There's A Monster at the End of this Book

Recovery is a process of change. When beginning my intense work at the Center for Change with Dr. Julie, I wrote this to describe the binding of deception I felt in Ed's grasp:
"Satan slowly binds his prey with small “flaxen cords”[3] gradually,building strength over time. A flaxen cord is a fine, light-colored fiber madewith flax. The thin, soft strands can be easily broken. However, combinedtogether in a cord, it is strong and unyielding.

Lucifer’s plan is to “pacify”God’s children and “lull them away into carnal security” so that he can leadthem “carefully” away from the truth, happiness & God’s eternal love.[4]

Likemany addictions, my eating disorder progressively caught me Lucifer’s grasp.With subtle wraps of His soft flaxen cords, Satan bound me his dark deceits thatI was worthless, unlovable and broken. His silent transformation made it easy forme to ignore the darkness blinding my perception.  

Lookingback, I perceive the small “flaxen cords”[5]wrapping around me in slight movements. Lucifer’s lies tricked me to believethat by striving to control different aspects of my life, I would mend all thatwas “broken,” including me. However, in my effort to take control, I did notsee, hear, and understand the truth of the spirit of my Heavenly Father. Nephiexplains that Satan is “the founder of . . . works darkness; yea, and heleadeth them by the neck with a flaxen cord, until he bindeth them with hisstrong cords forever.”[6] Lucifer’s whispers changed myperception of myself. I found it hard to recognize my strengths andaccomplishments. He deceived my soul to keep my emotions hidden. Dreams andgoals became distant and unreachable. My mind, body, and spirit were bound inHis dreary prison. I was desperate to be freed from his captivity, which couldonly come through my Savior and Redeemer."

Recently, both Dr. Julie and Melyssa asked me where I felt I was along the road of recovery. Specifically, what obstacles have I overcome, and what is ahead. This question has drawm my mind to ponder upon the idea of a flaxen cord. I feel the analogy of the wrapping of flaxen cords are subtle in coming, and difficult in unwinding. My mind envisions when I was in the depths of my eating disorder that I was in a dark room without a glimmer of hope. Lucifer's cords of doubt, fear, and worthlessness tightly en-wrapped my soul in a tangled mess. I was lifeless his cords.

Through the process of recovery, I have begun to unwind the cords. Yet I have discovered they are tangled. This means that although you pick at one area on top, sometimes you then need to loosen other strings in the middle first. It seems you tug a little here, a little there, and back again to a previous string. Some of the flaxen cords seem to reappear often, others just once. Yet each string is important to unravel to completely unbind the soul. This is not a solo experience, but by the power of heaven's grace and angels, I find the magic of moving and light freeing my spirit.

One string I have seen quite often the entwines many other cords is the fear of disappointing Nelson. It seems it is one cord that lies at the core and may be one of the most difficult to unravel. When conversations arise that involve Ed, his deception and doubt cycle endlessly in effort to convice me I am "not good enough" for Nelson. I believe by being mindful of this, I can better gain perspective and ability to fight to thought stop and reframe as my good coach taught me. Seeking to be more aware of the knots that continue to bind me, I discovered an "aha" of what to be mindful of and work through - like a special tool to unpick the knot.

As I processed this idea with Melyssa today, she shared a children's story that enlightened my understanding. She shared the story, "There's a Monster at the End of this Book" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vafs4yFNtQ8).



In this book, Grover is horrified to learn that there is a monster at the end of the book and begs the reader not to finish it, so as to avoid the monster. He uses several methods to try and keep the reader from progressing, including tying the pages shut and cementing them together with bricks. After each page is turned, the results of the failed effort is shown, and Grover tries a new method to keep the reader from turning yet another page. To the amusement and relief of Grover, the monster at the end of the book turns out to be none other than himself.

Like Grover in this book, sometimes I am afraid to face Ed in new challenges. Yet if I remain silent and unresistant, Ed gets bigger and harder to fight. Dr. Julie taught me the best way to combat Ed is to face him straight on. I guess you would call that a front punch:D. As I continue to untangle Ed's ropes, I hope to be mindful of the cords I am tugging at and mindfully losen their strength. I know I will not do it alone - I never have. By the grace and power of the Savior's Atonement, my soul is enlivened on heaven's wings.

