Apartment Pictures

Beginning from the front porch, this is a general walk through of our apartment.

The Waiting Place

The purpose of my blog began as an outlet to share some of my journal thoughts while at the Center for Change (CFC). Writing has become such a passion of mine. It is a place where I can release all that cycles in my head. I love the way words can combine to express the feelings of the heart. Even though my writing is an outlet for me, I hope some things written here have touched your life as well.

Although I will continue to share some of my thoughts of recovery, life changes have brought a new purpose to this blog. As you all know, we have begun a new adventure far from home in Arizona. In an effort to keep you posted with our fun, growing adventures, we will share some highlights here with you.

What do we hope from you? We hope you will feel connected to us here as we will by sharing our journey. As often as we can, we will try to skype and call you, but we also hope you will call often as well. Please don't be afraid to call, post a comment or send an email. We would LOVE to hear from YOU! :D

This week our adventures have been to get settled by unpacking and beginning the job hunt. My sister, Melissa, and my mom were great helpers to unpack, organize, and decorate our apartment. They have brought a unique gift of making it feel like home here.

We loved spending time with them. Melissa was a great navigator with her phone GPS, and mom a great investigator of places to search for employment. Most of all they were a great comic relief with silly dances and chauffeur gimmicks - "You forgot your lunch - you're welcome!"

With the help of mom and Melissa, I have applied to many jobs here: 3 school districts, tutoring facilities, and administrative positions at local universities and libraries. Everything seems to be contingent on one magical card - my fingerprint card. We are watching the mail for it everyday!

I miss teaching and my students. Throughout the day, I think about my kids and what they are doing. The little things are what I miss the most: chaotic mornings with 15 kids telling me about silly adventures after school, quiet taps on my shoulder to get my attention, the lull of talking in the classroom, big eyes looking up at you (even though you are the short teacher), small hands staying in at recess to help, big smiles, and twinkles of laughter. Most of all I miss their hugs at any time of the day.

This year I had the opportunity to teach two boys with Muscular Dystrophy. Their spirits are purely innocent. My life was blessed by their spirits in the short time we were together. Through their example, I caught a glimpse of the short life we have here on earth. I loved watching their passion to live here and now, instead of focusing on the disabilities of the past and fears of the future. By so doing, life becomes fulfilling as meddlesome worries dissipate. There is magic in simply being yourself and living in the moment.

As Dr. Seuss describes, I feel I am in "the waiting place." We all spend precious time just waiting. We wait in traffic, grocery store lines, and carpool circles. We wait to grow up, for true love, and for our children to be born. We even wait to die. But amazing things can happen if we open our eyes in The Waiting Place and peer into its dusty corners. Sometimes relationships are built, faith is discovered, dreams are (slowly) realized, and our hearts are expanded.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
by Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do . . .

I know God is ever watchful of me as all His children. Although waiting is not the funnest thing to do, miracles and blessings come even in the waiting. Step-by-step the path of opportunities that is best for us is enlightened. There was and is purpose and power in waiting to find this opportunity in Arizona after many years of praying and searching. I know Heavenly Father will continue to bless and guide us to those things that our best for us.

Dr. Julie reminded me in my session this week that "change is beautiful." There are magnificent examples of change all around me: flowers blooming, leaves falling, trees budding, children growing. One in particular is the rising and setting of the sun. I have to say Arizona has some of the most splendid sunsets. This beautiful sight is created by change. The colors combine to create a bright glow of gratitude for the magic of the day and hope for the adventures of tomorrow.

Taking Dr. Seuss' advice again, I will continue to move forward one step at a time. . .

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!


Sending Pixie Dust,
Becky

Eternal Perspective

I thought I would email with an update of our recent journey of change. As you know, Nelson's and my life has flipped upside the past 2 weeks. We were accepted on August 2. By Friday, we decided to go. Monday, August 8 I gave my 30 day notice, meaning my last day teaching is September 5. Nelson flew down last week for 2 days to find an apartment and check out the campus. However, it didn't work out.

So, instead of moving down, Nelson and I just drove down on Saturday the car he will have here. My aunt lives in Phoenix so we are staying with her for a few days as we continue our apartment search. I will fly home late Tuesday night, to be back at work on Wednesday.

