The Bucket Theory

The “Bucket Theory” is a common metaphor Dr. Julie uses to teach me the importance of self-confidence and self-love. A few buckets decorate her office as a reminder of this theme. In relation to my journey of recovery, I imagine it to be a bucket of pixie dust. After all she is Tinker Bell.

In the “Bucket Theory,” everyone has a bucket of pixie dust that is continuously being filled or emptied by our own and others actions and words. When our bucket it full, we feel happy and confident. When it is empty, we feel miserable and insecure. By acts of kindness, we are given opportunities to fill others’ buckets. In turn, our individual buckets are filled as well.

A full bucket of pixie dust ignites our spirits with confidence. The sparkles of life brighten our perspective. With a sturdy bucket, our countenance glows as we love and care for others and ourselves. Here we understand what it means to love and to be loved.

Our bucket is not always full. Sometimes the thoughtless actions and words of others can dip into our bucket. However, the biggest cause of an empty bucket is a “broken bucket” - a leaking bucket.

Although others can add or take away pixie dust from our bucket, we are the only ones that can maintain a strong bucket. Heavenly Father created everyone’s bucket with the same ability to hold water. Yet each bucket has areas of weakness that can generate a leak when troubled with the taunts of the adversary. This can cause the pixie dust to trickle out.

When this happens no matter how much or how fast pixie dust is added to our bucket, it will trickle out. The only person that can patch the holes in the bucket is the owner of the bucket – me. Comfort lies in the truth that we are not without help, but our “carpenter” is there to help and strengthen us.

When fear, self-doubt, and a weary heart puncture my bucket, I am learning to rely on my Redeemer to help me “bind up my broken heart.” His hands wrap around mine to mend the holes with the truth of my divinity as a daughter of a king.

I imagine King David singing praises to the Carpenter of his bucket in Psalm 23: 1-6:

1The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

I am inspired and connect with Elder Jeffrey R. Holland’s teachings in the October 1997 General Conference:

“In spite of life’s [difficulties] and as fearful as some of our prospects are, I testify that there is help for the journey. There is the Bread of Eternal Life and the Well of Living Water. Christ has overcome the world—our world—and His gift to us is peace now and exaltation in the world to come (see D&C 59:23).

When He bids us to walk in His way and by His light, it is because He has walked this way before us, and He has made it safe for our own travel here. He knows where the sharp stones and stumbling blocks lie hidden and where thorns and thistles are the most severe. He knows where the path is perilous, and He knows which way to go when the road forks and nightfall comes. He knows all this, as Alma says in the Book of Mormon, because He has suffered “pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind … , that he may know … how to succor his people according to their infirmities” (Alma 7:11–12).

Those who will receive the Lord Jesus Christ as the source of their salvation will always lie down in green pastures, no matter how barren and bleak the winter has been. And the waters of their refreshment will always be still waters, no matter how turbulent the storms of life. In walking His path of righteousness, our souls will be forever restored; and though that path may for us, as it did for Him, lead through the very valley of the shadow of death, yet we will fear no evil. The rod of His priesthood and the staff of His Spirit will always comfort us. And when we hunger and thirst in the effort, He will prepare a feast before us, a table spread even in the presence of our enemies, which might include fear or family worries, sickness, or personal sorrow of a hundred different kinds. In a crowning act of compassion at such a supper He anoints our head with oil and administers a blessing of strength to our soul. Our cup runneth over with His kindness, and our tears runneth over with joy. We weep to know that such goodness and mercy shall follow us all the days of our life, and that we will, if we desire it, dwell in the house of the Lord forever (see Ps. 23).

Ed is definitely aware of my buckets weak spots. These are the areas he tries to puncture. As I walk in the light of Christ, He guides me safely through the “where the sharp stones and stumbling blocks lie hidden and where thorns and thistles are the most severe. He knows where the path is perilous, and He knows which way to go when the road forks and nightfall comes.” My dented and bent bucket is made whole through the molding of my Carpenter’s perfect plan.

A bucket of pixie dust is empowered by faith and trust. Faith is the magic of the pixie dust that mends leaks and binds it with strength to be whole. “Faith is to hope for things which are not seen, but which are true . . . To have faith is to have confidence in something or someone” (BD p. 669, ‘faith’). Ed creates illusions to my perception, destroying my confidence and self-esteem.

However, with eyes of faith, I can see myself in God’s eternal mirror. . When my bucket is at its best, my true reflection can be illuminated in the sparkle of my pixie dust. My true self is reflected brightly to believe “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me” (Phil. 4:13).