Sending Pixie Dust,
Becky

Sparkle of a Smile, Twinkle of Laughter, Glimmer of Growth

It is hard to believe it has been 2 years since I embarked on my journey of recovery with the Center for Change. In the beginning, it was frightening step to take and a marked failure to Ed. In his deception, I believed since I could not “fix it” on my own, it verified I was “broken, unlovable, and worthless.”

However, I now believe this day is a special day to remember for the spark of rebirth that ignited. Upon entering I felt I was without hope to be of any value. Though I do not feel the same today, quite contrary, I can still remember how Ed felt: shades of darkness gloomed over my eyes, despair loomed in my heart, and doubt troubled my feet to move. I have discovered through therapy that Ed’s intent was to lead me “disappear.”

I wrote in my journal just before discharging from the CFC in May 2010, “Deception is the key of destruction with my eating disorder. While looking through the dark glasses of Ed, my perception was distorted to believe I was worthless, a disappointment, and unlovable. These words were black ropes of despair that surrounded and destroyed me.”

While at home in Utah for Christmas, I had the chance to visit with Dr. Julie. Recalling the 2 years, we reminisced about the changes made in this journey together. Dr. Julie asked me what I believed where some marked highlights of change since the beginning of my recovery. I mentioned some of my “Aha Moments!” in which I have begun to believe and know of my eternal, unchanging worth as a Daughter of a King.

Along this journey, I have been blessed with a sweet guardian angel that has been there to encourage, strengthen, empower, and comfort me – Dr. Julie. She is truly my heaven sent “Tinker Bell.” As she has been there along the way, I asked Dr. Julie to share some marked changes she has seen. To me her response connects to the quote I wrote on the wall in the CFC art room when I left:

“Life is filled with magical moments. Find it in the sparkle of a smile, twinkle of laughter, and glimmer of growth.”

As my master magician, Dr. Julie ignited my hope and passion in life again. Dr. Julie is a true magician – even with silly magic tricks. I loved the moments she shared making hands and feet disappear because it made me wonder if she could make Ed disappear. In the process of recovery, I have discovered the magic the sparkle of a smile brings to the soul. Dr. Julie said, “I love the sparkle in your eye. I think that is the favorite change that I saw in you as you healed.”

Slight smiles gleaned bigger smiles that mounted to the twinkles of laughter. For so long I lost the ability to laugh in Ed’s abyss. Yet the sparkle of a smile kindled the ability to laugh. I can still remember the tickling of my stomach muscles when I had my first “giggles.” This is the kind of laugh that comes unexpectedly and continues because of the contagious tummy tickle.

I wrote the following in my journal about this experience, “The other night, Michelle and I were talking and laughing about something silly. As we were lying there in the dark trying to go to sleep, we heard a buzzing sound coming from the heater. I asked Michelle if the sound was bothering her. She said it was a bit annoying. From this we laughing at little, silly jokes of how the sound was a monster of all the silly things we are afraid off. We were really tired, so our jokes seemed even funnier. I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt. All of the sudden I stopped and said, “I think this is the first time I have really laughed this hard in a long time.” Sometimes these experiences and others make me feel like a little kid again, experiencing life in new ways.”

Though life is not filled with all smiles all the time, I am learning to find joy in the journey through “glimmers of growth.” Our life’s fairy tale begins with the words, “Once Upon a Time” and hope comes in the delightful phrase, “Happily Ever After.” In the magical phrases of a story’s beginning and ending, we are often oblivious to the most enchanting part of the story-the middle. In between these magical phrases, magical characters experience triumphs over difficult obstacles they are called to endure.

Elder Utchdorf stated in May 2010 General Conference, “Sisters, those words are true! They are not made up in a fairy tale! Isn’t it remarkable to know that our eternal Heavenly Father knows you, hears you, watches over you, and loves you with an infinite love? In fact, His love for you is so great that He has granted you this earthly life as a precious gift of “once upon a time,” complete with your own true story of adventure, trial, and opportunities for greatness, nobility, courage, and love. And, most glorious of all, He offers you a gift beyond price and comprehension. Heavenly Father offers to you the greatest gift of all—eternal life—and the opportunity and infinite blessing of your own “happily ever after. But such a blessing does not come without a price. It is not given simply because you desire it. It comes only through understanding who you are and what you must become in order to be worthy of such a gift."