As doubts and fears ruminate in my mind, I strive to rely on my faith and the calm sureties I have felt that this is an answer to many prayers. As you have taught me I try to remember that Heavenly Father does not communicate with us with doubt, fear, confusion and frustration. That is how the adversary tries to discourage us when we make a good decision.

My brother reminded me of one of his favorite scriptures is when the Savior is speaking to Oliver Cowdery in Section 6 of the Doctrine and Covenants. He said, "Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things. Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?" I feel I gain hope and encouragement by remembering the feelings and thoughts you had when you first received and answer to your prayers about moving to Phoenix.

With hope, I have an eternal perspective and freedom to look forward. The Apostle Paul taught that we should "plow in hope" (1 Corinthians 9:10). To me I understand the hope does not work alone - it is empowered by actions of faith. Faith and hope lead to actions to move toward the goals and dreams we desire.

I read a conference talk by Elder Steven E. Snow this weekend entitled, "Hope." The entire talk was so comforting, however, I found great strength in the following quote,

"Our hope in the Atonement empowers us with eternal perspective. Such perspective allows us to look beyond the here and now on into the promise of the eternities. We don’t have to be trapped in the narrow confines of society’s fickle expectations. We are free to look forward to celestial glory, sealed to our family and loved ones."

I know this is the right thing to do. Yet, there is many fears and worries that fill my mind. I want to be able to move forward. Yesterday, on our drive Nelson and I had an opportunity to talk about things. He expressed his worries that he "hoped" things would work out and it would be a quick two years. To this I responded, I had many worries and fears, but through the experiences of the past 2 years I wanted to enjoy the journey.

I am excited for the time to spend with Nelson and continue to strengthen our little family. I know we will have to rely much on each other. I am proud of his courage to move forward. There is no doubt that God's timing is perfect. His plan flows in perfect organization based on our line upon line growth. Sometimes I find when I look back I see how perfect it is all set out. I know God never leaves me alone and His blessings of tender mercies and angels are near. With faith, hope and love in HIm all things are possible.

Thank you to everyone for your love, support, and prayers!!! We couldn't do it without you!
--
Sending Pixie Dust,
Becky

Falling from High Places

As a teacher there is a hidden rule that you are not supposed to have any favorites. However, sometimes it is hard not to break the rule. I cannot say I have one particular favorite, but favorites for different reasons. Most of my "favorites" become such because of the unique relationships we share.

This year my class includes 2 students with "Muscular Dystrophy, md." This is a disease that affects the muscles, weakening them with time. Eventually, they will lose the ability and control of their muscles. While their friends muscles are getting stronger as they grow up, theirs are failing. They will lose the ability to do small activities most of us take for granted like walking and sitting up. Children with Muscular Dystrophy major organs, including the heart and lungs, thin causing a premature death in their early teens.

It has only been one week of school and I feel such admiration for these 2 boys. I have been touched by their courage and strong will. Due to the weakening of their muscles, the boys can fall easily with minimal balance. I marvel at their quickness to get right back up.

Carson, one of the boys, has these bright eyes, happy smile, and quick sense of humor. He is quite short and every time he stares up at me, I can't help but smile. His eyes just capture your love instantly.

After losing balance this week, partly because he was sitting wrong on his chair, he said, "I only fall from high places." This made me laugh out loud. As the day and week went on, I continued to think of this as Carson's theme phrase.

Life is a little like this phrase as we "fall" from heaven to come to experience the magic of life. Along the road of life we experience escalating growth and challenging falls, only to be led to higher ground. Our response to each fall is most important, not necessarily how many times we fall or why fell in the first place.

My mind has been reminded of a familiar poem that illustrates the blessing of overcoming opposition:

The Race By JH Groberg

Whenever I start to hang my head in front of failure’s face,
my downward fall is broken by the memory of a race.
A children’s race, young boys, young men; how I remember well,
excitement sure, but also fear, it wasn’t hard to tell.
They all lined up so full of hope, each thought to win that race
or tie for first, or if not that, at least take second place.
Their parents watched from off the side, each cheering for their son,
and each boy hoped to show his folks that he would be the one.

