be a great missionary! During the setting apart, President Thomas, the stake president, gave some touching counsel and remarks. Although he was speaking to Jeremy, I felt they were so applicable to me.

The basis of his thoughts came from D&C 109, the dedicatory prayer of the Kirkland Temple. This chapter outlines the magnificent covenants and promises of temple blessings. "I love to see (and be) in the temple." It is a Neverland of my soul where any feelings of being lost, lonely or afraid subside. They are replaced with the joy and confidence knowing I am a daughter of a king with potential to live with Him again some day.

D&C 109 explains that the temple is a "house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of glory and of God, even thy house." It is a house of learning eternal truths that Satan envys. These truths motivate his effort to destroy our potential. Each time I attend the temple, I am amazed at the things the spirit teaches through the same repeated prayers and ordinances. It is magical to discover the great meaning each word in the ordinances there have, from the words "through" to "eternal." I realize the inspired compostion of each word organized together perfectly.

"And do thou grant, Holy Father, that all those who shall worship in this house may be taught
words of wisdom out of the best abooks, and that they may seek learning even by study, and also by faith, as thou hast said; And that they may grow up in thee, and receive a fulness of the Holy Ghost, and be organized according to thy laws, and be prepared to obtain every needful thing." (D&C 109: 14-15).

One of my favorite ordinances to do in the temple is the initiatory. I love the covenants and blessings promised. It is a powerful shield to remember in my mind with my continued battle for complete recovery. The last promise of the initatory is particularly meaningful and uplifting with the blessing of protection from the power of the destroyer. Hearing this line always makes me smile to think that the result of any of my personal wars here on earth and in the war in Heaven has already been decided. Heavenly Father's plan is perfect with a "Happily Ever After" of our conquering with Him.

I am grateful for the purpose of adversity in directing me to my true potential. My personal experiences of life have shaped my testimony. President Thomas taught of the power of testimony in uplifting yourself and others from the destruction of Satan. I cannot help but think that is why I find joy and power in sharing my story of recovery with others. I hope more opportunities will come.

President Utchdorf defines a testimony as:

"A testimony provides proper perspective, motivation, and a solid foundation on which to build a life of purpose and personal growth. It is a constant source of confidence, a true and faithful companion during good times and bad. A testimony provides us with a reason for hope and gladness. It helps us cultivate a spirit of optimism and happiness and enables us to rejoice in the beauties of nature. A testimony motivates us to choose the right at all times and in all circumstances. It motivates us to draw nearer to God, allowing Him to draw nearer to us (see James 4:8).

Our personal testimony is a protective shield, and like an iron rod it is guiding us safely through darkness and confusion.

Nephi’s testimony gave him the courage to stand up and be counted as one who obeys the Lord. He did not murmur, doubt, or fear no matter what the circumstances. When times got tough he said, “I will go and do [what] the Lord [has] commanded, for I know that the Lord … shall prepare a way … [to] accomplish [it]” (1 Nephi 3:7).

Just as the Lord knew Nephi, God knows us and loves us. This is our time; these are our days. We are where the action is. Our firm personal testimony will motivate us to change ourselves and then bless the world. Of this I testify and leave you my blessing as an Apostle of the Lord, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

Journey to Gilbert

In the hallow of God's hands, miracles continue to bless Nelson's and my new life in Arizona. Although this has been a drastic change, we have been blessed with an overwhelming measure of peace.

As the Lord teaches, line upon line His perfect organization has fallen into place. In the Book of Mormon, in 2 Nephi 28, we read:

“For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have” (2 Nephi 28:30, emphasis added).

This principle was given reference many times in this weekend's General Conference messages. Moving here is definitely helping me develop patience. Oftentimes, I hope and pray for a blessing to come with patience. Yet, my timetable is often quicker than the Lord's. However, His timetable is perfect as He sends blessings according to what we can handle in that moment. Gradually, new obstacles are added according to His perfect organization. Through His optimal organization, we develop and acquire further skills necessary for upcoming obstacles.

Although it has been difficult to be patient in the job search, God's timing has afforded great blessings. While looking for work, I have been able to have time to prepare needful things at home: insurance, changing addresses, and getting established. I have also had some time to help Nelson with some projects in school.

When looking at things in the moment, time seems to go too slowly. However, when looking through with retrospection, it has come so quickly. To think just two months ago we decided to move here. Even thinking a week ago the changes that have happened.

Early last week I felt stumped into where to go next in my job search. I know God is aware of me and has a plan. Praying and pondering for new things to investigate, I decided to look into some charter schools for substituting. I sent my resume and application to schools on Monday. On Wednesday, I had an interview with American Leadership Academy in Gilbert.