Despite the challenges we face in the quest of life, we have the choice to find happiness. With this decision, we discover our divine worth and potential, molded to God’s perfection with the trials we fight.

Like all of God’s children, my life’s fairy tale to finding the treasure of my individual worth has been a quest with stumbling stones. In my journey, the magic of God’s love has helped me transform them into stepping-stones proceeding to my divine potential.

I love the message and video created to a song that is thematic to my life. . .

Happily Ever After By Jennie Phillips
Once upon a time
A child was born into this life
Heaven could be seen in her eyes
There was no doubt she was divine
And if you are still you will feel the truth
That the princess in this wondrous story is you

[Chorus:]
It’s your time
It’s your destiny to shine
So arise
Be true to the royal
That’s inside of you
Don’t settle for the story that
The world would have you write
You were born to reach eternal life
Let faith fill every chapter
Let the Savior lead you to
Happily ever after

Sometimes in your life
The world will cast a spell
And try to make your conscience fall asleep
And forget the woman God would have you be
But if you are still you will understand
The noble role you play in his plan

[Chorus]
It’s your time
It’s your destiny to shine
So arise
Be true to the royal
That’s inside of you
Don’t settle for the story that
The world would have you write
You were born to reach eternal life
Let faith fill every chapter
Let the Savior lead you to
Happily ever after

[Bridge:]
When the forests fills with darkness
And wolves seek your soul
Just know
You are simply in the place between
Your once upon a time and your triumph in the end

[Chorus]
It’s your time
It’s your destiny to shine
So arise
Be true to the royal
That’s inside of you
Don’t settle for the story that
The world would have you write
You were born to reach eternal life
Let faith fill every chapter
Let the Savior lead you to
Happily ever after

Seasoned to Perfection

I am learning the desert country of Arizona has a different temperature gauge than Utah. Summers are sizzling with a gradual cool down to a warm winter. My mind checks in with the calendar to remember the month instead of the thermometer. I have enjoyed the sunshine and warmth, but miss the traditional change of seasons in Utah: fall’s falling leaves, winter’s glistening snow, spring’s popcorn trees, and summer’s glows of green. Besides the seasons of home, I miss celebrating traditions, milestones, and making memories with loved ones.

My heart was filled with hope this week as I realized seasons are more than just changes in the weather four times a year. A season is a time period. Life is filled with seasons: childhood season, softball season, college season, newlywed season, motherhood season, nana season, nursery leader season, teacher season, and much more.

It can be difficult sometimes to wish too soon for a drastic change of seasons. When so doing, we miss the small, insignification millstones that make milestones of change. In the twilight of the season it is then we wish we would have enjoyed the journey more. As a nursery leader, I am amazed at the quick changes the little ones show each week. Yet there spirits hold true to who they are. I love the way they cuddle with me and often hope that quick season does not have to end at the end of church. They are so sweet to learn and grow from, even admist the challenge of the calling.

I continually work on remembering to live life one moment at a time. I've seen a quote once that says, "Life is measure not by the number of breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away." Each morning as I drive to work, I am in awe at the gorgeous sunerise. In this moment, I think how wonderful it is to find peace knowing that same sun is shining on my loved ones far away.  The light of love knows no distance but connects eternally.

One thing I have found to be the same in Utah and Arizona is the sunshine’s transformation through the seasons. In my perspective, I feel the warmth and glisten of the sun adapts to the season. Yet though the length of the sunshine adjusts to the season, it is constant. To me this emulates God’s everlasting, unconditional love.

Additionally, though I miss the change of relationships with my loved ones, I am grateful for the growth distance provides. It seems it would be a paradox, but in this season of change my heart cultivates love near and far. God’s promise holds true in the way he sends people and angels in our lives at different times. Each expands the shimmer of seasons.