The whistle blew and off they flew, like chariots of fire,
to win, to be the hero there, was each young boy’s desire.
One boy in particular, whose dad was in the crowd,
was running in the lead and thought “My dad will be so proud.”
But as he speeded down the field and crossed a shallow dip,
the little boy who thought he’d win, lost his step and slipped.
Trying hard to catch himself, his arms flew everyplace,
and midst the laughter of the crowd he fell flat on his face.
As he fell, his hope fell too; he couldn’t win it now.
Humiliated, he just wished to disappear somehow.

But as he fell his dad stood up and showed his anxious face,
which to the boy so clearly said, “Get up and win that race!”
He quickly rose, no damage done, behind a bit that’s all,
and ran with all his mind and might to make up for his fall.
So anxious to restore himself, to catch up and to win,
his mind went faster than his legs. He slipped and fell again.
He wished that he had quit before with only one disgrace.
“I’m hopeless as a runner now, I shouldn’t try to race.”

But through the laughing crowd he searched and found his father’s face
with a steady look that said again, “Get up and win that race!”
So he jumped up to try again, ten yards behind the last.
“If I’m to gain those yards,” he thought, “I’ve got to run real fast!”
Exceeding everything he had, he regained eight, then ten…
but trying hard to catch the lead, he slipped and fell again.
Defeat! He lay there silently. A tear dropped from his eye.
“There’s no sense running anymore! Three strikes I’m out! Why try?
I’ve lost, so what’s the use?” he thought. “I’ll live with my disgrace.”
But then he thought about his dad, who soon he’d have to face.

“Get up,” an echo sounded low, “you haven’t lost at all,
for all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.
Get up!” the echo urged him on, “Get up and take your place!
You were not meant for failure here! Get up and win that race!”
So, up he rose to run once more, refusing to forfeit,
and he resolved that win or lose, at least he wouldn’t quit.
So far behind the others now, the most he’d ever been,
still he gave it all he had and ran like he could win.
Three times he’d fallen stumbling, three times he rose again.
Too far behind to hope to win, he still ran to the end.

They cheered another boy who crossed the line and won first place,
head high and proud and happy — no falling, no disgrace.
But, when the fallen youngster crossed the line, in last place,
the crowd gave him a greater cheer for finishing the race.

And even though he came in last with head bowed low, unproud,
you would have thought he’d won the race, to listen to the crowd.
And to his dad he sadly said, “I didn’t do so well.”
“To me, you won,” his father said. “You rose each time you fell.”

And now when things seem dark and bleak and difficult to face,
the memory of that little boy helps me in my own race.
For all of life is like that race, with ups and downs and all.
And all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.
And when depression and despair shout loudly in my face,
another voice within me says, “Get up and win that race!”

"Change is Inevitable, Growth is Optional"

Change occurs each moment all around us: time, seasons, the rising and setting of the sun, flowers, children, and so much more. Despite it constant motion, change causes many anxious feelings to arise. My mind worries how "it will all turn out." I want to be planned and prepared for the unexpected, but despite all my worrying change comes. It comes suddenly, slowly, noticeably, and invisibly. Change is part of His master plan, edging us closer to our heavenly home.

Opposite of these fears, I have faith in God. His omnipotent powers provides the ability to see beginning to end. My view is limited to here and now. If I let it, the worries of tomorrow can cycle my mind that I miss today.

As I described these fears in my session with Dr. Julie this week, she began to sing, "Don't Worry, be happy!" She always know how to make me laugh. I see this is an important decision to make to be happy. I believe my faith and understanding will grow as I make this decision.

Change also brings the gift of growth. Dr. Julie shared this quote of her father with me, "Change is inevitable, growth is optional." Just like deciding to be happy is a choice, so is the refining change brings. I determine the outcome of a millstone or milestone. Though difficult to overcome, I would rather create a stepping stone to God than a stumbling block.

This poem describes the inevitable progression and change in life:
Around the corner I have a friend, In this great city that has no end; Yet days go by, and weeks rush on, And before I know it, a year is gone, And I never see my old friend’s face, For Life is a swift and terrible race. … But to-morrow comes—and to-morrow goes, And the distance between us grows and grows. Around the corner!—yet miles away …

(Charles Hanson Towne, “Around the Corner,” in Poems That Live Forever, sel. Hazel Felleman (1965), 128.