My divine worth is not without blemish or imperfection. These are the glimmers of my individual worth to God. I have faith in my purpose in His perfect plan. I am the only one to travel this path, passing along pixie dust to other buckets that only I can do.

Despite Ed’s deceits, no matter what my bucket will always be loved by the Carpenter: dents and holes with specks of dust left or radiant and overflowing. Yesterday, today, and forever I will always be His daughter. Nothing can change that, but my perception and understanding of it can. I can choose fix the leaks and add to the bucket, or continue to let the dust spill out.

I choose to be happy and find my sparkle of confidence. Recognizing the glimpse of my glimmering bucket made whole, I will find wonder in the magic of pixie dust. This is shown in the example of the widow who drew strength from an oil jar that never grew empty. The woman at the well who marveled at Christ’s living water that never runs dry. My Savior adds to my bucket daily while helping empower me to choose to mend the bumps and dents with “a little bit of faith, trust, and pixie dust.”

Believing in my divinity, my bucket glimmers as I walk hand-in-hand with my Carpenter to find the Spring of Living Water and magical pixie dust.

Growing Pains

As I finished up the school year this week, one of my students wrote and gave me a poem:

It seems it was only yesterday when I walked into the class

From the very first time I knew that I would love you

As soon as I saw your sweet, smiling face

I enjoyed your teachings and silly ways to remember things

I wish I could stay in your class forever, but

Every child has to grow up

4th grade is by far the best grade

I'll miss you and love you forever in my heart

I hope you'll do the same.

Now it is time to say our goodbyes.

You've been the best teacher ever.

It's time for me to grow you see

Thank you for all you did to make me feel special

I will still visit you.

This probably made you cry, don't worry it's natural

I'm doing it right now.

I hope you know your special to me

I love you, Mrs. Yates!

As I have read and reread this tender poem, my heart was particularly touched by the thoughts that "every child has to grow up . . . It's time for me to grow, you see." Many times in therapy, I have asked Dr. Julie to wave her "magic wand" and take Ed and my negative mind away. One swoop of the wand, the capture the demons of my mind.

However, like my student taught, growing comes from experiencing life. Throughout the journey God's pixie dust, angels, and miracles sprinkle magical transformations of stumbling blocks into stepping stones. Change and progression come according to my actions of agency.

President David O. McKay said, "Next to the bestowal of life itself, the right to direct that life is God's greatest gift to man." (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay (2003), 208) From the beginning, Lucifer has been envious of these precious gifts: my body and power to choose. He desires "all men to miserable like unto himself" (2 Nephi 2:27). President Monson explains:

"He had no confidence in the principle of agency or in us and argued for imposed salvation. He insisted that with his plan one would be lost, but he seemed not to recognize - or perhaps not to care - that in addition, none would be any wiser, any stronger, any more compassionate, or any more grateful if his plan were followed." (The Three R's of Choice, Ensign (October 2010), 67)

God's perfect plan includes experiencing opposites: happiness and sadness, joy and sorrow, captivity and deliverance. Through my journey along the "strait and narrow" path, growing pains will happen. Hope of healing resides in my Savior's atonement for me and all mankind. This makes it possible to return to my Heavenly Father someday.

President Monson's talk helped me understand the importance of determining my destination with my dreams and aspirations to keep me Lucifer's everlasting misery. He says:

"Let us not find ourselves as indecisive as is Alice in Lewis Carroll's classic Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. You will remember that she comes to a crossroads with two paths before her, each stretching onward but opposite directions. She is confronted by the Cheshire cat, of who Alice asks, "Which path shall I follow?"

The cat answers, "That depends where you want to go. IF you do not know where you want to go, it doesn't matter which path you take."

Unlike Alice we all where we want to go, and it does matter which way we go, for by choosing our path, we choose our destination.

Decisions are constantly before us to make them wisely, courage is needed - the courage to say no, the courage to say yes. Decision do determine destiny.

I plead you to make a determination right here, right now, not to deviate from the path which will lead to our goal: eternal life with our Father in Heaven."(The Three R's of Choice, Ensign (October 2010), 68)

To Ed and my negative mind, I say now as I have said often in my head when their fears and worries spin, "I choose recovery!!" I have determined my destination is far from his darkness, misery, and hopelessness. With all of my faith, courage, and patience, I am continually trying to move toward my destination. Most of my steps are small, few are giant, but I am determined to never fall back into Lucifer's cunnings.