The beauty of the season is not found with stagnancy, but rather the change. Like the four seasons, hope is found in the promise for another one. Seasons bring treasured glimmers of growth. I believe these are God’s magical moments of transformation into our divine self. Though the change between and in seasons is difficult, new insights, love, and faith is formed. By such, we become “seasoned to perfection.”

O Remember, Remember

As everyone is well aware, Arizona is known for the HEAT! Since moving here at the beginning

of September, my body has felt summer has draaaagggged on! Usually in Salt Lake you can feel the change of months with the season changes. In Arizona, I missed that feeling. I kept looking for signs of fall with trees changing and cooler temperatures. However, the 90s continued on. That is until this weekend. I "cold front" came in with a HUGE dust storm. We were grateful for the rain to clear the air.

Now the breeze brings a feeling of fall here. We turned on the heater for the first time yesterday for a few minutes with our apartment only 65. The temperature is just about right, not too hot and not too cold. I love watching the grass turn from brown to green. I guess green grass does grow anywhere :).

Nelson is working hard at school. He will finish the semester the first week of December. It is
fun to see him excited about what he is learning, even though he dreads the common things of school - tests and papers. I am very proud of him!

I am still working at American Leadership Academy. On Tuesday I finished my long term
English middle school substitute position. On Wednesday I was supposed to start as an instructional assistant helping teachers with planning and building the curriculum. However, due to an expired fingerprint card, I am a long term substitute in a 5th grade class until just before Christmas. I am glad to be back with elementary students, yet glad to learn about middle school kids. Most of all, I am grateful for God's watchful care to provide a work opportunity.

We are counting down the days until Christmas break to visit family and friends. We miss and
love you all! When you have a minute we would love to hear from you:D.

This past week I thought about my passion for writing. This is part of a journal entry. . .

Writing has become such an outlet for me during the past few years, especially journal writing. I love the way letters combine to make words that dance together to express inner feelings. At first writing was a way for me to speak when Ed wanted me to remain silent.

This past week, I realized that journal writing has now become a way to speak to Heavenly Father. It is a time to reflect and capture the twinkles of God's miracles in my life. Then as I reread my entries I find strength and glimmers of growth.

President Erying gave a talk in the 2010 general conference entitled, "O Remember Remember." He taught about the importance of remembering God in our daily lives, including journal writing. I connect with the feelings he mentions. I am so grateful for the treasures of blessings God shines upon me each day.

"I wrote down a few lines every day for years. I never missed a day no matter how tired I was or how early I would have to start the next day. Before I would write, I would ponder this question:

“Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?” As I kept at it, something began to happen. As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had done for one of us that I had not recognized in the busy moments of the day. As that happened, and it happened often, I realized that trying to remember had allowed God to show me what He had done. . . .

More than gratitude began to grow in my heart. Testimony grew. I became ever more certain that our Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. I felt more gratitude for the softening and refining that come because of the Atonement of the Savior Jesus Christ. And I grew more confident that the Holy Ghost can bring all things to our remembrance—even things we did not notice or pay attention to when they happened. . . .

Tonight, and tomorrow night, you might pray and ponder, asking the questions: Did God send a message that was just for me? Did I see His hand in my life or the lives of my children? I will do that. And then I will find a way to preserve that memory for the day that I, and those that I love, will need to remember how much God loves us and how much we need Him. I testify that He loves us and blesses us, more than most of us have yet recognized. I know that is true, and it brings me joy to remember Him.

My "Aha Moment"

Along this journey of recovery there are some moments where I gasp in an "aha!" It often occurs when catching a glimmer of growth while reflecting on the past.

In beginning treatment with a new treatment team here in Phoenix, I have had the opportunity to look at the past during my initial assessment appointments. In my recollection of my past, some memories are more prominent than others, some more painful, some healing, and some forgotten. As the questions are asked, I catch a glimpse of the long way I have taken with the great help of my Tinker Bell Julie. She has held my hand through this dark journey of change. I am so grateful for the angel she has been in my life.

During my assessment, one of the questions posed was, "What feelings does your eating disorder cycle through your mind?" Reciting with automaticity, I said I believed I was "broken," "unlovable," and "worthless." Before entering the center I felt these beliefs were true, and as such I needed to disappear. As Dr. Julie has helped me discover, Ed had become my way of disappearing.

In one of my reflection assignments at the Center for Change, while in "Phase 2," I wrote the following:

"I continue to battle my negative mind and the negative thoughts it encourages me to believe. My negative mind continues to tell me that I am broken, worthless, and unlovable. When I feel I have made a mistake or upset someone, I find it is the loudest. It encourages me to believe I am a disappointment to others so I need to disappear through isolating actions."

The next question asked in the assessment was, "Do you still feel this way: broken, unlovable, and worthless?"

When asked, I froze for a few moments. Then the sparkling, "aha" surprise tickling inside followed. I couldn't remember the last time I let my negative mind cycle down that dark path - "broken," "unlovable," "worthless." Though I don't remember when they last occurred, I can still recall the way the despair felt. I felt lost, alone and afraid. In the same reflection noted earlier, I wrote:

"The biggest challenge I continue to face is feeling disconnected to my true identity. I feel lost as to who I really am to the point I am afraid to see my reflection in the mirror."

I didn't recognize and value my divine worth. My identity was connected to Ed, meaning I was nothing. By so believing, I had been captured by his flaxen cords to Satan's misery - the purpose of his plan.

So instead of answering, "Yes," to this question as Ed would have liked, I didn't. Instead I said, "No, not anymore." (This is the "Aha!")

The next question was, "Why? What do you believe now?"

With the help of my magician Julie, I have learned how to stop and reframe these dark thoughts. As she promised long ago, his voice has subsided and replaced with a testimony of my individual worth. This testimony is in part what I answered this question with.

I know I am a daughter of God of infinite worth. He loves me for who I am. Nothing can ever change that even the adversary's doubts of destruction. God's love is enduring and everlasting. God's love in my anchor of hope. Knowing His love is eternal helps push away any doubts or fears of Ed and others.

I am my Father's creation - spirit and body. My spirit is eternal and unique in its abilities that can contribute to His perfect plan. My body is patterned after Him. It empowers me to experience life and fulfill my purpose, so that I may return to my Heavenly Father again someday. I love to think of the empowering abilities of my body as outlined in temple ordinances and blessings.

I am grateful for life's challenges and their dusting of pixie dust. As I experience growth and changes, my bucket is filled with sparkles and glimmers that magnify my divinity as a daughter of a king.

My value is unchanging as I know I belong to my Heavenly Father. Despite the questions my negative mind may wonder, I know my Father's love is eternally there to keep me safe and guide me with His pixie dust back to His heavenly "Neverland" again someday.

Mormon.org

A few weeks ago our ward was advised of a church experiment our area was participating in: mormon.org. Keeping up with the time of technology communication, the LDS church leaders have created a website that is linked to a common name for our religion, Mormons. This is due to the book we testify in conjunction with the Bible, The Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ. Mormon is a nickname for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

As part of the experiment, my ward family was advised to create a profile on mormon.org. This profile describes who you are, your beliefs, and faith in the gospel. A new button decorates the side of my blog that will link you to my profile and mormon.org. My profile is "in review," so it hasn't been posted yet. I'll let you know when it is. For now, here is a part of it. . .

Wife, daughter, teacher, aspiring writer, and advocate of addiction recovery. I'm a Mormon.

My family is my greatest treasure. I am the youngest of 7 children, but my family continues to grow with brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews. My husband and I have been married almost 5 years. He is the love of my life, my best friend, and my better half.

I am a teacher, which fulfills my passion for children, education and serving others. Teaching is filled with contagious learning experiences. It is magical to help children explore the world. I find in return I am a student to their magical ideas. I love the watching the twinkles and sparkles of growing as my students change throughout the year.

Over the past few years, I have developed an aspiration of writing. I love the way letters and words combine together to express meaning and feeling. Through blogging and journaling, I find joy in sharing my writings with others.

After battling my personal trial with an eating disorder, I am a strong advocate of helping others find recovery. I find pleasure and strength in sharing my story of recovery with youth and women. The focus of my presentations is on helping others identify their individual worth and divine potential as a daughter of a King.

Power of Testimony

Happy Fall! I hope you all are enjoying the changes of fall, wherever you are. It is still summer-like for us in Arizona. Without looking at the calendar, my body wants me to believe it is July or August with 100 degree weather still. Nelson loves to make fun of the weather man here, saying, "He has the easiest job- Today it is going to be sunny and warm or sunny and hot!"

However, as many of you are seeing glimpses of changing from green to brown leaves, we are seeing glimpses of "GREEN" instead of brown. Our apartment complex has been watering the grass the week - more like flooding it. Anyway, in just the past few days the brown landscape has turned green. I guess the saying is true, "The grass is always greener on the other side." ;) I am missing my fall tradition of pulling out my grandpa's yard. It was always a special time to be with my gardening buddies: Melissa, mom, Grandma, and Grandpa.

This week we had a neat opportunity to see my cousin Jeremy set apart to leave on his mission to Pocatello, Idaho. He is going to be a great missionary! During the setting apart, President Thomas, the stake president, gave some touching counsel and remarks. Although he was speaking to Jeremy, I felt they were so applicable to me.

The basis of his thoughts came from D&C 109, the dedicatory prayer of the Kirkland Temple. This chapter outlines the magnificent covenants and promises of temple blessings. "I love to see (and be) in the temple." It is a Neverland of my soul where any feelings of being lost, lonely or afraid subside. They are replaced with the joy and confidence knowing I am a daughter of a king with potential to live with Him again some day.

D&C 109 explains that the temple is a "house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of glory and of God, even thy house." It is a house of learning eternal truths that Satan envys. These truths motivate his effort to destroy our potential. Each time I attend the temple, I am amazed at the things the spirit teaches through the same repeated prayers and ordinances. It is magical to discover the great meaning each word in the ordinances there have, from the words "through" to "eternal." I realize the inspired compostion of each word organized together perfectly.

"And do thou grant, Holy Father, that all those who shall worship in this house may be taught
words of wisdom out of the best abooks, and that they may seek learning even by study, and also by faith, as thou hast said; And that they may grow up in thee, and receive a fulness of the Holy Ghost, and be organized according to thy laws, and be prepared to obtain every needful thing." (D&C 109: 14-15).

One of my favorite ordinances to do in the temple is the initiatory. I love the covenants and blessings promised. It is a powerful shield to remember in my mind with my continued battle for complete recovery. The last promise of the initatory is particularly meaningful and uplifting with the blessing of protection from the power of the destroyer. Hearing this line always makes me smile to think that the result of any of my personal wars here on earth and in the war in Heaven has already been decided. Heavenly Father's plan is perfect with a "Happily Ever After" of our conquering with Him.

I am grateful for the purpose of adversity in directing me to my true potential. My personal experiences of life have shaped my testimony. President Thomas taught of the power of testimony in uplifting yourself and others from the destruction of Satan. I cannot help but think that is why I find joy and power in sharing my story of recovery with others. I hope more opportunities will come.

President Utchdorf defines a testimony as:

"A testimony provides proper perspective, motivation, and a solid foundation on which to build a life of purpose and personal growth. It is a constant source of confidence, a true and faithful companion during good times and bad. A testimony provides us with a reason for hope and gladness. It helps us cultivate a spirit of optimism and happiness and enables us to rejoice in the beauties of nature. A testimony motivates us to choose the right at all times and in all circumstances. It motivates us to draw nearer to God, allowing Him to draw nearer to us (see James 4:8).

Our personal testimony is a protective shield, and like an iron rod it is guiding us safely through darkness and confusion.

Nephi’s testimony gave him the courage to stand up and be counted as one who obeys the Lord. He did not murmur, doubt, or fear no matter what the circumstances. When times got tough he said, “I will go and do [what] the Lord [has] commanded, for I know that the Lord … shall prepare a way … [to] accomplish [it]” (1 Nephi 3:7).

Just as the Lord knew Nephi, God knows us and loves us. This is our time; these are our days. We are where the action is. Our firm personal testimony will motivate us to change ourselves and then bless the world. Of this I testify and leave you my blessing as an Apostle of the Lord, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."