Seeing the fears and traps of change, I want to live for today, so it doesn't become a forgotten yesterday. This poem expresses some things I would like to share more with those I love each day:

If I knew this would be the last time I would watch you sleep, I would hug you tighter. I would plead with the Lord to protect you. If I knew this would be the last time I saw you walk out the door, I would hug and kiss you and call you back to hug and kiss you one more time. If I knew this would be the last time I would hear your voice in prayer, I would record every gesture, every look, every smile, every one of your words, So that I could listen to it later, day after day. If I knew this would be the last time, I would spend an extra minute or two to tell you, “I love you,” instead of assuming you already knew it. If I knew this would be our last time, our last moment, I would be by your side, spending the day with you instead of thinking, “Well, I’m sure other opportunities will come, so I can let this day go by.” Of course there will be a day to revise things, And we would have a second chance to do things right. Oh, of course there will be another day for us to say, “I love you.” And certainly there will be another chance to tell each other, “Can I help with anything?” But in my case, there isn’t one! I don’t have you here with me, and today is the last day we have—our farewell. Therefore I would like to say how much I love you, And I hope you never forget it. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old. Today might be your last chance to hold tight to the hand of the one you love and show all you feel. If you are waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today? Because if tomorrow never comes, you certainly will regret for the rest of your life Not having spent some extra time for a smile, a conversation, a hug, a kiss, Because you were too busy to give that person what ended up being their last wish. Then hug tight today the one you love, your friends, your family, and whisper in their ears how much you love them and want them close to you. Use your time to say, “I’m sorry,” “Please,” “Forgive me,” “Thank you,” Or even, “That was nothing,” “It’s all right,” Because if tomorrow never comes, you will not have to regret today. The past doesn’t come back, and the future might not come!
(See www.heartwhispers.net)

The Antagonist: Lucifer

A well-written story the heroine confronts an evil archenemy. In our eternal fairy tale, we each fight against Lucifer and his followers in their different forms and strikes of deceit.

Satan and his minions are also referred to as the “adversary.” They attack the essence of the heroine’s weakness. Lucifer is jealous of our ability to experience life with a body and will do everything to try to destroy us. Contrastingly, Christ will do everything to save us.

From the beginning, “Satan became the devil by seeking glory, power, and dominion by force.” He was against our Father’s plan of happiness that includes the gift of agency. “With this sublime gift, we can grow, improve, progress, and seek perfection. Without agency, none of us could grow and develop by learning from our mistakes and errors and those of others.”

In sly and taunting ways the adversary tries to thwart our pathway f divinity. His plan seeks to defeat the gospel plan and “destroy the souls of men.”

In action of his rebellion, Lucifer was cast out. In a vision to Moses, the Lord said:

“Because … Satan rebelled against me, and sought to destroy the agency of man, which I, the Lord God, had given him, and also, that I should give unto him mine own power; by the power of mine Only Begotten, I caused that he should be cast down;

“And he became Satan, yea, even the devil, the father of all lies, to deceive and to blind men, and to lead them captive at his will, even as many as would not hearken unto [the Lord’s] voice.”

Nephi describes types of his craftiness as “everlasting chains,” “stirred up in anger,” “pacify and lull into carnal security,” “cheateth their souls,” “leadeth them away carefully down to hell,” and “flattereth away.” Each slowly “grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance.”

The great Christian writer C. S. Lewis defines Lucifer craftiness as:

“Indeed, the safest road to Hell is the gradual one – one gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.”

Satan slowly binds his prey with small “flaxen cords” gradually, building strength over time. A flaxen cord is a fine, light-colored fiber made with flax. The thin, soft strands can be easily broken. However, combined together in a cord, it is strong and unyielding. Lucifer’s plan is to “pacify” God’s children and “lull them away into carnal security” so that he can lead them “carefully” away from the truth, happiness & God’s eternal love.

Like many addictions, my eating disorder progressively caught me Lucifer’s grasp. With subtle wraps of His soft flaxen cords, Satan bound me his dark deceits that I was worthless, unlovable and broken. His silent transformation made if easy for me to ignore the darkness blinding my perception.

Looking back, I perceive the small “flaxen cords” wrapping around me in slight movements. Lucifer’s lies tricked me to believe that by striving to control different aspects of my life, I would mend all that was “broken,” including me. However, in my effort to take control, I did not see, hear, and understand the truth of the spirit of my Heavenly Father.

Nephi explains that Satan is “the founder of . . . works darkness; yea, and he leadeth them by the neck with a flaxen cord, until he bindeth them with his strong cords forever.”

Lucifer’s whispers changed my perception of myself. I found it hard to recognize my strengths and accomplishments. He deceived my soul to keep my emotions hidden. Dreams and goals became distant and unreachable. My mind, body, and spirit were bound in His dreary prison. I was desperate to be freed from his captivity, which could only come through my Savior and Redeemer.

My friend Mary once wrote me a note that describes Lucifer’s purpose of eating disorders and other mental illness in distracting us from our divine potential along the story map of our eternal fairy tale:

“As I’ve been here at the Center, I’ve come to believe that this disease is one of Satan’s acute tools to target powerful, strong women who can and will do marvelous and great works while here on earth. He strikes at our very souls- literally, our minds, spirits, and bodies. I’ve come to believe that I can and will cast him and this disease out of my life so that I can say, as Moses said to Satan – Rent and rave all you’d like, frighten me with the horrific power of the depths of hell; but when you are done- please step out of my way. For I am a child of God and I have a work to do, and I will do it.”

Power and Potential of Patience

The journey to find a career Nelson has been a treasure hunt with a coded map. Along the way, Heavenly Father has guided us in directions we are still discovering. Often when seeking a blessing in life, it is easy to want it right then without delay or detours. Yet, His omnipotence knows the best way to go with the best scenery, clearest path, and character building route.

Although it is hard to say all the blessings we have gained and learned on our treasure hunt, one thing is for sure our faith is stronger. My trust in Heavenly Father, Nelson, my family, and myself is stronger because of the trials I face. I am grateful for the close connections we share together as a couple with God in making decisions. In our search, Nelson's love strengthens me as he is there by my side each step of the way.

Heavenly Father's hand has been there all along to comfort, guide and protect. His plan is perfect in its line upon line growing patterns. Knowing the beginning from the end, Heavenly Father provides a way to develop characteristics that are needed in future opportunities and challenges. I know He is always there to "lead me, guide me, walk beside me. Help find the way."

Our understanding come as an investment for the greater treasure ahead - patience. How wonderful it is to reflect upon the magical dustings of treasure found along the hunt. In the workings of His patience, Heavenly Father brings magnificent blessings of resources, people, and tools that are essential to the rest of the journey. With persistent faith, prayer, patience, and diligence, God completes His plan.

In May 2010 General Conference, President Utchdorf spoke on "Patience." He said:

We must learn that in the Lord's plan, our understanding comes 'line upon line, precept upon precept. In short knowledge and understanding come at the price of patience.

Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood by only looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can't see the Lord's hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding and purpose."

President Faust also made connections between life's journey to mountain climbs, perhaps to find a treasure of pixie dust.:D

At times we are called upon to stretch ourselves and do more than we think we can . . . we develop our talents by thinking we can. . . I hope we can all be like the 'Little Engine that Could.' It wasn't very big, had only been used for switching cars, and had never been over a mountain, but it was willing. That little engine hooked on to the stranded train, chugged up to the top of the mountain, and puffed down the mountain saying, 'I though I could.' Each of us must climb mountains that we have never climbed before.

I know Heavenly Father blesses me with mountains to climb to finish our treasure hunt. Sometimes - often- they seem impossible to climb. Yet when we proceed forward with a willing heart, saying, "I think I can," our strength is empowered to move forward with faith.

As I am willing to climb mountains, blessings follow to see beautiful valleys where the glimmers of the treasure can be found. It is then I do and will remember might miracles of growth, tender mercies of love, and angels of light who helped me along the way. The frightening view upward to climb the mountain is calmed by faith in God's power. Moving down the mountain, His endless light brightens His continuous magical dustings along the way.