My God is faithful, my great teacher, that will not let me suffer that I be tempted above that we I am able, but will with the temptation also make a way to escape; that I may be able to bear it. (1 Corinthians 10:13).

I know my Heavenly Father sent me here, like I send my student's forward, to "grow up." My growing pains bring experience to lead empower my imperfections to perfections in the arms of His son's eternal love. Like Kaytlin, my Master continues to visit with manifestations of His love through angels, miracles, and sweet whisperings. How grateful I am for my Master who strengthens me in my pathway to return to Him again someday.

Shadows

The other day while on a walk, I noticed my shadow. With my love of the Peter Pan allegory, I began to think of the symbol of Peter's shadow. It seems Peter Pan is only afraid of one thing - not pirates, crocodiles, or heights- just his very own shadow.

I think this is symbolic of his fear of the unknown ahead- for change. He tries to "tuck" it way, hide it away. Yet it is always there, stitched on his shoes or in his pocket. Like Peter, my shadow is always there. However, its position changes depending on the direction of the sun.

As I looked at my shadow, I connected it to my road of recovery. Sometimes I feel my shadow is in front of me with looming fears of the future - the unknown. Anxiety to make the wrong and first step forward keep me from moving until my courage and faith in God builds.

One of my favorite quotes of faith is from President Packer, "Faith, to be faith, must center around something that is not known. Faith, to be faith, must go beyond that for which there is confirming evidence. Faith, to be faith, must go into the unknown. Faith, to be faith, must walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness."

At midday my shadow stands beside me. To me this is symbolic of the present. My worries of the here and now fill my mind. At times it feels I am in a race with Ed, competing to see who will overcome. There is a secret I have in my pocket Ed doesn't know about - pixie dust! These sprinkles of light glow with encouragement from Julie, Torey, and my family. Most of all, my inner light and knowledge of God's eternal love keeps me focused on my dreams, goals, and passions.

With the rise of the sun, my shadow follows behind me. To me this represents my regrets of the past. My negative mind swarms with would, could and should haves. Yet, it is hard to move forward when you are looking back instead of forward. When looking behind, my feet more easily stumble and fall. However, when I focus my eyes forward to the light of the new day, I am empowered with God's light. He is my strength and beacon to overcome all.

Like Peter, I know my "shadow" is always there - behind, in front, or beside me. With this understanding, I have the power to stitch or unstitch its influence to lead me to greater possibilities and potential.

For Whom the Lord Loveth He Chasteneth

Our Relief Society lesson focused on Elder D. Todd Christofferson’s April 2011 General Conference talk, “As Many as I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten.” I felt as if this reminder was so prevalent for me today.

I have a testimony of the divine power of chastening in my life. I understand God’s guidance and outpouring of love in chastening us. It is his way of shaping us to our best.

Elder Christofferson explained that Heavenly Father has high expectations for us. To meet these high expectations, we need to have one particular attitude: “willingly to accept and even seek correction.”

I feel the negative mind and Ed also has high expectations, but in a negative way. There expectations are impossible to meet because with their deceits I am never “good enough.”

God’s love, grace, and mercy provide a way to fill in my best efforts to change. However, I need to desire and work for the change. When I humble myself to make change, act in diligence and faith, and trust in God’s grace, my chastening magically transforms into blessings. Hidden blessings, angels, and treasures of potential are found in the molding of God’s chastening.

Elder Christofferson describes 3 divine purposes of chastening:

· “Persuade us to repent”

· “Refine & sanctify us”

· “Redirect our course in life to what God knows is a better path”

I was touched by his comment, “Though it is often difficult endure, truly we ought to rejoice that God considers us worth the time and trouble to correct.” With Satan’s minons, Ed and my negative mind, I am of no worth because I am not perfect.

With Satan’s despair, there is the black and white thinking of perfection or failure. Yet, I am learning with God’s plan, the purpose is to develop into His masterpiece with my choice to do so.

Repentance brings about a change of heart, becoming a new creature in Christ. Through a cleansing of myself, I am refined and prepared for “greater spiritual privileges.” In all my moments of pain, the Savior is there to lighten my burdens as I choose to share His yoke. Then with an overwhelming love, he delivers me in my surrender.

As Elder Christofferson taught, there is another “form of chastening or correction to guide us to a future we do not or cannot now envision but which He knows is the better way for us.” My negative mind and Ed lead me to believe I can never change enough. With them, my eyes are blind to see possibilities and potential.