Much to my surprise I started working on Friday. It is a long term substitute job for 6th and 7th grade English. Before going to the school, I would have never picked 6th grade. Been there, done that! However, peace filled my heart in my interview. So far it has been a good experience. I am learning lots about new things in this adventure.

I have made a neat connection to the location of this new opportunity. This school is right across the street from the new Gilbert temple. Like my previous job at Butterfield Canyon Elementary, I will have the opportunity to watch a new temple rise up to completion. Although this is a short time position, I am grateful for the opportunity. I know God will continue to lead me "line upon line."

Your the Teacher Nelson married. . .

This week has been filled with some unexpected adventures. Last Friday, September 16, we heard news that Nelson's Grandpa Yates had past away. Although it is always hard to lose a loved one, we are rejoice in the blessing of eternal families. We know we will be able to see him again, and he will continue to watch over us now.

Grandpa Yates embodied a life of love, joy in adventure, and devotion for home and family. He loved Nelson! Throughout Nelson's life, he has been Grandpa's special helper. There was and is a special connection between these two boys. In fact, as time moves forward, I am reminded of the way Nelson, his dad, and grandpa are so similar. Their smile and sense of humor is identical, in that they find ways to laugh through hardship.

At 95 years old, Grandpa Yates' memory was beginning to go. Whenever visiting with Grandpa, he seemed to share the same stories and teach the same principles. Each time I met with him, he would ask me who I was, seeing he forgot. As soon as I reminded him I was Nelson's wife, he would begin the recorded conversation. . .

Grandpa Yates: "Your the teacher Nelson married. I married a teacher too. Yep! See I wasn't very smart growing up, so I always wanted to marry a teacher to make me smarter. Are you teaching him anything?"

Me: "I am trying to, but Nelson is already pretty good. He is teaching me."

Grandpa Yates: "Your the teacher Nelson married. I married. . . . .

This was the sweet converstaion I always had with Grandpa Yates. Actually, I looked forward to this exchange with him as it reminded me of the core of my identity. My greatest blessings are my husband, family, and love of learning. I will miss this exchange with Grandpa Yates, but will always keep it in my heart when I think of him.

Growing Up

For the past few days, Nelson and I watched the movie Hook as an end of the day study break. For many reasons, as you might guess, this is one of my favorite movies. I love the symbolism, new and old, I find each time I see it. As we watched it this time, I thought of the theme, "growing up." These are some of my thoughts I recorded in my journal.

Throughout childhood there are marked rites of passage. Enthusiasm builds in anticipation for the next event. Dreams and passions evolve through past experiences and prospective futures.

Children - and adults for that matter - are often asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I always love to hear my students and children's responses to this questions. Some of their answers have included: mom, dad, teacher, doctor, lawyer, scientist, engineer, zookeeper, and many more. Yet my favorite response was from Ben last year, "Myself."

I am beginning to realize growing up is not necessarily transforming yourself, but arising to your potential. Growing up means being comfortable about who you are and then share that with others. This can be a difficult feat in the opposition of the negative mind's self-doubt.

Actually, I think growing up causes us to forget. We forget who we are, our self-worth and divine potential. Like Toodles - which means goodbye- we lose our marbles. We are crazy to seek the ability to simply be ourselves. This is a theme Dr. Julie emphasis often with me. She has even drawn a picture of a bee on my hand.

(See: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpuG2VBbOlo)

As life unfolds and we are humble enough to seek this pixie dust, we gather our true-self marble by marble. Inside each marble is a glowing ember of pixie dust to regain our self-love and care as God who have us.

I can't help but wonder if "simply being" is not "growing up," but finding your inner child. Maybe it means doing the things you loved to do when you were a child: playing make-believe, wishing upon a star, sleeping with the night light on, dancing to your favorite song, singing out loud, holding a hand, kissing goodbye or good night, finger painting, playing games, stargazing, eating your favorite treat, cuddling, and m any more moments that capture pleasure.

Although I don't have my own children yet, I already hope they stay little forever. I want to memorize their tiny hands and feet, starlit eyes, messy faces, wide-toothed grins, handwritten notes, comfort cuddles, lull of goodnight whispers to their bedtime mate, anxious chuckles, and moments of laughter.

Though there are treasured freedoms with growing up, my happy thought is finding my marbles - ME - so that I can fly to my Neverland in heaven above matching my divine potential.

Apartment Pictures

Beginning from the front porch, this is a general walk through of our apartment.