I loved Elder Christofferson’s story of Hugh B. Brown:

President Hugh B. Brown, formerly a member of the Twelve and a counselor in the First Presidency, provided a personal experience. He told of purchasing a rundown farm in Canada many years ago. As he went about cleaning up and repairing his property, he came across a currant bush that had grown over six feet (1.8 m) high and was yielding no berries, so he pruned it back drastically, leaving only small stumps. Then he saw a drop like a tear on the top of each of these little stumps, as if the currant bush were crying, and thought he heard it say:

“How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me. … How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.”

President Brown replied, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down.’”

Years later, President Brown was a field officer in the Canadian Army serving in England. When a superior officer became a battle casualty, President Brown was in line to be promoted to general, and he was summoned to London. But even though he was fully qualified for the promotion, it was denied him because he was a Mormon. The commanding general said in essence, “You deserve the appointment, but I cannot give it to you.” What President Brown had spent 10 years hoping, praying, and preparing for slipped through his fingers in that moment because of blatant discrimination. Continuing his story, President Brown remembered:

“I got on the train and started back … with a broken heart, with bitterness in my soul. … When I got to my tent, … I threw my cap on the cot. I clenched my fists, and I shook them at heaven. I said, ‘How could you do this to me, God? I have done everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have done—that I should have done—that I haven’t done. How could you do this to me?’ I was as bitter as gall.

“And then I heard a voice, and I recognized the tone of this voice. It was my own voice, and the voice said, ‘I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to do.’ The bitterness went out of my soul, and I fell on my knees by the cot to ask forgiveness for my ungratefulness. …

“… And now, almost 50 years later, I look up to [God] and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’”

God knew what Hugh B. Brown was to become and what was needed for that to happen, and He redirected his course to

prepare him for the holy apostleship.

I feel similar to President Hugh B. Brown for the way God has led me through my life, even in transformation of my stumbling blocks into stepping-stones. In the midst of the storms of life it is difficult to see the beauty that is created through nourishing of the blowing winds and sprinkling rain. Strength and growth develop in powerful ways through these passing storms. Truly the Lord loves those He chastens.

Elder Christofferson explains how we can strive to measure up to Heavenly Father expectations:

If we sincerely desire and strive to measure up to the high expectations of our Heavenly Father, He will ensure that we receive all the help we need, whether it be comforting, strengthening, or chastening. If we are open to it, needed correction will come in many forms and from many sources.” These sources include:

• · The course of our prayers as God speaks to our mind and heart through the Holy Ghost (see D&C 8:2).
• · The form of prayers that are answered no or differently than we had expected.
• · Studying the scriptures and are reminded of deficiencies, disobedience, or simply matters neglected.
• · Correction can come through others, especially those who are God-inspired to promote our happiness. Apostles, prophets, patriarchs, bishops, and others
• · We can help one another as fellow Church members
• · Correction, hopefully gentle, can come from one’s spouse.
• · Parents can and must correct, even chasten, if their children are not to be cast adrift at the mercy of a merciless adversary and his supporters.
• · Eventually, much of our chastening should come from within—we should become self-correcting. One of the ways that our late beloved colleague Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin became the pure and humble disciple that he was by analyzing his performance in every assignment and task. In his desire to please God, he resolved to determine what he could have done better, and then he diligently applied each lesson learned.
• Remember that reproof should be timely, with sharpness or clarity, “when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy” (D&C 121:43).

As I read the final source of chastening, I reflect on the power of change that comes with an inner desire to change. Satan creates a feeling of failure or complacency to distract from the power to change. Yet as Elder Christofferson teaches, “It is a diligent, devoted effort on our part that calls forth this empowering and enabling grace, an effort that certainly includes submission to God’s chastening hand and sincere, unqualified repentance. Let us pray for His love-inspired correction.”

Reading and studying this talk has driven me to be more diligent in my road of recovery. As difficult as it is to humbly listen and follow the feelings and words of correction from others, I feel that more complete, divine change will come. How grateful I am for God’s plan of happiness that includes times of storm and sunshine to mold me into my best self. “For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth” (Hebrews 12:6)

By Small and Simple Things

I was reading an article on Elder David A. Bednar's Women's Conference address at BYU on April 29, 2011. He taught an important spiritual pattern: “By small and simple things are great things brought to pass” (Alma 37:6). This has always been a favorite scripture of mine, capturing my attention.

In connection with this scripture, Elder Bednar referenced D&C 52:14, emphasizing "a pattern in all things." He taught that by small and simple spiritual patterns great things come to pass.

Contrary to the Lord's pattern, Elder Bednar explained, “Many people in our contemporary world are drawn to promises of big results that occur quickly and all at once .” The adversary made “impressive assertions about big results” in similar ways in premortality, Elder Bednar said, citing Moses 4:1 & 3. In my life, I feel this destructive quick pattern is in Ed's taunts for a "quick recovery" and "instant resolution." My negative mind cycles worries of imperfection and slow movement.

Yet, Elder Bednar reminded me of God's eternal principle of growth and progress comes by small and simple means. In contrast to Satan’s method and the methods of the world, “the Lord typically ministers ‘one by one,’” (3 Nephi 11:15) Elder Bednar taught. “He enables us to learn ‘line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little’ (2 Nephi 28:30). And He accomplishes His work by bringing to pass great things through small and simple means.”

Elder Bednar said, “I believe many, if not all, of the most satisfying and memorable accomplishments in our homes, in the Church, in our jobs and professions, and in our communities will be the product of this important spiritual pattern—of simple and small things . . . Brothers and sisters, we should find great comfort in the fact that ordinary people who faithfully, diligently, and consistently do simple things that are right before God will bring forth extraordinary results.”

In connection with Elder Bednar's Women's Conference talk, I read Elder Ballard’s recent conference talk, “Finding Joy through Loving Service.” In his talk, Elder Ballard shares the rich blessings of service & love through a story:

Oftentimes we are like the young merchant from Boston, who in 1849, as the story goes, was caught up in the fervor of the California gold rush. He sold all of his possessions to seek his fortune in the California rivers, which he was told were filled with gold nuggets so big that one could hardly carry them.

Day after endless day, the young man dipped his pan into the river and came up empty. His only reward was a growing pile of rocks. Discouraged and broke, he was ready to quit until one day an old, experienced prospector said to him, “That’s quite a pile of rocks you are getting there, my boy.”

The young man replied, “There’s no gold here. I’m going back home.”
Walking over to the pile of rocks, the old prospector said, “Oh, there is gold all right. You just have to know where to find it.” He picked two rocks up in his hands and crashed them together. One of the rocks split open, revealing several flecks of gold sparkling in the sunlight.

Noticing a bulging leather pouch fastened to the prospector’s waist, the young man said, “I’m looking for nuggets like the ones in your pouch, not just tiny flecks.”

The old prospector extended his pouch toward the young man, who looked inside, expecting to see several large nuggets. He was stunned to see that the pouch was filled with thousands of flecks of gold.
The old prospector said, “Son, it seems to me you are so busy looking for large nuggets that you’re missing filling your pouch with these precious flecks of gold. The patient accumulation of these little flecks has brought me great wealth.”

This story illustrates the spiritual truth that Alma taught his son Helaman:

“By small and simple things are great things brought to pass. …
“… And by very small means the Lord … bringeth about the salvation of many souls” (Alma 37:6–7).

As we listened to this story again, I was reminded of the great treasures that are acquired through persistent acts of courage and faith. When I work patient after the Lord's pattern of small and simple changes, I find sparks of new growth and twinkling transformations. Peace and happiness surround me with a hope in a brighter path.

My eyes caught the glimmer of magic that compassion gives. Like Elder Ballard taught in the story of the flecks of gold that compound together into nuggets, so do simple daily acts of persistent effort combine together to ignite a flicker into a fame. With these slight changes, my character brightens with the sparkles of light new changes add to my being. Fleck by fleck my bucket of pixie dust is filled with the new light from acknowledging my own self-worth and love of others.

Sometimes my individual changes occur internally, invisible to my outward eye. In time, the internal process of healing and growing inside bring external blessings. Patiently waiting for those outward manifestations is an active process of faith. I am learning that the Lord's timing is often different from my own. However, His knowledge of the beginning to the end sees the power possibility of patience. In enduring faith, momentous growth is made to continue forward with persistence. There is power in small glimpses and bright shimmers of growth.

On the most difficult days, I understand the importance of acknowledging my powerlessness to God in prayer and faith. His light continually reaches out to strengthen us in times of heartache and difficulty. When praying to Heavenly Father for help, I have learned to not ask Him to remove the mountain. Instead I have found glimmers of growth by asking for His loving hand to guide me to know how to climb the mountain. In doing so, I am learning to follow the spiritual pattern of discovering magnificent treasures: "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass."